He got shampoo in her eyes...

A gal pal was telling me about a rude boy that she was with that got some of his rude boy stuff in her eye. Apparently, it stings your eyes like shampoo.

I told her that she needed to stop using Pantene Pro Spooge.

Considering this odd connection between shampoo and spunk, it seems only fitting that there's a shampoo company called, "Johnson and Johnson". Talk about a double-team!

A salute to capitalism

First, new poll on the left sidebar joining the rhyming euphemism poll. How do you feel about JK Rowling outing Dumbledore?

My commute now takes me through the sleepy community of Arlington, MA. Nothing very interesting here at all, except for the Monroe Salt Works.


Yup, you read that right. They sell Hoo-has. Which I'm sure is a equivalent to bric-a-brac or doo-dad, and not in any way a slang term for the lady parts of a lady. At first I thought that Arlington had one of those rare pottery/houseware/whore shops, but I was stopped at a red light and didn't see a string of MIT undergrads streaming into the place. Instead, it might be more like a Sears Auto Center, but instead of tires you can get your hoo-ha rotated, or perhaps you can shop for a new hoo-ha.

So ladies, next time you're in Arlington, swing by the Monroe Salt Works and ask to see the 2008 models.

More bonards

If you really start looking for bonards, you're bound to find them. And unsurprisingly, many of the bonards are European.

In our never-ending bonards quest, we found them in a rather unfortunate place: a bottle of wine. It's hard to read the label, but it says that the wine is 80% bonarda, which obviously is Italian for bonards. Now I don't know about you, but even 1% bonards is too many bonards for my wine.

Also, for those of you wanting another episode of the 1919s, they are in the pipeline. One will be arriving soon.

It's just a theory

My arm hurts. I got a flu shot at work on Thursday. It's kind of weird since it didn't hurt when the nurse stuck me. She was like a ninja, she gave the shot like she was throwing a dart. But a couple days later my shoulder is sore.

It must be the tracking chip that the federal government puts in the flu vaccine. See, they generated all sorts of paranoia about thimerosol in vaccines, but that was so that no one would notice they were adding RFID nanodevices. I'm concerned about the purpose of the conspiracy, but I don't want to get the flu either. The flu totally sucks.

Random thoughts

We had our annual company meeting yesterday. The highlight was a cake that read "Happy Birthday Everyone." Now that's an engineering solution to an engineering problem.

I was listening to Funky Cold Medina on the radio and was struck by how much cowbell there is in the song. Probably more than Don't Fear the Reaper. It made me wonder why it wasn't chosen for the More Cowbell sketch, but something told me that SNL can more easily pull off Blue Oyster Cult than Tone Loc.

I googled the phrase "funky cold medina lyrics" and the first site was weddingvendors.com which titled the song "funkey cold medina lyrics." That sound you hear is Tone Loc raspily sobbing.

My campaign is in tatters

I lost the Chuck Norris endorsement. He's backing Mike Huckabee. Yeah, more like Mike Suckabee! Burn.

I didn't mean that. I actually like Huckabee; he's a rare modern politician who governs based on his beliefs instead of douchebaggery. I don't agree with his policies, but I'd be content to try four years of compassionate conservatism after eight of douchebag conservatism. I didn't mean to viciously lash out like that, I'm just a little shell-shocked that I lost the endorsement.

I thought I had done everything right. I worked out on the Total Gym, I reviewed two of his movies, I practiced my roundhouse kicks every day after work. Clearly it wasn't enough. There is only one explanation: Mike Huckabee lost 110 pounds not merely as a health precaution, but as a course of his training in the deadly arts. Only matching Chuck Norris and surviving (I imagine they fought to a gentleman's draw) could cinch the endorsement. We'll know for sure if we see Huckabee crush Giuliani's head in the next debate. Please dear god make that happen.

Maybe I need to focus my energy on helping Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul win the primaries so that we can have the general election be the first ever Battle of the Short, Crazy Dudes.

