jiggscasey.com

It's a book!

2011-05-17T19:23:00.000-07:00

You know what the second choice was for the title of this website? Funny to Us. Now that's the title for our new book full of old material. It's the JiggsCasey.com Greatest Hits album.

It's a kindle thing, too.

Eggs Winklevoss

2011-04-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

I was going to start calling my testicles the Winklevoss Twins, but I decided that that'd be too insulting to my testicles.

At the Militant Lesbian Bistro....

2011-03-03T20:06:00.000-08:00

Do you think they serve Man-Hatin' Clam Chowder?

My Idea for a Horrible Sitcom Character....

2010-10-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

his catch phrase is 'I don't know, I'm just a douche with a dick in my hand....and it's MY dick!'

I think it has legs.

Another hilarious comment on our liquid nitrogen video

2010-09-06T18:41:00.000-07:00

That video is the gift that keeps on giving:

this puts the word "public mastrabating trenchcoat,van driving cerial killer" in my head

A man, a plan, a canal: jiggscasey.com - the book

2010-07-17T14:33:00.000-07:00

Time for our monthly blog post here. And I'm here to inform all 5 of you that follow this blog that we have a plan; A massive plan to put together the grandest volume of intellectual masturbation that the world has ever seen: jiggscasey.com - the book.

Like most of our grand plans, this one will likely fail. That said, we have started brainstorming titles for jiggscasey.com - the book. Here are the best titles we have come up with so far:

My other testicle is a convertible
Funny to us
I beat him to death with his own massive penis, and it was both glorious and erotic.
Snorting cocaine off of a dutch hooker's ass.

New Catchphrase!

2010-06-20T15:21:00.000-07:00

...or at least a new statement of dismay for use among the general public:

"Well Rickroll my Dickhole".

Rickroll my Dickhole could also be the title of a gay porno. probably.

If the singer Sting died...

2010-05-18T23:18:00.000-07:00

If the singer Sting died, would everyone start calling him "Stung"?

RIP Gordon Sumner

Friends with the Kennedys

2010-04-24T18:07:00.000-07:00

Someone commented on the last post:

content please? You are missed! - RFK

Which can only mean that the ghost of Bobby Kennedy is a fan!

Take that every other blog that doesn't have the ghost of a kennedy as a fan!

In other news, I have to go to Raleigh, NC this week.

For those of you not familiar with Raleigh, it has a city councilman named "Bonner Gaylord". NO JOKE!

If I were to give Bonner Gaylord a nickname, it would be "Erect penis, King of the homosexuals".

If your penis is a white supremacist...

2010-02-23T10:10:00.000-08:00

If your penis is a white supremacist,

Then would it be a member of the ku klux glans?

Booyah!!!!

I know it's a little late, but I still got it!

There are so many lesbians in berkeley that...

2009-12-30T23:00:00.000-08:00

Merry new year to you all. I live in berkeley California, where every other woman is a lesbian. In other words:

There are so many lesbians in Berkeley that you can't throw a softball without hitting a subaru.

There are so many lesbians in Berkeley that you can't throw a turkey baster without hitting a strap-on dildo.

There are so many lesbians in Berkeley that you can't throw a Tegan and Sara album without hitting Tegan and Sara.

Admiral Snackbar

2009-10-31T02:02:00.000-07:00

Ok. I think I finally thought of a phrase that isn't on the internet.

Enjoy my brand new phrase: Scrotisserie Chicken!

It's the combination of "scrotum" and "rotisserie chicken!" Obviously, scrotisserie chicken is a euphemism for the man junk area both because the penis is a rod and it's also a cock. I.e. A rotisserie and a chicken.

I got married.

2009-10-27T23:53:00.000-07:00

The few of you that were wondering whatever happened to me now know the answer: I got married. And being married and having a real job makes it darn near impossible for me to blog.

And in case you're wondering if this is another one of my elaborate ruses, enjoy the following picture of my wife and I after the ceremony. We are positively glowing:

Blogging is so retro!

2009-10-19T22:18:00.000-07:00

These days, people don't blog anymore. Sites like facebook and twitter have made it so much easier to share your thoughts with your friends that blogging seems antiquated.

In fact, I went to the trouble of joining those sites just to see what all the fuss was about, and I quickly realized something: Facebook and twitter are totally fucking stupid!

On facebook and twitter, people feel free to tell you every trivial and/or moronic thought that sprints through their feeble minds. It just makes me want to tell the whole world to "shut the hell up!"

I long for the days when people blogged and at least tried to be thoughtful. You know, the good old days...

Blinded by the light...

2009-10-11T23:41:00.000-07:00

Revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night....

What was Manfred Mann's Earth Band implying here? is lead singer Chris Thompson referencing crapping his pants in his sleep?

