Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Who needs prozac, when you have hardcore pornography?

Whoa... Wait a second there chum. If you don't mind me saying, you look a little down. Feeling stressed at work? Maybe your wife left you, or perhaps you recently lost a loved one and/or one of your legs?

I've got something that will turn that frown upside down: Hardcore Pornography!

Take a look at me; A close look.

At first glance, I might appear to be just like any other alpha male: devilishly handsome, sexually potent, gallivanting around the world while on the run from the American tyrants. You might look at me and say, "Jiggs Casey has it all."

But people are more complex than they first seem. Take me for example. While I might have the natural charm of a gigolo in addition to my other aforementioned gifts, things don't always come so easy. Sometimes even Jiggs Casey fails to catch his sexual prey. More often than not, I go out to find some beautiful Maria and come home with some (admittedly beautiful) transvestite Lorenzo.

Such failures get me down. However, I refuse to wallow in my failure. Instead I do something vastly more healthy. I spend countless hours staring at hardcore pornography.

Hardcore pornography--from the dirty sanchez to the hungry goat--is a healing salve to slather on whenever life wounds you. Hardcore pornography--from the sweater meat to the hot beef injections--makes life livable even when you start calling your right hand "Carla". Hardcore pornography--from the hot lunches to the golden showers--also improves your knowledge of anatomy.

So what if I came home last night with a transvestite named Lorenzo? And so what if my penis is a different color today than it was yesterday? And so what if I can't have a fulfilling relationship with anything but small appliances?

That doesn't mean that my life has to be cold, empty and meaningless because I'll always have hardcore pornography.