Friday, February 08, 2008

Mitt Romney waves goodbye

Hiya, Mitt. We hear you're suspending your campaign so you can spend money with your family instead of using it to travel to IHOPs in small towns across the nation.

Your strategy was flawless: Deny your moderate Republican past and fine tune your message for the conservatives rather than the independents. As long as you never acknowledged the political positions you held for the previous decade or two, and no one ever found out about them via YouTube, the Inter-Net, or reading a goddamned newspaper, you were golden. I guess you just didn't tack hard enough to the right, so you lost the nomination to a candidate with better hardline conservative credentials.

Wait, John McCain is winning? But isn't he a moderate Republican with independent appeal? Son of a bitch...


Sorry, Mitt fans. As a Democrat, let me tell you, wealthy patrician flip-flopping douchebags from Massachusetts are awesome in the general election. Guaranteed victory.

5 comments:

B.E. Earl said...

Romney always looked more like an actor playing a politician than an actual politician.

And just how the hell did Massachusetts elect a conservative Mormon as Governor?

slappy said...

Because Mitt didn't become a conservative until thirty seconds after he decided to run for president. Some are speculating he may run for the Senate from MA; if so, he will become a moderate thirty seconds after that decision.

MA and CA like moderate Republican governors to act as a check on the Democratic legislature.

Carl Spackler said...

what is it with Massachusetts politicians constantly flip flopping on issues?!?! i mean didn't Mitt learn a lesson after seeing what happened to the biggest flip flopper in history- John Kerry?

ps- i want to know what love is. will anyone at jiggscasey show me?!?!?

jamwall said...

Excuse me while I flagrantly try to evoke Ronald Reagan with my smile and my dark Brill creamed hair!

slappy said...

Carl: Jiggs already showed you what love is. Love is a mullet. And boy howdy did he show it.

Jammer: I bet he's been calling his wife Mommy.