Another fun fact... this was a cover of Bruce Springsteen's first single, which didn't garner much success. The Boss's original lyric was "And she was blinded by the light/Cut loose like a deuce another runner in the night/blinded by the light/She got down but she never got tight, but she'll make it alright", which again seems to imply some form of night-pooping...but perhaps with bouts of constipation on the road to empty bowels?

It's a rich tapestry, music.

The downfall of this blog...

2009-10-05T23:37:00.000-07:00

makes me really sad, even though I'm partially to blame. Where else will people go to read stupid jokes? Like parodied-real-movie-name porno titles?

In other news, I was recently inspired to peruse the internet and see if anyone actually made 'Buttplugs at Tiffany's' or 'The Curious Case of Benjamin's Butthole'

I have been scooped again

2009-07-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

Once again, I thought I had invented a new word. This time it was the word "smegmalomaniac" which is a hilarious combination of "smegma" and "megalomaniac", obviously meaning one who is obsessed with their own smegma. However, as is always the case, some other moron with internet access had already made up the word.

Thanks a lot internet. You suck.

Friction between water molecules killed the cat

2009-07-21T01:12:00.000-07:00

The difference between a child and a cat: when a child is being naughty, you can't put it in the microwave.

Oscar Mayer dead: body ground up and put into hot dogs

2009-07-09T23:38:00.000-07:00

What's a better word for a strange penis-vagina hybrid: vageenis or penginas?

Taiwanese Girls Successful Story

2009-07-02T01:05:00.000-07:00

Tasty and I watched the first 3 minutes of a terrible east Asian soap opera (the stupidly named "Taiwanese girl successful story.") Then btown suggested that renowned chef Bobby flay should make a guest appearance. If Bobby flay were to make such an appearance, I'd bet that he'd make that Taiwanese woman's vagina a pallet for his bold semen.

Good News... Bad News

2009-06-17T00:19:00.000-07:00

The good news is that I got a job a few weeks ago. The bad news is that I have no free time anymore to sit around and blog and play video games. Honestly, it kind of sucks.

So updates to the blog will be infrequent, but I'll still think about you... when I masturbate.

Another TV appearance.

2009-06-02T15:07:00.000-07:00

Booty managed to score us some sweet tix to Conan's first tonight show!!!! Jiggs and I, being as ever-demanding of TV coverage by the sheer power of our presence, were once again awesomely visible... thanks in part to the foam Conan hair we scored that one time we saw him in San Francisco:

Booty is in another shot, but I haven't had time to photoshop a ski-mask onto his face yet.

As soon as NBC provides an HD downloadable version through their new beta 'NBC direct' dealio, I'll try and get some more high-res shots.

Openings are being filled

2009-05-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

This is a picture from the "massage therapy" place down the street from my place. Notice that in one window, they have three "open" signs (and they have a fourth in the adjacent window which you can sort of see the reflection of).

This "massage therapy" place always has those thick curtains up, so you can never see inside. Additionally, they have a peephole in their opaque wooden door. And usually if you're walking by, and the door opens for a "client", the person opening the door stands behind it so you don't see them. Except for this one time, when I saw an Asian chick with a nightie on.

Anyway, what I don't understand is why a massage parlor feels the need to advertise its openness with such redundancy. I get it: You're open and you provide oily handjobs. You don't need to be so aggressive about it, though.

We kicked its ass!!!

2009-04-27T01:27:00.000-07:00

The washer-dryer unit in our place was rattling... and we totally fucking fixed it! Take that you son of a bitch dryer! We kicked your ass! Your exhaust fan ain't never gonna spin free no more!

In case you're counting, this is the second time we fixed the shit out of the same washer-dryer unit. The first time, the motor for the wash basin broke, and we ordered a new one from kenmore and installed it ourselves.

The 1919s: 2; Washer-Dryer unit: 0

BOOM!

Pure liquid evil

2009-04-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

I have started using pepto bismol whenever I suffer from the symptoms associated with pepto bismol. However, there is a frightening, but completely safe side effect associated with taking the stuff. Namely, that it turns your excrement black as night. And once, upon continuing to experience diarrhea after taking some pepto, it was as if I spewed out pure liquid evil. It was blacker than the heart of Satan, and certainly was crude, but it was not oil. What I'm saying is that it makes my doodies black.

Dear news media,

2009-04-13T08:48:00.000-07:00

The rescue of the freighter captain from Somali pirates is awesome, but not a military victory for Obama. It's a great day for everyone involved (except the pirates), but by definition, you cannot complete the phrase "military victory" with "over four Somalis in a lifeboat."

That is all. Carry on.

Where angels fear to tread...

2009-04-04T02:37:00.000-07:00

I recently discovered that "tread" has a secondary meaning. In addition to describing a way of moving, it also refers to birds doing it. More specifically, a male bird copulating with a female. For example, one could say, "Big Bird TROD Snufflelupagus all night long."

Wait... Is Big Bird a male bird? Regardless, enjoy the destruction of your youthful innocence!

I guess I really am in the minority...