A brand new euphemism...

I came up with a new euphemism for a gynecologist. In the future, instead of "gynecologist", try using the phrase, "vaginal moses". It makes total sense when you consider the fact that Moses parted the Red Sea. Now don't make me spell out the "red" part of this analogy.

Additionally, "vaginal Moses" makes me want to parody "personal Jesus" by Depeche Mode.

And don't forget the new poll there in the left sidebar. It's about activities you can do that rhyme with a euphemism for having your penis out.

What New England does right

Cider donuts. At least the ones at Cider Hill Farms in Amesbury. We go apple picking an hour away from Boston, damn near in New Hampshire, just because the donuts are that good. I bit into a donut that had just come out of the fryer and I saw Jesus. At first I didn't recognize Jesus because She was a short black woman, but She said she was Jesus and that cleared everything up.

I'm not sure what it is about the donut, I think it's just filled with so much fat and sugar that my lizard hindbrain is happy that I am taking in maximum calories.

I just wonder why they aren't everywhere. It can't be a difficult recipe. Apples, cinnamon sugar, flour, and lard. Give me a national distribution network and I could put Krispy Kreme and Dunkin Donuts out of business in a month.

This is Tasty!

Upon reading comments on Friday's post I was astonished to find out that some of you don't know who Tasty is! That's madness to the point of space madness!

His full name is "TastyMcJ", but most often we shorten that because the ladies consider him to be extremely pleasing to the tongue. Tasty is the better half on most of the 1919s videos. In particular, he's the half that is not me. And though he doesn't post here that often, he's a raconteur of the highest order.

So now you all can die happy.

In case you're still wondering who Tasty is, he's the one unfairly praising the Dutch in the Lego Fun Snacks episode.

Reflections

Every year a Cal fan must ask himself, how will we lose this year? Will it be a frustration year where our defense is great but offense anemic, and we have to watch misfire after misfire and lose 7-3? Or a horror season of great offense but no defense, where every game has a slow motion unstoppable winning drive by the opposition? Or just a piss poor season where we're hoping to get a slot in the Emerald Nuts Bowl? This year we have the Stomp On Your Fricking Heart team where they drive for the win at the end of every game and make a terrible mistake most of the time.

In happier news, I saw Darjeeling Limited and it was everything I wanted it to be. Jason Schwartzman, Adrian Brody, and Owen Wilson form Hollywood's All Nose Team.


Other than that, it's Wes Anderson in India. Lots of great little details, very oddly funny set pieces, slow motion sequences, and Bill Murray appears for no real reason. I would rank it in the Rushmore level, just below Royal Tenenbaums, but above the acquired taste level of Life Aquatic.

Two kinds of engineers...

Type 1 looks at a problem and thinks about it for a day or two. Then he/she sits down at the computer and asks "What is the most elegant solution to the problem?" After more insight and refinement, the engineer builds the widget, tests it, and then grabs a victory beer.

Type 2, of which I am a charter member, looks at a problem and says "It's 3:15. What can I get done by 3:45? I need it to be effective, efficient, and the ugliest thing in all creation." That was the inspiration behind this thing I built a couple days ago. It takes pulses from a computer and turns it into a signal that switches a microwave plasma on and off. When I was done with the circuit board, I realized I didn't have a box for it - but I did have the cardboard box it shipped in. All I had to do was poke holes in the sides with a screwdriver and pull the wires through.

As an additional benefit, it looks like a cheap bomb.

I only wish my project was sponsored by the Department of Homeland Security.

Tasty is coming back today!

Tasty was out of town this past week. It has been weird here in the jiggscasey.com household without his amusing commentary. For example, every time an ad for ER comes on the TV, Tasty says, "ER is still on the air?" It's funny because it's true.

Tasty says he was out of town on business. This is only true if "on business" is a euphemism for snorting Colombian Blue Flake off of a Dutch hooker's ass. And in case you're wondering, "Colombian Blue Flake" is nothing like Frosted Flakes. Unless "Frosted Flakes" is a euphemism for crack.

