My canker sore is totally hot!!!1!1

I totally won my salt eating contest today. Two salt shakers more than my closest competitor, Bernie "Dessicated Fingers" Torfelson. Afterwards he told me that he hadn't pooped in nearly six months. Such is the life of a professional salt eater.

Everybody was totally impressed that I was able to eat so much salt with my massive canker sore. In fact, my canker sore made me the sentimental favorite, and the audience's adoration made all the difference. Their cheers pushed me to eat those last 12 salt shakers.

One "salt groupie" was so into me, asking to lick my canker sore. At first I was disgusted, but the thought of hot salt groupie action was so intriguing that I accepted the offer. And let me tell you, my canker sore wasn't the only thing he licked! Booyah! Hot Gay Oral Sex!!!

Who knew festering sores could be so sexy?

Jiggs Update!

Apparently I'm not reliable enough for Uebermilf to lustfully offer me her cupcakes. But if reliability is her single criterion for sexual chocolate cupcakes, then so be it. I am unreliable. My only certainty is my uncertainty. The call me the breeze; I keep rollin down the road.

Yes. That's right. I just quoted Lynyrd Skynyrd. And how powerfully apt that quotation was indeed.

Anyway, I promised you an update on my pathetic life in the title of this post, so here it is: I have a canker sore the size of Sheboygan. My giant canker sore will be quite the handicap at the salt eating contest tomorrow.

Additionally, my pal sent me the set list of the Kids in the Hall show that we went to. She had connections and got back stage and totally swiped it! And knowing about my combined love of Kids in the Hall and my unreliability, she ill-advisedly sent it to me. I'll frame it if I don't lose it first.

Whatever happened to that dumbass William Hung? Hopefully, he's dead.