Alert the superdelegates!

Hillary Clinton has determined that by counting only states that held primaries instead of caucuses, including Florida where no one campaigned, and Michigan where Obama wasn't even on the ballot, she moves ahead in the popular vote tally.

Her math is faulty, though. Obviously, Michigan was an unfair fight, so those votes are out (don't worry, we'll seat the delegates because every state deserves to have representatives go to Denver and wear straw boater hats). Same with Florida. I agree that caucuses are bizarre anachronisms, so throw those out. But to include open primaries? You shouldn't be allowed to count votes where independents and Republicans and even Green Party members are participating.

By the same token, closed primaries shouldn't count either. I mean, it's not really indicative of how well a candidate will perform in the general election if only Democrats are allowed to vote.

That brings Hillary into a dead heat with Obama at zero votes, tied for second place behind... me. After counting votes in the comments section of this blog, I have five votes. Eliminating the three that came from non-US citizens and felons, I win the popular vote with two.

Bring on McCain!

Campaign 2008: Promise

New campaign promise: Should I ever get the invitation, I will never raise my hand in a presidential debate. In part because I feel a debate should be about the exchange of ideas, not soundbites, and in part because it would open me up to such childish mockery.

"Okay, raise your hand if you fantasized about Ru Paul before you figured out she was a dude."


"Show of hands: how many of you are wearing frilly panties right now?"

Campaign 2008: More Debates

Fred Thompson is entering the race soon, I hear. I will put this debate out there to blunt any momentum he might built next month when he announces.

Fred Thompson, you claim to be the next incarnation of Ronald Reagan - an outsider to Washington better known as an actor than a politician. You are not the next Ronald Reagan. First of all, you are a good actor. Ronald Reagan was in a movie with a chimp and couldn't get top billing. Second, you were only a senator for one term, and you didn't do much while you were there. You're John Edwards minus hair.

While we're at it, Al Gore, don't even think about it. You used to be what we call an easy target. Now, you've added fat to the list of things people can mock you over. I know the triumphant return must appeal to you, but you would be looking to repeat history: Vice President for a 2-term popular president who led the country through a peaceful economic expansion, lost a tight election over dodgy electoral shenanigans to a young, inexperienced political scion, spent years out of the limelight only to return with a new sense of charisma... that's not your story; that's Richard Nixon. Don't become the next Richard Nixon. Stick with the PowerPoint.

The only other big name that might run is Newt Gingrich, so I may as well cover all my bases. Newt Gingrich... are you fucking kidding me? 1. You are Newt Gingrich. 2. Your name is Newt Gingrich. There will never be a President Newt.

I respectfully await any or all of your rebuttals in the comments section.

Campaign 2008: Debates

Dennis Kucinich, what's the point? Are you going to do this every four years? You stay in the race too long, making the Democratic primary debates too crowded and chaotic, and making the 7 Dwarves analogy all too apt. Even if you could win the primary and general election, which clearly would require an unprecedented number of sex with farm animal scandals in your opponents' camps, how could you lead this country? It is a dangerous world, and our enemies would be emboldened once they realized how easy it would be to grab you, flip you upside down, and flush your head in a toilet. Do not make the office of the President synonymous with the swirly. I saw your latest poll numbers: 0% with an error of ±3%. Stand aside for my candidacy. I am also polling at 0%, but with an error of ±6%. I have twice the upside you do.


John McCain... You're kind of a badass. You frighten me. I won't say shit about you.

Campaign 2008: Debates

Barack Obama, you have betrayed your heritage. You don't speak the way your people do, nor do you carry on their customs and traditions. I am of course referring to your Hawaiian roots. You were born in Honolulu, and spent the majority of your childhood in Oahu. Yet you never speak with a local accent, nor do we ever hear the Pidgin dialect from you. Are you ashamed of being judged culturally backwards? Did you never embrace the local people? Do you look down on their culture? In short, sir, are you racist against ethnic Hawaiians and the caucasian-polynesian-asian-black-hispanic blend that is the local Hawaiian population? Well, sir, I do not see how you can hope to compete for the Presidency without those 4 electoral votes.

Wot, brah, you no like talk da kine? You wen go stay on da mainland too long, forget how fo talk li dis, yeah? Brah, you just one haole.

I respectfully await your rebuttal in the comments section.

Campaign 2008: Debates

Mitt Romney, you are a Mormon. That's cool and all, but when you ran for governor of Massachusetts you abandoned your conservative upbringing to favor gay rights, gun control, the right to choose, and other liberal touchstone issues. Now you run for the GOP nomination, and you have abandoned those policies for the conservative party line on family values. If you were offered the Green Party nomination I'm sure you'd start walking around in hemp clothing playing hackey sack. You are running not so much as a Mormon, but as a douchebag. We've had too long a run of douchebag presidents. That's what I have to offer this country: I am not a douchebag.

I respectfully await your rebuttal in the comments section.

The Slappy Platform: Energy

My guiding principle for energy policy is a variation on the Clinton triangulation, except I will position myself between the left and right wings so that I piss everyone off. As long as no one is very happy with what I'm proposing, then I feel I'm very close to the right answer.

I will end subsidies for extracting fossil fuels, thus annoying the pro-business conservatives.

I will push for next-generation nuclear power plants to replace coal and gas-fired plants and reduce our carbon emissions, which will make the environmental left confused and angry.