But let's not dwell on Tasty's addiction to cocaine. Let's focus on the positive. Tasty is coming back today!

The Crisis of American Leadership: The North Korean Solution

There is a sentiment in American politics nowadays that before Watergate, before scandals, before betrayals, there was a simpler time when we could trust our leaders. And if history has taught us anything, it is taught us that is complete and total crap. Americans have never trusted their politicians, and with good reason: our politicians are usually lying, cheating bags of shit. The crisis of American leadership is that there never has been leadership.

What is needed is a radical departure from the philosophy of the American political system. Not in the organization of the government, but how we look at it. Consider North Korea. Kim Il Sung led the wacky reds above the 38th parallel for near fifty years until his death in 1994. The country was expecting to starve to death as a whole long before Kim Il Sung died, so this development came as a bit of a shock. Left with his son Kim Jong Il as the heir to the throne, the country faced a crisis. Of leadership. Kim Jong Il was a movie buff, a fun loving fellow that didn't quite fit the serious, brinkmanship mentality of the state. So the North Koreans came up with the perfect solution: elect Kim Il Sung the president for all eternity, four years after his death.

There are advantages and disadvantages to electing a corpse as your eternal president. The corpse could never be implicated in a scandal, and would never betray the American people's trust. An eternal president would keep America based firmly in our traditions and rich heritage, comforting us in times of change with one constant force. Granted, the dead often lack insight in times of trouble, cannot be counted on for visionary legislation, and would require costly refrigeration. An acting president could be used, much like the "dear leader" Kim Jong Il in North Korea. This person would be elected by Electoral College, or even popular vote. I would urge a more neutral term like acting president since the American electoral system generally results in almost half of the country despising the "dear leader." With a little nod to the hermit kingdom, we could have a president that is free to govern and a head of state that will never let us down. The experiment to have both of these roles fulfilled by one official has failed.

So the question we are now left with is where to find this eternal president. The obvious solution is to continue in the footsteps of North Korea and choose one of our great former leaders. Let's go to Mount Rushmore. Operating left to right, George Washington: a man whose claim to fame was crossing a river to slaughter drunken Germans on Christmas night; Thomas Jefferson: our first sex scandal president; Theodore Roosevelt: a man who wrote the Roosevelt Corollary to the Monroe Doctrine to the effect that since Europe wasn't allowed to subjugate Latin America then the United States would have to; and Abraham Lincoln: a tyrant who waged a devastating war of conquest against the states who exercised their right to secede from the Union.

It was not just the great presidents that had their dark sides; all of them had problems. Ulysses S. Grant was a drunk. John F. Kennedy slept around. Harry S Truman swore like a sailor. James Madison stood all of 5 foot 4. James Buchanan killed 57 people and buried them underneath his home. [ed note: James Buchanan did not kill 57 people and bury them underneath his home. That was Pat Buchanan.]

In short, we could never find our eternal president in Washington, D.C. We drained a swamp for the future site of our federal government because we knew even then we'd despise everyone we put there. If not D.C., then where? Where do we have dead people still beloved in the public eye, untarnished from the muck, grime, and slander? Hollywood.

Americans love actors. They fulfill our every ideal of leadership: integrity, charm, wit, and the ability to leap from exploding buildings without a scratch. And we can rely on that perfect image barring an E! Network True Hollywood Stories episode.

We had the right idea when we elected Reagan, we were just too early. If we had waited until he passed away, then we would have had all of the warm, fuzzy feelings of watching him smile, talk and nod off without all of the Iran-Contra, arms race irresponsibility, and deficit spending unpleasantness.

