All I need to know, I learned from Bruce Willis!

Tasty and I saw Grindhouse on Friday, which is awesome, and it has Bruce Willis in it. Bruce Willis is also in a weird suspense movie with Halle Berry, and he's also doing a new Die Hard flick. So I thought this would be a good time to trot out a classic jiggscasey.com piece: All I need to know, I learned from Bruce Willis.

War for dummies - A reference for the rest of us!

There's a song that goes "War! War! What is it good for?" The song then goes on to assert that war is good for "absolutely nothing." This seems like an extreme oversight on the part of the lyricist, and if I had written that song, the suggested answer would have been "plenty!"

The thing that war is good for is killing people. Clearly, it makes life much more pleasant as it leaves you free from the hassle of a bunch of irritating people bothering you as you try to enjoy your stuff; which brings me to the other good reason for war: taking other people's stuff. Of course, taking other people's stuff also opens up the opportunity of giving you more stuff to enjoy in your new irritation free existence.

Many of you are probably wondering what the best stuff to take is, and while that is a matter of personal preference, I have always been privy to things made of gold, like watches, jewelry and earmuffs.

But war isn't all free stuff and good cheer. One of the few downsides to war is the content of the editorial pages in your local newspaper. Whenever a war is brewing, Noam Chomsky wannabes come out of the woodwork to bring up useless moral ideals like "justice" and "peace." Don't despair, though, as these weak-willed poindexters always fall into line when ordered to do so by a man with an assault rifle. Let me suggest an M-16.

There are three key players in a war. First there are the pacifists. This group, primarily made up by women and homosexuals, is also known as the whiners. The aforementioned editorials are all written by pacifists.

The group that you and I belong to is known as the hypocrites. We're in favor of the war, but there's no way in hell we would go out there to fight as that would prevent us from enjoying our stuff.

The third important group in a war is the military. The military is made up by soldiers. These soldiers are also known as the poor. Thus this brings me to another positive aspect of war: lowering unemployment.

Each of these groups plays an important role in the dynamics of war. The pacifists gather in large groups, put their whiney signs in your face, and get their asses kicked.

The soldiers do the fighting during a war. To be honest, I don't really know what this entails, but I think it has a lot to do with marching and getting yelled at. Also, apparently there's some shooting involved.

The most rewarding role in a war, though, is that of the hypocrite. Hypocrites get to sit in high-back leather chairs and sip brandy while sympathetically discussing how our boys are doing out there in the shit. And after that, it's time for a quick dip in a vault filled with gold.

I know what you're thinking: "War sounds great! Where can I sign up?" You're lucky in that there is no paperwork. When you were born into the American middle or upper class, you automatically became a hypocrite. So just sit back, relax, and wait for the shooting to start!

What I gave up for Lent

Ed.: Since Lent started yesterday, I decided to post this classic jiggscasey.com piece.

Even as I'm gallivanting around the world, fighting for freedom, I still do the little things that remind me of home. And since Ash Wednesday, I've been engaging in the Christian Tradition known as Lent. And to honor the practice, I've given up anal sex. Also meat on Fridays.

Many of you are probably wondering how a devout Zen atheist of my zealousness could possibly engage in such a very Christian practice. Well, I've subscribed to Lent ever since my Christian boyhood and have continued the tradition because I like activities that last forty days.

What I've learned in the many years that I've been Lenting, is that choosing the appropriate thing to give up is a tricky business. It's a delicate balancing act because you've got to give up something that's desirable but also something from which you can refrain.

To provide an example of how things can go awry, one less than stellar Lent I tried to give up cocaine. This failed miserably since I was a coke addict at the time. As you've probably already guessed, 5PM Ash Wednesday, I was snorting Colombian blue flake off a Dutch hooker's ass.

The take home lesson here is that it's important to know your limits. Don't try to give up air or food or some narcotic that you happen to be addicted to. It's just a recipe for Lent failure. That's why this year I'm keeping it simple and cutting out anal sex.

I thought about cutting out sex altogether, but who am I kidding? Priests can't even give up sex with young boys for Lent. Then I thought maybe I could just give up a particular position like the jackhammer. But that really wasn't much of a challenge. For me, anal sex is that desirable act from which I can successfully refrain.

Come Easter, however, I will certainly be craving a little anal action. So when Easter finally rolls around and Lent ends, look out world! I'll be searching a very special place for Easter eggs; that place being someone's ass.

Valentine's Day: My Favorite Day of the Year

Valentine's Day is a holiday named after St. Valentine, the patron saint of stupid romantic bullshit. Valentine, a deeply religious Catholic priest, became synonymous with romance because the day associated with his martyrdom (February 14th) is the day birds find their mate. It also has something to do with the fact that St. Valentine loved to bang hot young teen-age boys.

People usually celebrate Valentine's Day by sending poorly-rhymed love notes to their lovers, and then going home to yet another hellish evening with their braying wife. And those are the lucky ones. The rest have children.

While Valentine's Day is portrayed as a highly romantic occasion, in reality, the corporate machine dictates the importance of the holiday. The corporations then sell us products for an occasion that they created. I don't know about you, but I cannot support such corporate subjugation, so I refuse to celebrate Valentine's day... Oh God... I'm so lonely.

Until Valentine's Day came around, there was no holiday dedicated to making bitter, lonely misanthropes like me feel like pathetic losers. Except of course, for President's Day. And just think, being a bitter, lonely misanthrope is just so delightful the rest of the year.

So this year, celebrate Valentine's day like me, by weeping softly in the arms of an inflatable woman and then paying a two dollar whore for an emotionally-empty sex act in a bus station bathroom.

Happy Valentine's Day Assholes!