2009-03-30T13:14:00.001-07:00

I had a conversation with Jiggs and B-town a few months ago about the use of the underwear penis-flap for the purposes of urination.

They both thought I was crazy for telling them that I use it at least 50-75% of the time when I'm at the urinal.

...and I thought they were crazy for seeming so resolute in their outrage....

but I saw a 'random statistic' online yesterday that confirmed their position. apparently 85% of men don't use the flap.

...to which I say, why they hell not?

It's so convenient!!!

Podcast 9 is live... HEAR IT!

2009-03-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

iToonles. We need the lady-listener's opinions on this one....

My cat has been stealing from me

2009-03-15T08:12:00.000-07:00

We've been finding loose change all around the apartment this past last week. This morning we caught one of our two cats grab a dime off my dresser and run off with it in her mouth. I still don't know how she got my credit card number though...

Who ogles the Watchmen?

2009-03-10T03:17:00.000-07:00

Tasty and I saw Watchmen. It was pretty fucking awesome. And one of many nice things about it was that it had just the right amount of nudity in it.

My general stance on movies is this: every R-rated film should have nudity, specifically hot naked babes possibly having hot naked sex. However, differing amounts of nudity are appropriate depending on the genre of the film.

A comic-book-based action movie set in a dystopian society, such as watchmen, needs to have enough nudity to feel a little tickle in the groin region, but not so much as to distract from the darkness, helplessness and general malaise associated with the watchmen universe. And might I just add that Malin Akerman has a booty that just won't quit, not even for a sandwich and a glass of milk... Also, who would have thought that digitally-generated, blue cock would be so visually appealing?

Logan's Run, on the other hand, is a huge let down in the nudity department. That dystopian society is supposed to be based on youth and sexuality. We barely get a glimpse of boobies, and there's no blue cock to be seen. It's just not right.

Poor Jimmy Fallon

2009-03-03T01:33:00.000-08:00

Last night I watched the premiere of jimmy fallon's show. It was not good. It was only slightly more watchable than Carson Daly's show, and that was with Robert DeNiro, Justin Timberlake and Van Morrison as guests. Granted, I have high expectations for the 12:30 slot because of the awesomeness of Conan. Although I don't remember what Conan's first show was like. Maybe it was also bad...

Podcast 8 is live.

2009-02-27T11:13:00.000-08:00

Grab it via iTunes . Also, see Slappy's post below

Dropping in

2009-02-27T10:42:00.002-08:00

I know it's been a while, but I'm buying a house and it's been taking every last shred of time and brain cells for many weeks. The paperwork is killing me. Last night I had to fax a copy of my balls to Wells Fargo. And that's just for pre-approval!

I know, I would have expected a better joke after so long too. I'm as disappointed as you are.

It's a catch 401k

2009-02-26T03:12:00.000-08:00

You'd think being unemployed would be a boon to my blogging abilities. On the contrary, being unemployed sucks the creativity right out of me, and it is just generally depressing.

There's no hahas in this post.

More like the curious case of Benjamin butthole

2009-02-22T22:56:00.000-08:00

Starring brad shit!

It's two terrible puns working in tandem!!

I am unemployed

2009-02-18T04:20:00.001-08:00

Upside: Being unemployed is great because I finally have time to play video games.

Downside: Unfortunately, I can't afford any new video games.

Upside: I finally beat Super Mario Brothers.

My other penis is a convertible

2009-02-13T01:14:00.000-08:00

If I were a proctologist hosting a talk show, I'd call it "fecal matters".

I'm restarting the dumb joke tradition here on the blog. Welcome to your destiny.

This guy is not me

2009-02-11T02:30:00.001-08:00

Though I kind of wish he was me. This guy is on a disney show. I am just some random schmo.

I would do anything for love...

2009-02-03T14:28:00.001-08:00

I took the comfort food quiz and got Meatloaf. (see below)

This made me want to tell everyone that Meatloaf would do anything for love, with the exception of pegging. However, I already did that joke nearly three years ago. So it's official: I'm repeating myself, and thus the blog has jumped the shark.

Additional irony is provided by the fact that meatloaf tastes quite good when it is reheated and repeated, but the pegging joke does not have that same charm.

You Are Meatloaf

When you're stressed out, you seek food that will sustain you.

You crave a hearty, protein packed meal. And there's little heartier than meatloaf.

Life demands a lot of you. It's likely you work hard and have a lot of responsibilities.

You are energetic and can handle a lot more than most people. You take comfort in anything that fuels you.

What Comfort Food Are You?

Podcast 7 is alive....!!!

2009-01-28T12:46:00.000-08:00

For an enticing 14 minutes (with sexy consequences) be sure to check out our post-holidays/pre-Vegas podcast, now available via iTunes.

Vega's baby... Yes!