Turning to Hollywood for America's eternal president is not that easy, though. Many of the icons suitable for deification just don't carry the right message. John Wayne was too tough, Jimmy Stewart too nice, Steve McQueen too cool, Claude Rains too French. Katherine Hepburn would make an excellent choice. She had a legendary strength, bright, funny, and a certain attractive aristocracy about her. However, I don't think America is ready for a female eternal president yet. She should definitely be considered for eternal secretary of state, and be placed on the short list should we choose an eternal president at a later date.

It's hard to think of a candidate for eternal president more qualified than Cary Grant. You have to respect a man who said, "Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant." He had good cheekbones, this was a man you want to see on newsreels and posters. I mean, I might be okay with a 1984 lifestyle if Big Brother looked like Cary Grant. He had an easy going charm, like Ronald Reagan if Reagan could act. True, he lacked Reagan's deft political instinct and ability to reduce any situation to a simple, easy to understand conflict between good and evil, but Grant was able to traverse Mount Rushmore while being shot at. Cary Grant also had a voice that would make weekly radio addresses a pleasure, but he was born in England, so he's out.

This brings us to Humphrey Bogart. There is no perfect choice for eternal presidency, but Bogey might be as close as we will ever come- tough, slick, funny, and looked good in a fedora. Detractors will say that Bogart was too morally ambiguous in life to lead the country in death. Many others will argue that he was far too ugly, with deep bags under his eyes and a five o'clock shadow to rival Nixon. Well, to the latter charge it must be pointed out that a man cannot be ugly if he gets Lauren Bacall, by definition. As for the moral ambiguity, keep in mind that Bogart had to fight the Nazis and/or Peter Lorre on multiple occasions. It is to be expected that he will say things like, "When you're slapped you'll take it and like it," before beating the crap out of Lorre. Bogart lived in an amoral underworld, working among the criminals, thugs and scum. If that isn't the perfect politician, then piss off, because he is the best we can do.

Humphrey Bogart for Eternal President
and may God have mercy on our souls

I enjoy makeover shows

Don't get me wrong. I am a red-blooded American male that likes sex with women as much as the next guy. I like action movies, watching sports, and peeing while standing. I fart and belch loudly, chew with my mouth open and am apathetic about my partner's sexual satisfaction just like every other real man.

In short, I'm a man's man and a guy's guy. I'm as masculine as they come.

I also like makeover shows, even if that makes me a little light in the proverbial loafers. It's quite satisfying to see someone that was once uncomfortable with their appearance gain a new sense of confidence with a change in wardrobe and a new haircut. In the jiggscasey.com household, we watch the reality show Beauty and the Geek and they had their makeover show last night. Even dudes that I thought would always look out of place looked much better with attractive clothes that fit them and better haircuts.

Now you might say that makeover shows promote shallow ideals of beauty over substance, and that's true, but at the same time, wouldn't life be nicer if everyone was a little prettier?

T shirts preferred by young unemployed men

Whenever I see a t shirt that has a list of reasons why a beer is better than a woman, I expect to find "If you hit a beer, you don't spend the night at county" somewhere on the list. I never do.

Today's Dumb Joke

Q: What do you call an accountant that always gets in your way when you're trying to score with the ladies?

A: H&R CockBlock! Booyah!

So I'm on this really weird coconut kick right now. All I want to eat is almond joys and Hostess snowballs, and I am making these midnight emergency coconut runs to the convenience store.

I think my coconut urges are a byproduct of my repressed desire to run away to a deserted island where I have no responsibilities. I could spend all day running around naked on the beach and applying sunscreen to my junk.

Sunday flashback movie time

The weekly review is Jean Claude Van Damme in Bloodsport. Here's a old survival guide I wrote for movie characters. Enjoy. I'll be praying for the Cal QB to get healthy.

After spending many years on JiggsCasey.com as a reviewer of movies, film, and cinema, I find I have acquired some knowledge I can - nay, I must - pass on to the future generations. Whether it's an action, sci-fi, horror, or martial arts movie, I've noticed many of these young actors have the life expectancy of a mayfly. So I have compiled this short guide for men and women who want their big breaks to last longer than the opening credits.

