Monday, July 14, 2008

Suggestions for the Next Summer Olympic Games

We started this campaign in 2004 after Athens, but as Beijing approaches, it's time to kick the campaign into high gear!

Yes, it's a celebration of the competitive spirit. It's a cavalcade of the best athletes in the world. It's a game of "That's a sport?" combined with a game of "That's a country?" It's an education in time zones. It's hating on former Communist nations just for the old times' sake. It's a race so long you lose track of how much farther they have to go. It's the Olympics, the world's second most popular quadrennial sporting event.

Like all other grown men this past Olympics, I was obsessed with women's beach volleyball. Everyone talks about the bikini uniforms, but the unsung hero of the games was the service cam. This was the low-angle shot for each serve that allowed the viewer a clear shot of the player's teammate, opponents, and booty. The ready position gave a whole new meaning to "hunkering down" and "licking your TV screen." Sure enough, close-up images of well-toned asses in tight bikini bottoms swaying, ever so gently, were a ratings boon. Well, the Think Tank took over.

  • In diving events, the rinse-off after each dive shall henceforth be filmed in slow motion. Fun for all preferences.
  • The minimum age for gymnastics, like smoking, shall be 18. Guys used to be interested in gymnastics, well, gymnasts.
  • Two words: topless kayaking.

There are other minor changes that clearly need to be made to the respected, but aging, franchise. New events like beach volleyball increase the all-important ogling aspects of the games, but new events are not enough. We must combine the stuffy old events, like pommel horse and the equestrian events. Pole vault and javelin throw. Judo and badminton. Shot put and volleyball. Decathlon and Pentathlon merge to form the new Fifteenathlon. We need a new vision. The targets for the air rifle competition should be the other air rifle competitors.

One of the reasons that interest has tapered off is that not that much is at stake. A little hardware, maybe a commercial or two, used to be something worth fighting for. But in today's reality TV world of people eating live rats and setting themselves on fire the Olympics just aren't dramatic. In medieval times, at least according to that restaurant I went to last week, political disputes were often settled by sporting events. Why not bring it back? United Kingdom plays Argentina in soccer, winner gets the Falkland Islands. South Korea plays North Korea in table tennis: if the South wins, the North disarms and reunites; if the North wins, they get 10,000 ham sandwiches. United States plays Russia in team handball for world domination.

Sex, sports, and political intrigue: that's good television. Add in some formulaic comedic writing about a flamboyantly gay character and you've got an Emmy. In the meantime the Think Tank will return to our petition drive to make topless kayaking a demonstration sport at Beijing.


Spinning Girl said...

I hope they make an event called Eating a Bowl of Honey-Nut Cheerios With Half & Half Because I am Out of Milk, because then I could participate.

jamwall said...

The Olympics is the worst soft porn I've ever seen.