Monday, February 04, 2008

History Corner

The Super Bowl came and went, but I didn't feel like watching. I don't particularly like either team, so I took the car down to the station to fill up the tires, made some fudge from a kit I got for Christmas, and watched Arrested Development on dvd instead. Oh, and I gnawed solidified fudge from the stirring spoon before throwing it in the dishwasher.

So no sports commentary. Instead, history time. In 1778, James Cook discovered the Hawaiian Islands. Actually, it appears he got there third. The Polynesians got there first, obviously. Second place probably goes to the Spanish because the Hawaiians knew enough about Europeans to trade for iron with Cook. They exchanged food and water and stuff for iron nails, which they turned into tools and weapons. Eventually Kamehameha on the big island of Hawaii made a deal for some guns and conquered the rest of the island chain.

Why did they need to trade for weapons? One of the main inventions they had was the shark tooth club.
An engineer would describe this thing as "designed to maximize badassery at the expense of practicality." On a scale from 1 to Badass, it ranks approximately Goddamned Badass. In a battle situation you aren't going to kill a lot of people with a wooden club covered in sharks' teeth, but you will mess one or two people up something serious.

It comes down to a question of scale, quality versus quantity. For an army, you want some guns, maybe some iron spears. But if you're in a bar fight and you can mix it up with either Bubba holding a revolver or Kimo brandishing a shark tooth club, I'd recommend you take a run at Bubba.

9 comments:

B.E. Earl said...

If Samuel L. Jackson had a shark-tooth club it would have "Bad Mother Fucker" etched on it somewhere.

I'm just sayin'

Übermilf said...

You need a KIT to make fudge?

Amateur.

Ookami Snow said...

Yeah, I'll go with Bubba in the bar fight.

However in a rumble I'll take the gun.

Carl Spackler said...

today is my birthday.

yay for me!

amera hearts said...

i agree with b.e. earl and ubermilf.

happy birthday carl.

and this post made my heart feel full.

slappy said...

Earl: Probably in relief on the paddle, that way after he cut you up he could slap it on your face and you'd be able to read it in the mirror.

Ubie: I am an amateur. I don't even have a muffin-breasted apron.

Ook: It's all about the fear when you're fighting hand-to-hand.

Carl: Happy birthday. Did you see your shadow today? Do we get more winter? Wait, I'm confused.

Amera: Yeah. Our main mission is to fill hearts.

Übermilf said...

They're CUPCAKES!

slappy said...

Oh, my bad. Cupcake-breasted apron. To be more general, I own no aprons with anything on the breasts.

Tits McGee said...

I want one.