2009-01-23T03:29:00.000-08:00

Tasty, Slappy and I are hitting Vegas this weekend like a mack truck. We're having ourselves a post-nuptial bash. I'll be playing some 3-6 limit holdem, and hopefully I won't lose all my money.

And even though we are going to vegas, don't expect crazy stories. We're not party boys, and the biggest highlight for us will be the Liberace museum.

People love the ShamWow guy!

2009-01-20T00:58:00.000-08:00

Today, of course, is the inauguration. However, I want to talk about what everyone is really interested in: The ShamWow guy.

People love the ShamWow guy. Just saying "ShamWow guy" makes people laugh, and honestly I'm jealous. I want to hold 20 times my weight in liquid! I want to spend $40 a month on paper towels! I want to be a walking punchline just like the ShamWow guy!

Also, doesn't this emoticon kind of look like Hitler? :|)

Geyser Hole! ... Great Job!

2009-01-16T00:08:00.001-08:00

Some xmas gifts from Jiggs. Sweet.

The deer are rising up

2009-01-11T09:16:00.000-08:00

I was driving home the other week on a quiet Pennsylvania road when two deer ran out across the road about 100 yards in front of my car. I slowed a little bit since it was pretty dark out, when suddenly something thudded against the driver's side door. By the time I was done freaking out, the deer that rammed my car had scampered off into the darkness. Both doors got dented in, but luckily I survived without even soiling myself.

The only conclusion from this coordinated attack that I can draw is that the deer are rising up to overthrow the human oppressors. Their movements will only become more sophisticated. It's us or them people!

More Pics from Slappy's Wedding!

2009-01-05T01:32:00.003-08:00

And Booty's and my trip to the crayola factory. Here Booty and I are posing with a big crayon:

This is what I look like if I don't get my morning coffee. LOLZ!!! ROFLS!!!

If I were to name a boat, I'd name it after the person that I loved the most:

And finally, this is Booty, Slappy and me posing immediately prior to Slappy's wedding:

Last Video of the Year!

2008-12-31T13:58:00.000-08:00

Fun with a Japanese Desiccant!

This week in douchebaggery

2008-12-30T13:11:00.000-08:00

The WSJ is running an article - front page - on how Dell's efforts to go carbon neutral are all smoke and mirrors. Why? Because Dell is only offsetting (by buying renewable energy and a reforestation plan) carbon emitted by their plants, offices, and delivery vehicles. The WSJ argues that they are neglecting the carbon emitted by the companies that supply them, and the electricity used by consumers to power their Dell computers.

Presumably, Dell should also offset carbon in the supply chain for the automakers that make their trucks and the shipping costs for anything bought on Amazon using a Dell computer. Although you can't account for the carbon involved in buying a Dell computer using another Dell computer, because that would cause a tear in the space-time continuum.

Didn't the WSJ used to be a reputable news source? What the hell happened?

Christmas Re-Heat

2008-12-26T23:07:00.000-08:00

The stickers can't walk

2008-12-19T18:56:00.000-08:00

Go to hell, Ricky Nelson!

2008-12-17T03:57:00.000-08:00

That bastard Ricky Nelson fathered twin sons. Those sons went on to form a band called "Nelson". Nelson was a one hit wonder hair band responsible for "Can't live without your love and affection." That song is literally forgettable in that I have no recollection of how it might go.

Anyway, if Ricky Nelson hadn't fathered the Nelson brothers, then the name "Nelson" could be the name of the Willie Nelson/Nelson Mandela supergroup I'm trying to put together. I guess we'll just have to go with the vastly inferior name, "Willie Mandela".

Get your fix.... with Podcast 6!

2008-12-15T13:31:00.000-08:00

Just a reminder for all of our iTunes subscribers (that's everyone here, right??!!?), but Podcast 6, the hilarious continuation of Slappy's interview of Jiggs and I, is now live on iTunes....

Enjoy!

My new book

2008-12-10T16:06:00.000-08:00

I'm writing a sequel to "Why Mommy Is a Democrat," titled "Why Daddy Is a Democratic Governor of Illinois."

Page 1:

To get paid, bitches!

There is no page 2.

I guess it's more of a pamphlet.

King Midas Showers

2008-12-07T17:14:00.000-08:00

Do you think anyone has ever been stung on the face by a jellyfish while snorkeling? And if that person that had been stung on the face made it back to shore, and writhed around in pain from the sting to the face, do you think someone would be kind-hearted enough to pee on that injured snorkeler's face? And do you think that someone might videotape such a kind-hearted gesture and put it on the Internet for me to watch?

Just wondering...

Someone needs a makeover!

2008-12-03T03:48:00.000-08:00

Gary Coleman left a Utah courtroom yesterday dressed like this:
Why is Gary Coleman wearing a cowboy hat? Does he think he is Darius Rucker? Why is he dressed in a snowsuit? Was he purposely trying to dress like a hick or was he going skiing immediately after his court appearance? Does that old white guy remind you of Mr. Drummond with a hairpiece? Isn't "Mr. Drummond with a hairpiece" the name of an old Sebadoh album?