Step 1: Identify your risk

Some characters are at an inherently higher risk of premature exit.

Low Risk	High Risk
The hero	The hero's best friend
White people	Women who sleep with the hero in the absence of any long-term commitment
The cook	The wisecracking army specialist
One man who has been pushed too far	People with speech impediments

There are some misconceptions about which characters are at risk. The villain's lieutenant is not high risk, for although (s)he will surely die in the penultimate conflict between good and evil, at least (s)he makes it to within 10 minutes of the ending credits. Missing out on the sequel is a small price to pay. The hero's best friend is sometimes considered a good role, since you get a lot of good face time with the star, but it is all too easy for a hack writer to kill you off in the first fight so the hero can punch the ground in tortured rage while screaming your name into an overhead crane shot.

Your risk level dictates your conduct. If you are at low risk for early death, then these guidelines may be followed in a casual manner. If, on the other hand, you are a black, stuttering, wisecracking munitions expert who has a one night stand with your best friend, the hero of the picture, then you had better follow each of these rules to the letter. Just because you are an easy target for the writers doesn't mean you have to just walk into it.

Step 2: Don't poke things with a stick

I cannot stress this enough. Poking things with a stick is the number one cause of death in science fiction movies. When something has fallen to the earth in a streak of fire, leaving a smoldering object in the bottom of a fresh crater, the natural instinct is to walk up to it and poke it with a stick. Trust me, I know. But being poked with a stick is a universal signal to extraterrestrial life forms to go on a rampage of mass destruction.

Poking the monster with a stick after you're pretty sure you've killed it and want to make sure is also a bad idea. You have usually underestimated the resiliency of the evil creature, which leaves you facing a newly invigorated monster with only a stick to ward it off. I would recommend checking if a monster is still alive from some distance with a gun or, better yet, a flamethrower.

Step 3: Don't enter a dangerous situation without some character development first

This is also known as the Ensign Bobby Effect, from the Star Trek series. Be wary of a commanding officer who suggests you look behind a rock outcropping if your full name is unknown. This can be used to your advantage, however, by securing a little character development early in the film. Writers are lazy people and will not waste a page of exposition just to feed the Frothing Beast of Klarnog. Similarly, in a war movie, make sure you have a chance to tell the audience a little bit about yourself. Nothing fancy, your hometown, a significant other waiting for you (but make sure it wouldn't make it too tragic if you didn't come home). If you can get just a brief flashback, you are set. Think of yourself as a newborn calf on the farm. If you can get Suzie to name you, no worries. If not, you're veal.

Step 4: Be kind to small animals, children, women, and the elderly

There was once a day when you could designate a minor character for early exit by making him/her a different color or creed than everybody else. Now that there are multiple colors and creeds watching movies, a writer has to be concerned about offending people. The solution is to make the differently-colored or creeded individual a complete and utter slimeball.

In an age when it is very difficult to make a character unsavory enough to kill off early without offending anyone, don't give the writers a free one. There is no Anti-Defamation League for abusers.

So please don't kick the puppy.

Step 5: Don't walk backwards

I can't believe I even have to make a point of this. Honestly. Why do you insist on walking backwards in horror movies? Yes, the first time you do it, it's fine because you back into the hero, or your equally stupid buddy. But if you keep doing it, you're going to turn around and it'll be a cut to the axe-wielding maniac, the screen will flash black, and then a cut to the hero saying, "Jenny? Where did you go?"

What the hell were you thinking?

And while we're at it, Step 6: Wear sensible shoes. Ladies, if there is the slightest chance of you being pursued by a psychopath, you need shoes you can run in. If you insist on wearing heels, you can at least wear the shoes from that commercial with the women playing basketball in pumps. They seemed rather mobile.

