The Slappy Platform: Social Issues

My fellow Americans, the central tenet to my social policy is the right to not give a shit. As long as you don't hurt people around you, and you don't interrupt my cartoons to tell me about it, you can do it.

You're gay and you want to get married? Fine. As long as I don't have to sit through the ceremony or buy you a $50 set of candlestick holders, I don't care. Three guys want to marry two girls? Fine with me, you filthy hippies. Two guys want to marry a goat? No, because the goat can't consent. Talking goat? That might be okay. We'll leave that to the Supreme Court.

But part of the right to not give a shit is the right to disapprove of other people. You can even hate on people. No one is allowed to force other people to accept their lifestyle. Timmy Hardaway is allowed to hate gay people. George Takei is allowed to mock him mercilessly. Actually, I support this kind of free dialogue because that's what America is all about, and it's always fun when someone famous makes an ass of themself.

The new church/state test will be one of equal time. If a town wants to put up a nativity scene because some Christians ask, that's fine as long as if some Jews want a Hanukkah shrub they get some love too. The city also has to put up something nice for Ramadan if the Muslims ask. And a little display for the Flying Spaghetti Monster if some douchebags ask. Nothing for Kwanzaa, though, because that's totally made up.

Medical issues such as abortion and euthanasia will be left to doctors and patients, not old lawyers on Capitol Hill. Anyone who is a medical doctor on the Hill who claims he can diagnose a brain-dead patient in Florida based on a few minutes of videotape will be forced to perform a find/replace on all of their official government biographies to switch every instance of "doctor" for "douchebag."

Marijuana: legal. Regulated and taxed like tobacco. For too long we have ignored a steady stream of tax revenue and unnecessarily punished the proprietors of late-night fast food establishments. Every other drug needs to be decriminalized. For people who get arrested for drug possession, I will focus our efforts on treatment, not incarceration. Addicts will be shown time lapse movies of Keith Richards from the 1960s to present day, and I'm talking eyes held open like Clockwork Orange. I can't see how that would possibly backfire.

Together, we can build a more awesome America.