That'll get the ladies....

2008-11-28T23:28:00.000-08:00

So.... let's just say I'm considering online dating and leave it at that... but I just find these suggested screen names at okcupid hilarious:

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T03:23:00.000-08:00

Enjoy this classic 1919s Production:

VH1 Owes Everything to Flavor Flav

2008-11-25T09:24:00.000-08:00

Here's a family tree of reality television on VH1. As you can see (click on Flav for full size), the entire programming lineup for the last two years has been based on Flavor Flav.

Iron constitution

2008-11-24T06:11:00.000-08:00

I had to fast for 12 hours for a blood test. Now I think I have a better idea of how long I could maintain a hunger strike. Somewhere between 12 hours 15 minutes and 12 hours 20 minutes.

Axl Rose and Mark McGuire - Separated at birth?

2008-11-23T22:41:00.000-08:00

Axl Rose

Mark McGwire

Don't forget that Chinese Democracy is droppin, and you can get a free dr. pepper on drpepper.com.

I'm sure this is on everyone's mind

2008-11-23T11:07:00.000-08:00

Why is Montana called "Big Sky Country"? How can the sky be that much bigger? Okay, I'm sure it's impressive compared to the sky above, say, midtown Manhattan. But it seems to me any state that is flat and undeveloped should have about the same sized sky above it.

If I were Oklahoma I'd be pissed about the Big Sky Country thing.

Stimulation with comfortable irregularity

2008-11-21T03:44:00.000-08:00

I was in a Japanese dollar store in my neck of the woods, and I noticed a fun piece of exercise equipment:

Because the worry of the fall is not needed, the one not good at the balance ball senior citizen can safely enjoy exercise.

Podcast 5 is Alive!

2008-11-19T23:21:00.000-08:00

You glorious bastards. We know it's been several weeks (like, 5 or 6, but who's counting). We're sorry. There was traveling, and difficult logistics, and absent microphones, and more difficulty.

Podcast 5 is available on iTunes.
get it.

I,m posting from Philadelphia tonight, so it's already tomorrow, even though it says it's still today.

Still goofy, after all these years

2008-11-18T02:04:00.000-08:00

I forgot to mention that I got out of jury duty. It's surprisingly easy to get out of jury duty when you show up in your underwear and rap about a tiny game show host.

This past weekend, I went to a persimmon orchard. Persimmons are like a cross between a pear and a pumpkin, and they taste kind of good and kind of weird. I took a picture of myself in front of a persimmon drying rack, and it's good to know that I still have the goofy:

Another problem for Obama to fix

2008-11-13T21:37:00.000-08:00

They might have delicious burgers and baked potatoes at this northern California Wendy's, but tasty food is no excuse for a Wendy in blackface!

In dumb joke news, I have decided that I'm going to write a porno about a sexually prolific professional janitor/toilet-cleaner called "2000 Bushes".

It's called a spoonerism

2008-11-11T08:37:00.001-08:00

Sarah Palin...

Parah Salin...

Parasailing.

Goddammit, I knew she wasn't real. We've all been pranked by the GOP!

My last election wish

2008-11-10T11:11:00.001-08:00

I hope John McCain prevails in Missouri. Not because I have an elaborate wager on the state-by-state outcome, not because I feel bad for McCain and want him to get a little closer to 200 EV, but because then we won't have to hear any more news stories about how Missouri always votes for the winner of the presidential election. Ever since the Magna Carta was signed, Missouri has always sided with the winner of every election everywhere in the world. Just shut the hell up, Missouri. You are not the boss of me.

I blame Barack Obama

2008-11-09T23:45:00.000-08:00

The election was inspirational. It made almost everyone in our nation hopeful for a better future. However, the worst possible thing happened: Tomorrow I have to report to jury duty.

With such terrible news, you can understand why my hope is dashed.

I blame Barack Obama... If Obama really is so awesome, why can't he get me out of jury duty? If his change is real, why can't he change the rules so that I can postpone again?

And for a moment, I believed in his change. How silly. How silly indeed.

Election Day Mad Lib

2008-11-04T13:36:00.000-08:00

Here's a little mad-lib to distract you on election day:

When it comes to [verb+ing], [Politician] is more like Tony Danza than R. Kelly.

The randomness of it has been amusing me all day.

Cruises are awesome

2008-11-02T14:39:00.000-08:00

My girlfiancewife and I just got back from a cruise in Tahiti. It was twelve kinds of awesome. There's good food in ludicrous portions, waiters don't look at you funny if you order two desserts, you can relax in your room while you travel between islands, and there's even shuffleboard. Shuffleboard!

But the best thing about a cruise is the entertainment. If you like sub-D-list shows, and if you're reading jiggsblog you must, you need to get on a Princess Cruise right now. We'll wait here for you. We had a well-meaning but incredibly shrill young woman and an animatronic male lead starring in four nights worth of music and dance, backed up by the Tahitian Princess dancers - three men and three women, at least one of them being a former stripper.

