Damn you John Edwards!

My revenge against Jerry will have to wait. Something bigger came up. John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama. Apparently Barack has promised to bring Change and Hope to both of the Two Americas. But I can see what's going on here. John is angling for a place on the ticket - he sees that in 2008, the Democratic presidential candidate actually has a chance. As opposed to 2004, when the Democrats nominated a lead balloon without the dynamic personality traits you typically associate with a lead balloon.

Instead of a unity ticket with Clinton, or a ticket that makes electoral sense, Edwards is proposing a pretty boy unity ticket.

That was my idea, dammit. I would offer to withdraw from my surging campaign in exchange for the VP spot with Obama to form a biracial pretty boy unity ticket. Between the two of us, we would have the genetic information of one white man, which would set voters' fears at ease. Now that's ruined.

I'm starting to think I'm never going to get elected to higher office.

Throwaway joke Friday

The Parking Office in Cambridge, Massachusetts, advises you not to drive there, as there is no parking anywhere near the place.

So someone in the State Department was snooping through Obama's passport files? What are you hoping to find there, records of a trip to Mecca organized by Secret Muslim Tours?

Speaking of Obama, did anyone catch his speech this week? I saw parts of it and read the transcript, and boy howdy can he write. No matter what you think of his pastor, or race, or politics, you have to love that speech. If I were Obama I'd start scandals just to give more speeches of healing. Screw a hooker, punch a nun, whatever. Just set up a mic, a dozen American flags, and stand the hell back.

Super Letdown Tuesday

In case you missed it, here's a summary of the Super Tuesday primary results:

McCain ripped some shit up, but Huckabee won a bunch of Southern states. McCain is looking like the nominee, and Huckabee might be trying to get the VP nod. Here comes the Huckicane! He also might just be trying to score a gig playing bass at the convention. Either way.

Clinton and Obama saw their shadows, which means three more months of campaigning. I'm not sure who won yesterday. Because the Democratic Party believes in proportional representation (so that none of the candidates feel bad about themselves for coming in second), most of the delegate counts look like 31-30. Many states have been "won" by a candidate who got the exact same number of delegates as #2. The whole primary season for the Dems has been a giant circle jerk with attack ads.

Campaign 2008: Debates

Barack Obama, you have betrayed your heritage. You don't speak the way your people do, nor do you carry on their customs and traditions. I am of course referring to your Hawaiian roots. You were born in Honolulu, and spent the majority of your childhood in Oahu. Yet you never speak with a local accent, nor do we ever hear the Pidgin dialect from you. Are you ashamed of being judged culturally backwards? Did you never embrace the local people? Do you look down on their culture? In short, sir, are you racist against ethnic Hawaiians and the caucasian-polynesian-asian-black-hispanic blend that is the local Hawaiian population? Well, sir, I do not see how you can hope to compete for the Presidency without those 4 electoral votes.

Wot, brah, you no like talk da kine? You wen go stay on da mainland too long, forget how fo talk li dis, yeah? Brah, you just one haole.

I respectfully await your rebuttal in the comments section.