Step 7: Don't go back in for anything

It is very common in action movies for a character to emerge from a fortress, jungle, or system of underground tunnels, only to realize that something was missing. Often this is as insignficant as important files, or money. Never go back for it. It was taught to you as a child during fire drills, it is no less true today. It doesn't matter if little Timmy has been left behind. By the time you realize little Timmy is gone, little Timmy is probably already decomposing, or being used as bait in an elaborate snare trap. Forget about little Timmy and get the hell out of there. You don't want that little bastard hogging screen time later on talking about how great your character was, and what a shame it was when you got hideously murdered during his rescue.

Conclusion

I hope that you, the young people of America, can benefit from my experience, and that none of your mothers will have to tell their friends, "Yes, my child was in that movie. You know, the one that got decapitated fourteen seconds after the opening credits."

College Football Roundup

#1 LSU falls on the road to resurgent Kentucky. #2 Cal falls when redshirt freshman backup QB makes freshman mistake with 12 seconds left. I didn't feel good about that game from the start. Booty, don't make reservations for New Year's in LA yet.

Good news: Cal still controls their destiny for the Rose Bowl. Also, we can now start rooting for an Ohio State upset and the title game of the century: BC versus South Florida. The ratings for that game will be somewhere in the low teens. Did I say ratings? I meant total viewership.

A quick thought or two

In England, "pissed" means drunk. In America, "pissed" means angry. Does that mean that the English who colonized America were, by and large, mean drunks?

Does this explain Boston and Philly?

And for clarification, Al Gore won the Nobel Prize for Documentaries, not the Peace Prize. What? He did win the Peace Prize?

Well, that just makes no sense.

What the world needs now, is guns sweet guns...

Thousands of deaths each year are caused by guns in the United States. While many see this as a tragic loss of life and a sign that our society is becoming ever more violent, I see it as progress. What kind of country would we be if our citizenry didn't use the most efficient tools at its disposal to do its murdering? There is so much murdering to be done, and so little time to do it. Without guns, it would be damn near impossible to achieve all of that murder.

Those poor countries with stricter gun laws than we have in the United States can't even compete with our murder of scale. For instance, some pathetic loser in Germany would have to resort to running his victim over with his automobile if he wanted to murder as efficiently as someone with a gun. And who would want to risk a new paint job? On a Mercedes, it most certainly wouldn't be worth it.

The dumb sap in Germany would then be reduced to using a sabre or nunchuks or some other prehistoric murdering implement. Who wants to fence someone in order to kill them? And have you ever tried to use nunchuks? You're as likely to injure yourself as you are the person you're trying to murder. Plain and simple, that just isn't good murdering.

Many people in the United States lament the loss of the old days when murder was a personal affair. You really got to know your victim when you murdered with garotte wire, and you could add that personal touch.

Well I hate to break it those people, but we just can't hold the majority of murderers back for a few Luddites worried about the quality of murder. We live in an age of progress and efficiency, and all those mom and pop murderers out there should just fade away if they can't compete. The people deserve Wal Mart style murdering - cheap, efficient, and in bulk. We can't just stop time because a few people lose their jobs as murderers. That's just not, nor should it be, the American Way.

And in this day of venereal disease, who wants to risk getting covered in the victim's blood? You don't know where the victim has been. If they've been to Britain, they might have Mad Cow Disease. Play it safe when you're murdering. Use a gun!

I love America...

It's just I think I'd love it more if there were about 40% less. I don't mean selling off or consolidating states (I'm looking at you, Dakotas), I mean that sometimes our cultural bounty is excessive to the point of our own spiritual detriment. Cultural bounty of course defined by television.

It's like 24 hour news channels. We've got 2.5 channels (I'm looking at you, MSNBC) that have to fill 24 hours of airtime despite the fact that even on the busiest days of history there has only been about 2 or 3 hours of news. The rest is repetition, men in bow ties yelling at each other, and the abductions of attractive young women. The only thing worse is that morning shows have expanded to four soul-crushing hours. No human can be chipper for four hours without chemical enhancement.

