Friday, July 04, 2008

Happy Birthday America!

Swim trunks: Granted, this is usually called a wash since we also invented morbid obesity, but the use of swim trunks for obscuring the Beach-Going Old Man is just as valuable as obscuring the Beach-Going Fat Man.

The Electoral College: It may seem silly on paper and in practice, but we found a way to make states like Iowa and New Hampshire important and states like California and Texas completely irrelevant. That alone should count for something.

The Grand Canyon: Okay, maybe we didn't make it or discover it, but it's ours now, buddy.

The ice cream cone: And 31 flavors to go with it, baby.

Silicone breast implants: We're not talking about the comically oversized porn star versions here. Done subtly, these can turn a girl with low self-esteem into a much hotter girl with low self-esteem.

Internet startups: Stock market corrections aside, only America could create billions of dollars of corporate wealth based on college dropouts playing foosball.

Jazz and blues: Plus we can lay claim to about 55% of rock and roll.

Teeth-whitening systems: The promise of modern science has allowed even our working poor who can't afford health care with dental can get whiter teeth in under a month.

Deodorant: Just try dealing with some crazy mutant Euro B.O. and you'll realize how significant this one is. With a trivial investment of time and effort, all women can smell like baby powder and all men can smell like their choice of blue deodorant or green deodorant.

Laser-guided munitions: Sure, other countries may have these too, but we put cameras in the front of ours. War photography has been many things through the years, from gruesome to inspiring. But only now has it become really cool.

Crank call shows: Hey, they're pretty funny.

Soft power: America has established an empire spanning the globe based not on military might, but on Coca-Cola, Big Macs, and Mickey Mouse. On second thought, maybe we should've used tanks.


Tits McGee said...

I've never felt so patriotic.

Ɯbermilf said...

Also, we put boots in people's asses.

Spinning Girl said...

Crank Yankers!!!