They did some medleys of songs from movies and musicals that walked a fine line between bad cruise entertainment and genius-level parody of cruise entertainment, but the final show blew everything else out of the water. Motown. Eight very white people who had no soul and were not superbad embarked on a tribute to Motown. In fact, halfway through the show, the three flamboyant male dancers came out to do "ABC" by the Jackson 5, wearing comically loud polyester suits and giant black afro wigs. God bless them, they did this spastic dance that looked like what a 5 year old would do with a rag doll trying to imitate the Jackson 5. I thought the next number would be done in blackface. No, they just had a weird lighting effect to make the girls (doing a medley of the Supremes) look strangely swarthy.

Best cruise ever.

The Crayola Museum aka Craycism

2008-10-31T02:08:00.000-07:00

Remember when I was in Pennsylvania for Slappy's wedding? Well when I was there, we went to the crayola museum. The museum had an exhibit of retired crayola colors including the infamous "flesh" color:

The fact that they could call this color "flesh" was deeply offensive to me because my skin is much pinker than that shade of pink. Thankfully, the crayola company acknowledged this and changed the name to "peach":

This week in creepy...

2008-10-28T00:21:00.000-07:00

Anyone looking for some free sperm by mail? Because at scientistdonor.com, you can get sperm from this random weirdo creep for free!

A diabolical plot...

2008-10-27T03:07:00.000-07:00

Tasty and I were reminiscing about the liquid nitrogen margaritas that we made a while back, and then we started wondering about other kinds of alcohol one could enjoy with the aid of liquid nitrogen. Tasty remembered an Everclear spiked watermelon he had enjoyed from his younger days, and then we formulated a diabolical plot much too evil to ever be carried out.

Liquid nitrogen is cold enough to freeze everclear. One could even make everclear popsicles with liquid nitrogen. Certainly, the idea of an everclear popsicle would be irresistible to foolish young fraternity brothers, and those with the fortitude to survive a frozen esophagus would be subject to the possibility of grain-alcohol-related blindness.

Blogosphere, this plan for everclear popsicles can never come to fruition. That is why I am posting it on this blog, so no one will ever read it!

I will never be mentally older than fifteen...

2008-10-21T01:54:00.000-07:00

So I was walking down the street, and I see this extremely large concrete-pumping vehicle being used at a construction site. Being that Wayne's World was an extremely important movie during my adolescence, I immediately noticed the word "schwing" written on it.

"Schwing", of course, is slang for an penile erection, and I was barely able to suppress my amusement at seeing the word. But then, on the same concrete-pumping vehicle, I saw the words "longest boom", and it was just too much for me to bear.

Anyway, here's a pic of the concrete-pumping vehicle. Enjoy:

a great job all around

2008-10-19T19:16:00.000-07:00

Hats off to Booty and Jiggs, who were able to deliver the toast without using any of the words from the forbidden list. Basically, the list included George Carlin's 7 dirty words, "hungry goat" and "reverse cowgirl." Jiggs was annoyed about the latter, because reverse cowgirl is a go-to punchline as the funniest sounding sexual position. Example:

Scene: Sea World. Two people are watching the dolphins.

Person A: {Seriously contemplative} How do dolphins mate, anyways?
Person B: Reverse cowgirl.

But even with the handicap, Jiggs and Booty knocked it out of the park. The toast was not unlike a 1919 Production, so it had a rambling, free associative feel, lasted about 20 minutes and caused 5 people to crap their pants laughing.

Oh, and the sun shined, the bride was beautiful, and we didn't drop the unity candle and set the church on fire. All in all, very successful wedding.

See you guys in a couple weeks after the honeymoon.

This is America...

2008-10-16T01:27:00.000-07:00

The wedding was in Pennsylvania, and while we were there we decided to get a cheesesteak in Philadelphia. We went to a famous cheesesteak stand called Geno's, owned by a fellow named Joey Vento. Vento is embroiled in a controversy over the following sign posted on his stand (and obviously on his hummer):

If you enlarge the pic, you will see that the sign says:
Joey Vento says this is America "SPEAK ENGLISH"

What I don't get about the sign is the use of quotes around 'speak English'. One would expect the quotes to be immediately after 'says'. I don't think the quotes are intended to be ironic quotes, either, so it must be a grammatical error.

But the cheesesteak itself was extremely tasty, and for a tasty cheesesteak, I will forgive all.

We did it!

2008-10-14T02:31:00.000-07:00

Booty and I inspired much laughter with our wedding toast. It makes me wonder if I could be paid as a professional toaster.

Also Slappy got married.

Wacky Wedding Hijinx

2008-10-08T01:31:00.000-07:00

Slappy is getting married this coming weekend, and Booty and I are heading out to his wedding on Thursday. As a result, we will be busy for the rest of the week with keeping Slappy from pooping his pants.