Other things are just useless. I can get a 15 day weather forecast, even though any predictions made after Day 5 might as well have been made by a drunk monkey. Do we need 15 seasons of Survivor? Do we need to see Mark Cuban dancing with stars? Do we need Fox and Friends? Do we need I Love New York 2, a sequel to a spinoff of a spinoff (Flavor of Love) of a VH1 reality series (Surreal Life)? The answers are no, no, no, and yes.

I'm not saying we need to consolidate TV channels down to a more manageable number like 4 or 5, but we could at the very least dedicate one channel to letting Conan O'Brien, Andy Richter, Tina Fey and Dave Chappelle just fuck around for 24 hours. Or however long the funny lasts; the rest of the time can be the Indian head test pattern.

Women's beauty products scare me

I was wasting time in the local Long's Drugs, picking up some toothpaste, some high life and a few pieces of patio furniture, when out of the corner of my eye I saw something that frightened me so much that I almost had to change my pants.

It appeared to be a woman covered in blood with creepy plants growing out of her eyes. I wouldn't be surprised to see that image in a slasher flick, and here I saw it above a bunch of cheap, imported women's beauty products. Given that they were trying to sell these cheap, imported beauty products, the imagery must not have been intended to frighten, but rather persuade the consumer to purchase said cheap, imported beauty products.

Upon further inspection, it became apparent that the creepy blood-covered woman was only the beginning:

The other tortures that these products advocate range from covering the face with blood and having creepy plants grow out of them to splashing gobs of frothy white semen into the eyes. It was truly the definition of horrific.

However a little further down on the display, one of these cheap, imported beauty products contained the secret to overcoming the aches and pains associated with being covered in blood and having creepy plants growing out of your eyes. The product was a bath water additive that soothed the skin and relaxed the psyche. Although if you check where the bathing woman's right hand appears to be at, the secret to relieving aches and pains has much more to do with masturbation than the pleasant odor of bath salts. Finally, some truth in advertising.

Belated Indigenous People's Day

Yesterday was Columbus Day, or as it is known within the city limits of Berkeley, Indigenous People's Day. See, the city council decided to rename the holiday because - let's face it - Columbus was one of the more useless explorers. They decided to honor "Indigenous People" because it was the most goddamned pretentious way to do it. Someone probably suggested Native American but someone thought that it made too many normative judgments.

Hey, these are the people that made a proclamation defending Tinky Winky's sexual orientation, whatever the Teletubbies' sexual orientation was. And they declared the city limits to be a nuclear free zone even though they host a national lab that does nuclear research as part of their damned mission. I haven't been paying attention to recent work by the city council, but I'm sure they've been busy trying to end the war or free Mumia.

On the bright side, a judge ruled against the protesters who have been living in trees to keep Cal from cutting down some trees (and planting 3X new ones elsewhere on campus) to build a new athletic training facility. They will have to leave the trees and go back to playing hackey sack in People's Park. But probably not before being arrested and beaten. I hope.

Which one of these things is not like the other?

Look at all the awesome channels that you can tune into on meevee.com! I hear Larry Craig's show is getting great ratings, especially from tele-evangelists and meth tweakers.

Seriously, this was a real image on that site. If you click on the Larry Craig pic it will tell you about an episode of Mash which is awesome.

Weekend roundup

I've been on blog silence for a while as I've been all-consumed by a battle of wits with ancient electronics at work. Needless to say, I've had my ass handed to me but I hold out hope for a gentleman's draw next week. A big box that makes a little plasma has been mocking me. This is what it looks like:

It's only about 4 blinking red lights from being a prop in a 1950s scifi movie. But I found out that it only dates back to 1983, so at least I'm older than it. When you open it up it looks like this:


Those big grey boxes are capacitors. Capacitors hold an electrical charge and are usually the size of a fingernail. I'm no expert, but by my estimation those are "slappy-killing" sized capacitors. I may institute the old electrical safety rule from grad school- someone stands nearby with a wooden broom handle. If I get shocked, use the broom handle to knock me off the equipment, then beat the equipment to death with said broom handle. Leave shattered remains of equipment in the lab as a warning to the other devices.

