Hilarious Joke Saturday

If Marcel DuChamp had been a baker, I bet his most famous recipe would have been the urinal cake!

Talk about a French Press!

Bleak times call for a joke

I'm sure you've all heard that the stock market is down 105% and that everyone who owned shares of anything now owes Wall Street money. Shares of JiggsCasey.com Media Empire stock (trading over-the-counter) were down tuppence and a ha'penny, closing at a farthing, under heavy trading. I'm proud to report that I'm still holding on to my three shares.

Consumer confidence needs a boost, and the only thing better than a 0.75% drop in the overnight rate is our Joke of the Indeterminate Time Period. This joke comes from Uma Thurman, a longtime fan.


Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a papa tomato, a mama tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Papa tomato gets angry, but the baby tomato keeps lagging. Finally he goes over to the baby tomato, and steps right on him, smooshes him... and says, "You were adopted and I never liked you."

Fun stuff

I got two things for ya. The first is a brand new dumb joke:

Q: What does a tech-savvy pimp use to track his income?
A: a spreadsheet!

Also, there is a cute little web app called Nietzsche family circus that amuses me. It combines a random family circus cartoon with a Nietzsche quote. I loaded up Nietzsche family circus yesterday, and this little gem popped up:

Convictions are more dangerous foes of truth than lies.

Today's Dumb Joke

Q: What do you call an accountant that always gets in your way when you're trying to score with the ladies?

A: H&R CockBlock! Booyah!

So I'm on this really weird coconut kick right now. All I want to eat is almond joys and Hostess snowballs, and I am making these midnight emergency coconut runs to the convenience store.

I think my coconut urges are a byproduct of my repressed desire to run away to a deserted island where I have no responsibilities. I could spend all day running around naked on the beach and applying sunscreen to my junk.

Carbon foot binding

Most of the time when you trick yourself into thinking that you have come up with something unique, you type it into google and realize that it has been written 65, 000 times, and that often, the phrase is poorly spelled and many of the vowels are replaced by numbers.

But every once in a while, you type something into google and not a single match comes up. Such is the case with the phrase, "carbon foot binding." This means that I am the first person ever to write this dumb joke:

Q: What is the Chinese government doing to reduce their carbon footprint?
A: Carbon foot binding

The fact that the phrase, "carbon foot binding" does not come up in google blows my mind. It's such an obvious dumb punchline, and additionally, the joke can be used to proliferate stereotypes about the Chinese.

Foot binding is a barbaric practice, and I, for one, think it's finally time to laugh about it.

Also, this picture of the two brothers gored by the same bull in Pamplona is funny:

To follow up on the Rocky post above...

This week's retarded joke is:

Jiggs's penis is so big, it calls him "Little Jiggs"


(My experiments were very boring today.)

Today's Dumb Joke!

It has been a while since I graced this blog with the unique brand of hilarity that is my dumb joke. Let me apologize for this bit's absence. I know how important it is to some of you out there on the interweb.

Today's contribution is more of a retarded question than a joke proper, so I hope it will satisfy your very human desire to laugh:


Do you think Picasso's "Blue Boy" had blue balls? Or even that Picasso's whole blue period was brought on by a terrible case of blue balls?


I know art history jokes are a little too subtle for some of you folks who like good old-fashioned jokes about shit, but sometimes you just gotta be classy.

And in other news:

Q: So Jiggs, you told a dumb joke. What are you going to do next?
A: I'm going to Disneyland!

I am going out of towners so I give you permission to cry yourself to sleep while I'm away.

Why don't monkeys eat at Taco Bell? and other witticisms...

Monkeys don't eat at Taco Bell because it's too hard to fling diarrhea!

As I was loitering around on St. Patrick's Day I saw a lot of vomit on the sidewalk. And while I did enjoy a tall guiness with booty, none of that vomit was mine.

One pile of vomit, however, caught my attention. Clearly, whoever was responsible for said vomit had recently enjoyed corned beef and cabbage.

At that moment, we had the bright idea that we could take a picture of said vomit, add a cute little saying like, "they're always after me lucky charms," and turn it into a St. Patrick's Day card. Because what's more Irish than partially-digested corned beef and green beer*?

*I recently found out that they don't drink green beer in Ireland. And corned beef was stolen from the Jews by those early Irish Americans, so it's not associated with St. Patrick's Day back in the motherland. I'm just happy those early Irish American's didn't steal the gefilte fish because that shit is nasty! L'chaim!

A brand new dumb joke

Q: If the members of Death Cab for Cutie all went to India to learn the local language and customs,
what kind of band would they be?

A: A Hindi rock band!!!!

Left-over candy hearts

What do nudists call their genitals?

they call them "publics" as in "That nudist just got kicked in the publics."

Get it? Instead of "privates" because they're always naked they call them "publics"?

Anna Nicole dead: trimspa baby?

Anna Nicole Smith died today.

Martin Luther King. JFK. John Lennon. Why do all the great ones have to go before their time?

Smith seemed innocent, like a giant silicone-breasted baby. Speaking of which, where is my giant, silicone-breasted baby? I take my eyes off of Paris-Nicole for 10 minutes and she runs off.

Staying above the fray...

A lot of people have been making jokes about the mentally disturbed astronaut that drove 900 miles in a diaper. Not us.

Sure, we could be making fun of the diaper-wearing astronaut by calling her a "space cadet" or some other cheap shot. We're better than that here at jiggscasey.com.

Will we be able to continue this trend of not making fun of the adult-diaper using astronaut? It depends...

That was such a long set up for such a bad joke. I love it.

In other bad joke news, here's my most recent offensive dumb joke:

Q: What kind of bread does a frat boy serve at a party?

A: Loafies!

Also on jamwall's blog I decided that USB should stand for universal sexual boner.

Barbaro sent to fast drying glue factory

Win a kentucky derby winner dies, you don't just turn him into elmers. You make a quality glue that dries fast, like the horse it was made from.

Granted, that joke makes me look like a heartless a-hole that has a cold, dark hole where his heart should be, but that's probably an apt description of me.

Go to Tim Woolley's horse racing site for more barbaro info and pics.