Thursday, January 10, 2008

An open letter to St. Matthew's Church

I recently received your bulk mail advertising a prayer rug, and though your mailer shows much promise, I can't help but feel you could use some tips on your technique.

You definitely start off strong, with a letter of introduction that features a lot of crowded text, boldface passages, colored underlining. That I like. Especially how the first evidence you cite on the prayer rug's effectiveness is a woman who received $46,000, presumably tax-free as money from god is exempt from state and federal withholding.

Further reading shows it was actually $46,888.20. Details are good. Other lucky faithful were blessed with a "big 6 room house," "17 acres of land," and "a new car." I think it's important for religious mailings to sound as close to an episode of Price is Right as possible.

But just as you build your momentum, it is wasted. As your reader, I'm hooked. Get free money by using the prayer rug. I'm ready to buy. I know you are likely new to religious hucksterism, but that was the point in the mailer where you should have asked for a small donation in exchange for a genuine prayer rug.

Instead I unfold what I assume is a picture of the prayer rug, and find that it is the prayer rug. I always thought magical money-making rugs should be hand woven by monks, or at least by children in sweatshops. Magical money-making rugs should not be halftone print jobs on 16"x11" paper, folded six ways to fit in an envelope. I'm supposed to kneel on the thing; I'm not sure I can fit.

On top of that you asked me to send the rug back to you when I was done praying for cash so you could send it to another worthy Christian who maintains the moral requirements of having a US postal address. That seems a bit dodgy, almost like a chain letter - and we all know those are just a bunch of scams. Besides, I don't think you can steam clean a used paper prayer rug, and that sounds rather unhygienic. Maybe your business model works, but there's got to be a better way to get prayer rugs in the hands of people who need quick cash from god.

I hope this finds you well, naked, and rolling around on a pile of parishioners' money. But please heed my advice just the same, and while you're at it pray for me to win eight grand on a scratcher ticket. You know, for some walking around money.


TastyMcJ said...

you should make a prayer rug with your face on it, and mail that back to them.

Spinning Girl said...

I could make a dress out of it, maybe.

slappy said...

Tasty: Perhaps that can be one of the business units in Jiggsinetics - the marketing of relics. I think Jiggs would look good on black velvet.

Spinner: With my face or Jesus's? And where would the face go? I'm starting to like this idea.