Of course Slappy's wedding is a joyous and wonderful occasion, but it also means that Booty and I have to come up with a speech. This will be nerve-wracking for all of us because:

1. Public speaking is scary
2. I have to try really hard to keep myself from saying something like "reverse cowgirl" or "hot beef injection".

Here's hoping that my speech at Slappy's wedding will be a winner.

Also Tasty, B-Town and I saw Maria Bamford tonight. Hilarious.

New Audio Podcast!!!!!!

2008-10-03T02:34:00.000-07:00

Episode 4 is up! Subscribe you bastards! We're so hilarious!!!

Here is the itunes subscribe link.

Now if you're one of those folks that doesn't use itunes, we might be able to hook you up with the RSS.

Oh how the mighty have fallen

2008-09-30T02:41:00.000-07:00

I was in Target shopping for my weekly supply of kleenex and cocoa butter when I saw a Halloween costume for the joker from Batman. What caught my eye was the picture of the fellow wearing the costume because it appears to be comedian Louis Anderson:

At least he's finding work...

Now if you have a bit of free time, you should click this link to Louis Anderson because in the video of his stand-up routine, he appears to be wearing this exact joker costume!

New sponsor

2008-09-27T17:47:00.000-07:00

Here's our new sponsor - Baby tags for douchebag parents!

Label your baby early with your own political views! This way, they will never never rebel against you, you pushy little douchebags.

Meet Frances Eliza Wolren. At age 17, she will join an environmentally sustainable, socialist coven. She will now answer to the name Moonbeam Treewanderer.

And this is Joseph Michael Robinson, future president of both the Ronald Reagan fan club and the John Birch Society chapter on the Oral Roberts campus. He will have "F-L-A-T" and "T-A-X" tattooed on his knuckles.

Up your nose with a fire hose

2008-09-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

I am leaving for a weekend in Austin this coming weekend. My friends in Austin said that if I was interested, that they would spray me down with a fire hose. Of course I am interested, but as you might guess, I am wary of nutcrushing and/or blindness.

So because "safety first" is my motto, I asked them whether I should wear a cup and/or safety goggles. They said that I should wear a cup, but that they wouldn't aim it at my face. So if I am interpreting it right, that means I should definitely wear safety goggles and some sort of kevlar bodysuit.

Audio Podcast Episode 3: Throw some mimes on the barbie

2008-09-23T00:36:00.000-07:00

Audio Podcast 3 has been up for awhile, but the blog was down. If you've already subscribed via iTunes, then you've already listened to and enjoyed said podcast.

If you haven't subscribed yet... SUBSCRIBE NOW!!!!!!!!!

New corporate sponsor!

2008-09-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

Campaign 2008 Time Saver

2008-09-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks to JiggsCasey.com, we have the text of every stump speech the candidates will give from now until November:

Barack Obama: Change change hope hope change.

John McCain: Change change hope hope change seriously change maverick.

Joe Biden: Labor Catholic labor Catholic Catholic. Really, really Catholic.

Sarah Palin: Moose lipstick moose small town moose lipstick uterus.

So please avoid cable news until after the election. We don't want to see any permanent psychological damage in anyone we care about.

Reflections on living with women

2008-09-18T09:30:00.000-07:00

I had no idea you were supposed to clean the top of the faucet in the bathroom. I'm not a filthy man, I clean the sink, the floor, the tub, and the mirror. Never cleaned the top of the faucet though. I never touch it, the water doesn't touch it, seemed only logical. Turns out that's gross. Who knew?

Jiggs and Tasty, on the other hand, clean the bathroom once a year with a very precisely engineered napalm bomb.

I am so jealous of Bristol Palin's future husband!

2008-09-12T00:51:00.000-07:00

I am so jealous of Bristol Palin's future husband, highschool hockey player Levi Johnston. Just think, two months ago he was some nobody redneck in Alaska without prospects, destined to a life of perpetual poverty. And then he got engaged to the VP candidate's daughter. Assuming that McCain loses, it's no harm, no foul since he can just call off the wedding and no one will give a shit.

But if hypothetically McCain wins, it's like he has the lottery! He'll be the son-in-law to the vice president. That means that he'll be able to live a life of luxury, and being professionally unemployed. He'll be able to go to the front of the line at Disneyland and meet famous hockey players. Then assuming that he stays together with Bristol for a couple of years, he'll get a kickass book deal for a couple million. And then he'll be young, handsome, famous and rich!

Kindle? I'll take twelve!

2008-09-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

I've been gone for a while - new job. Any day now they'll stop training me and let me do stuff. In the meantime, I was checking out books on Amazon, and the ad for Kindle caught my eye.

An e-book reader? We own three bookshelves and enough books to fill five, so that might be good. Granted, Kindle costs $359, but those are American dollars so it's only about four or five Euros. Plus, free shipping!