I was thinking about those "Reasons why beer is better than women" shirts, and that they need one more reason to be complete: If you hit a beer, you don't have to spend the night at county.

On the subject of Ukranian politics, why can't we have hotties like Yulia Tymoshenko running for national office in America? Sweet monkey jesus, do I love me some of that crazy braid-halo hair she's got going on.

Finally, the movie review of the week is Son of Blob.

Search terms!

Guess who doesn't have an idea for a blog post today? It's me! It's me! Thankgoodness for search terms. I heart them.

"my room smells of fish" "my lamp smells of fish" "fish smell light socket": jiggscasey.com is the internet epicenter for fish-smelling furnishings.

"japanese satan" "japanese satan worship": Did you know that Japanese Satan drives a Toyota? He's really a company man.

"little known facts about bears": One little known fact about bears is that in spite of them being so large and hairy, they are often bottoms.

"whatever happened to the perfect strangers cast": Ironically, another little known fact about bears is that a large grizzly bear mauled both Mark Linn-Baker and Bronson Pinchot during a camping trip in 2002.

"nasty nighties": The nasty nighties sounds like the name of a roller derby team. Additionally, what does a sexy waterskier wear if not a nasty nightie?

What Tasty's watchin'

You know, the fall TV season is once again upon us.

I just felt it worthwhile to mention a few details of what I'm suddenly into:

1.) Reaper. Good Times. I vacillate daily on whether or not I want this on the CW. On one hand, no one is watching; it's on the CW. On the other hand, if I'm the only one watching, it's on the CW. Any fraction of America's Next Top Model's viewership has to be gold for that channel. That is to say, it's blowing the Nielsen's O-ring.

2.) South Park. This isn't a fair statement. I've always been into South Park. As a Denver native, the Colorado connection alone was enough to get me hooked back in the day. But seriously. This is one show I can say with 100% certainty has gotten even better with each passing season. Respect my Authoritay!

This is quasi-non sequitur, but this image comes up on google if you search for `cartman shit mom warcraft,` which I find humorous


3.) Bionic Woman. Hot cyborg chicks. A sizable percentage of the Battlestar Galactica Cast. Hell yes. Top rated new show. Double hell yes. Since this isn't on Fox, there's a chance I can get into it and it won't get canceled. Maybe.

And, of course, other shows remain in my Top 10. There are... well, 10 of them. But currently, Boston Legal remains in my # 1 slot. I really love this show. I mean. Seriously. Watch it.

At any rate. Conan is queued up on the DVR. I'd best go watch it.

Lego Fun Snacks

In a now recurring consumer reports segment, Tasty and Booty review lego fun snacks and rip kellogs a new geyserhole.

Recipe for a third party

In years past the winner-take-all method of US politics has made success impossible for third parties. No more! Now all the disenchanted voters have a simple 3 step process for electing a third party candidate to president in 2008:

1) Raise $30 million for Newt Gingrich's campaign in October.
2) Nominate Hillary Clinton and Newt Gingrich for the Dems and GOP, respectively.
3) Register a third party candidate that has no public history of cannibalism.

If those two are facing off in the general election, I think I could get a ham sandwich 300 electoral votes.

The Cheesy Beefy Melt

Tasty and I have a running argument about Taco Bell's Cheesy Beefy Melt. He thinks it's tasty and I think it should be re-named "the Diarrhito".

I tried to find a picture of the Diarrhito, but was distracted by all the oddities on the Taco Bell website. There's a lot of weird little flash games including a "write a love letter" applet. I couldn't think of anything better to do at 4AM than to write a love letter to Tasty using their mad-libs-style interface.

I hope this love letter to Tasty warms your heart like the warm beef and cheese in the Diarrhito. Enjoy.