I will provide large subsidies for farmers who produce ethanol from switchgrass, so people who hate subsidized farming will hate me.

Then I'll phase out corn-ethanol subsidies, causing the farmers to turn on me, the fickle corn-loving bastards.

My administration will put a plan in place to reduce carbon emissions, but at a reasonable enough pace that it doesn't reduce our GDP, angering both conservatives who think that global warming is a UN conspiracy and upper-middle class idle youth who wear dreadlocks and play hackey sack and blame every problem in their lives on corporations.

Right after I sign legislation supporting solar home power systems and the construction of wind turbine farms and doubling the budget of the National Renewable Energy Lab, I will go to the San Diego Zoo and bitch-slap a panda. Why? Because fuck him, that's why.

And as I lie in traction, recovering from my panda-mauling, I will bask in the satisfaction of cleaning the environment without letting any of the annoying interest groups be happy about it.

Campaign 2008: Debates

As the campaigns of the more "mainstream" candidates discover blogs and MySpace and whatnot, I thought I'd launch the first blog-based debate. My first opponent will be Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton, you are a polarizing character. Republicans believe you tried to impose a health care system cribbed from Stalin and personally shot Vince Foster in the face. Your 1992 one-liner about baking cookies continues to echo in the political arena because many Americans love the traditional family arrangement, and many more love cookies. In fact, polling experts believe that most of your supporters only want to vote for you because it would piss off Republicans more than anything. Your unfavorable ratings routinely range from 40 to 50%. My unfavorable ratings, on the other hand, are zero within the margin of error. My favorable ratings are also currently zero, but that is bound to skyrocket once I start reaching out to the 99% of the voters who haven't heard of me.

I say that the time for healing has come. If you are elected in 2008, then we consign ourselves to more oscillation between political dynasties. Jeb in 2016. Roger Clinton in 2024. Where will it end? Don't condemn Chelsea to run in 2040 - drop out of the race now and throw your support behind me. There might even be a place in the Department of the Interior for you...

I respectfully await your rebuttal in the comments section.

The Slappy Platform: Campaign Finance Reform

I have no plans to change how much money can be raised. Instead, I will ban campaigns from advertising on TV. Candidates are spending too much money and skewing their focus on voters who can read, but choose not to. Candidates are only allowed on TV if they are appearing on a reality show. If you want to whore yourself to get into office, at least you can be honest about it and sing, or eat rancid animal parts, or juggle chainsaws.

Besides, there's no reason that every four years we need to torture the people of Ohio, Florida, and Colorado with "Are you aware that my opponent eats live puppies" attack ads.

The Slappy Platform: Social Issues

My fellow Americans, the central tenet to my social policy is the right to not give a shit. As long as you don't hurt people around you, and you don't interrupt my cartoons to tell me about it, you can do it.

You're gay and you want to get married? Fine. As long as I don't have to sit through the ceremony or buy you a $50 set of candlestick holders, I don't care. Three guys want to marry two girls? Fine with me, you filthy hippies. Two guys want to marry a goat? No, because the goat can't consent. Talking goat? That might be okay. We'll leave that to the Supreme Court.

But part of the right to not give a shit is the right to disapprove of other people. You can even hate on people. No one is allowed to force other people to accept their lifestyle. Timmy Hardaway is allowed to hate gay people. George Takei is allowed to mock him mercilessly. Actually, I support this kind of free dialogue because that's what America is all about, and it's always fun when someone famous makes an ass of themself.

The new church/state test will be one of equal time. If a town wants to put up a nativity scene because some Christians ask, that's fine as long as if some Jews want a Hanukkah shrub they get some love too. The city also has to put up something nice for Ramadan if the Muslims ask. And a little display for the Flying Spaghetti Monster if some douchebags ask. Nothing for Kwanzaa, though, because that's totally made up.

Medical issues such as abortion and euthanasia will be left to doctors and patients, not old lawyers on Capitol Hill. Anyone who is a medical doctor on the Hill who claims he can diagnose a brain-dead patient in Florida based on a few minutes of videotape will be forced to perform a find/replace on all of their official government biographies to switch every instance of "doctor" for "douchebag."

Marijuana: legal. Regulated and taxed like tobacco. For too long we have ignored a steady stream of tax revenue and unnecessarily punished the proprietors of late-night fast food establishments. Every other drug needs to be decriminalized. For people who get arrested for drug possession, I will focus our efforts on treatment, not incarceration. Addicts will be shown time lapse movies of Keith Richards from the 1960s to present day, and I'm talking eyes held open like Clockwork Orange. I can't see how that would possibly backfire.

Together, we can build a more awesome America.

No committees needed

2008 Campaign Update: McCain is officially in, Vilsack is officially out, Rudy is officially a Republican, and Obama is officially black.

I can sit on the sidelines no longer. I'm throwing my hat (and possibly my pants) into the ring. I formally announce that I, Slappy Rjinswand, am running to be the next president of the United States of America. I will register under the JiggsCasey.com Party, which we hope to get on the ballot in 49 states and the District of Columbia. Screw you, Alaska! We don't need your 3 puny electoral votes. Repeatedly electing Senator Stevens was cute at first, but it's getting on my nerves.

I'm working on my platform this week. Any help is appreciated. So far all I have is "Increase awesomeness in federal government four-fold within the first hundred days."