And besides, that new paperback I want to get costs $8, but on Kindle it costs... $10.

Dear Amazon,

Please use less costly electrons in future versions of Kindle. Jackasses.

With love,
Slappy

I have a promise ring

2008-09-09T01:29:00.000-07:00

Because I am a teenage girl, I watched the VMAs on Sunday night. The host was making fun of promise rings, and it made me mad! It made me mad because I, Jiggs Tiberius Casey, have a promise ring. Of course my promise ring is a promise cock ring.

When I'm putting the moves on with a lady, and she sees my promise cock ring, that lady knows that I have made a commitment; A commitment to my god Shiva to abstain from sex, and instead only do girls in the butt.

One day, a very special lady will unlock the secrets of my promise ring, and though I don't know who that woman might be, I do know one thing: that special lady will have one special vagina.

Long Live Long John Silvers!

2008-09-06T01:45:00.000-07:00

We tried to go to Long John Silver's for dinner, but it had closed down. They left a
note on the door that was almost touching...

So it turns out that this Long John Silvers is SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES!

Subscribe to our audio podcast

2008-09-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

Episode 2 of our critically acclaimed podcast is now available on iTunes. I don't know if the episode list in the iTunes store has updated, but subscribing to our podcast should (as of 5 minutes ago...stupid xml) allow you to download the first 2 episodes of the "1919s audio podcast hilariousness".

Subscribe! Enjoy! Rate us!

If I were a lady porn star...

2008-09-03T04:05:00.000-07:00

I'd call myself Cherry Cremes, just like this candy. It's a good name because it can also be a declarative sentence, though that would probably be spelled "creams"...

Campaign 2008

2008-08-29T10:37:00.000-07:00

It's the most exciting time of the season: Vice Presidential picks!

Obama decided to go with Old White Dude #12, which makes the ticket 75% white - almost a mirror image of the United States of America!

McCain made a gamechanging maverick decision to select as his running mate, his own daughter!

No, sorry, that's Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska. It's McCain's way of saying, "Hey, did you like Hillary Clinton? Well here's someone who holds the exact opposite of every policy position Hillary holds! But she's a chick!"

Observation

2008-08-28T08:09:00.000-07:00

We now own two kittens. When I clean their litterbox, they gather around me. I know that they're probably just curious, but I can't help but feel like they're watching me and thinking: "Yes, human. Never forget how we made you do that."

Dumb Joke

2008-08-27T02:31:00.000-07:00

Q: What do you call a really ugly nutsack?
A: scrotesque!

Do you see what I did there? I mixed the words scrotum and grotesque!

Of course, for a moment I thought I was clever and had made up this word. But it's way too obvious for that. It has an entry in the urban dictionary, and a truly terrible band goes by the name scrotesque.

Of course, it would please me greatly if fans of the band scrotesque came here to flame us. Also, if you're bored and want to waste 25 minutes of your life, listen to our audio podcast below.

Audio Podcast!

2008-08-25T05:24:00.001-07:00

Tasty and I sat down and bottle our magic into pure liquid gold. It's an audio podcast, and it's 25 minutes of somewhat listenable banter!

Script pitch

2008-08-22T03:50:00.000-07:00

I'm going to write an entire movie around one line of dialogue:

MAN and WOMAN are in bed. They are totally doing it.

MAN

Look, baby, I know I said I could last for an hour or two, but the truth is I probably can't make it much further than the end of this sent... ohhh, sorry.

World Gambling Tour!

2008-08-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

So I'm getting married in October. This usually means bachelor party, but the problem is I don't drink. This not only eliminates the inebriation leg of the bachelor party stool, but also undermines the stripper leg. See, strip clubs are designed for the drunk. I found attending one sober to be unpleasant and not something I wanted to repeat. The only leg remaining in the bachelor party stool is gambling.

Luckily, I'm Asian. And Asians love to gamble.

Instead of a bachelor party, I'm doing the World Gambling Tour - me playing poker with friends in some of my favorite casinos. Technically, it's just the Domestic Gambling Tour, since I don't see us making it to Canada or Aruba. This Saturday afternoon I'll be playing poker in Foxwoods, CT, and the weekend of September 6th I'll be in Atlantic City, NJ. Swing by, say hello, sit down, check-raise me. There will also be a stop in Vegas TBD, but probably an ex post facto event after the wedding during the winter.

The plane has not crashed into the mountain

2008-08-20T04:12:00.001-07:00

Do not be alarmed. I am just playing around with the layout a bit.

Here's a handy tip for you: It's not cool to say the word "fag" unless you're one of the gays. So instead, I say, "fancy lad" as in, "Don't be such a fancy lad, you fuckin' fancy lad!"

Is our blog dead?

2008-08-19T02:15:00.000-07:00

Or is it just passed out?

I place my ear over its mouth to listen for breathing.

I just hope I don't have to perform mouth-to-mouth.