Bears win, defeat forces of ugly

No one believed Cal could win. Oregon started favored by 4.5, and that line moved to 7 as everybody on the planet was still betting on the Ducks. I still held out some hope for a win at Autzen Stadium, which was boosted when in the pregame both Lou Holtz and Lee Corso picked the Ducks to win big. You can never feel good about your chances when all the professional douchebags are picking your team. Sure enough, Oregon melted late in the game and Cal squeaked out a win despite a bunch of injuries almost reducing us to running the wishbone late in the 4th quarter.

This could be the year...

Seriously, look at that uniform. Steel skid plate patterns on the knees and shoulders?

Questions

Last night I went to NetBank to check on my bills, but it wasn't there anymore. The FDIC had a little notice that NetBank ran out of money and went under. What the hell did you do, NetBank? It's not hard. You take money from me, give me interest, loan it to someone else, charge more interest. Did you lose it all at the track?

If they made a sequel to Trainspotting, would they call it Trainspotting 2: Back in the Habit?

When did Bill O'Reilly become a parody of himself?

Why am I worried about Cal playing at Oregon? Because Oregon at home fights with the power of ugly.


Stay strong, Golden Bears. Don't fear the ugly.

Anyone remember The Next Karate Kid? Anyone? It had Hilary Swank. Review here.

Open letter to the car next to me at the red light

Why are you drifting forward? Cross traffic still has a green. You know something I don't? No, you're stopping. Huh, your foot must've slipped off the brake.

This is a long light. I suppose I should find a new radio station... here's Hey There Delilah again. Am I sick of this song yet? No, I guess not. Wait, now you're moving forward again. That looked like you actually pushed the gas a little before braking. What was that? Are you trying to intimidate the light into turning green? How's that usually work out for you? Wow, you must be in a hurry.

Well, cross traffic finally has that yellow. Now you'll be jetting off the line pretty hard. And... now. Now. Why aren't you moving? We have a green and you're just sitting there. I was going to give you the visceral satisfaction of beating me out of the intersection, but I guess I'll go ahead. I'll just watch you in the rear view and... okay, now you're going.

So what the hell was that stutter step business about? Why are the cars that impatiently ooze forward at the red light the last ones to go at the green? I just want to understand. I just want to understand why you douchebags drive the way you do.

We're great friends with Jeff Garlin

Tasty and I were sitting in a club with Jeff Garlin, who is a friend of Tasty's, and he was telling us this crazy story about this time he ended up in a hotel room with JJ Abrams, Selma Blair, Jeff Goldblum and two hot French models. But Jeff couldn't remember the name of one other famous person in his story, and after describing her Tasty reminded him that her name was Lake Bell. Anyway Jeff thanked Tasty and was able to explain why he didn't end up having sex that night.

Ok... I'll be hoenst with you... That happened...Only not exactly like that. We were in a club with Jeff Garlin, and he was telling us that story, but it was a comedy club and we were in the audience. However Garlin really couldn't remember Lake Bell's name, and Tasty did remember it for him during a crazy story that included Abrams, Blair and Goldbloom. And for a few seconds, Jeff Garlin was talking directly to Tasty and we felt famous.

And after that experience, Tasty was carrying Jeff Garlin's baby.

Rugby World Cup action

USA loses to Samoa 25-21. I made a bet with someone that America would come within 8.5 points of one of the teams in their group in the Rugby World Cup. It was looking bleak after losing 25-15 to Tonga, but a late try against Samoa won the bet for me. It sure as hell wasn't going to be a close match with England or South Africa.


Gambling problem? Your face has a gambling problem!

Science Corner

So one of the energy efficiency projects at the National Renewable Energy Lab is working on air conditioning in cars. I've been told that the air conditioner in the average car is about the right power for a small house, because you get into a hot car and you want that quick cooldown. So they're looking at different tricks to make that more efficient. The freaky thing they built is a robot that sweats, so they can test exactly how hot/sticky/nasty it would feel to be in the car without having to be in the car. Plus, you get to give a lab tour and say, "Yeah, that's a robot we built. He sweats."

They hope that putting a chiller in the seat will let car makers reduce the size of the AC, because it's a hell of a lot faster to draw heat directly out of your back than by blowing cool air on your face. I think it's awesome, but future Mrs. Slappy thinks it sounds creepy, especially if the chillers were on the bottom of the seat too. I think it may be a gender thing, because in the middle of an August heat wave I wouldn't mind having my ass lightly chilled.

So ladies, would you be weirded out by cooling coils underneath your bottom? And gentlemen, would you find chilled balls unpleasant in the summertime? In the name of science, we must know.

Miller Chill!

This episode of the 1919s is brought yo you by miller chill!

An apology to our Jewish readers

As I was catching up on some reading Sunday, it came to my attention that Jiggs showed his ignorance regarding the meaning of Jewish holidays. As the Jewish member of the staff, it is normally my job to copy edit these things, but I've been busy lately.

As it turns out, I was at Jiggs's house on Friday during Yom Kippur, the actual Day of Atonement. In fact, I was so crazed with hunger because of my fast that I somehow ended up getting filmed in the shower for a future podcast.

Regardless, apologies to those who were offended at Jiggs's ignorance. I'm sure he'll do better next year. Besides, if you were were a good Jew this year, you have to forgive him for his sins against you anyway.

A quick thought

There's been a lot of talk about the private security company that killed 8 Iraqis earlier in the week. The news outlets have explained the role of these firms in the occupation, prior incidents involving the security company, but I feel like they're missing a very important detail. They're named Blackwater. For those unfamiliar with technical terms related to sewage processing (the less glorious side to my thesis research), that is the term for raw, untreated, human sewage.

New rule: The Pentagon should not hire any mercenary outfit that decided to name themselves after sewage. You wouldn't want to hire a private security company called Shitstorm, would you? Okay, maybe you would. But I think it's a bad idea.

Also, if you like Chuck Norris, here's a movie review.

USA! USA! USA!

Women's World Cup action live on ESPN2. USA versus England.

Keep an eye out for Hope Solo, American goalkeeper and pilot of the Millenium Falcon. Also Heather Mitts. She's not on the field, she's in the studio, but she's very pretty.

15th minute: England keeping possession, America playing longball. I'm still trying to think of a special relationship joke.

38th minute: US strategy is 1) hit long ball, 2) hope for corner kick. Good chances, ugly soccer.

Halftime: US got some good chances late in the half, but England is playing better.

48th minute: Abby Wambach heads a corner through the keeper into the net. 1-nil US. She hit that ball like a motherfucker. Or fatherfucker. Either way, US with the lead.

51st minute: England great chance in the box... but she heads it away from net. That was weird.

57th minute: Shannon Boxx takes the ball off a midfielder's foot and launches a low shot into the right corner. 2-nil. Shannon Boxx is a member of the Porn Star Name Athlete Hall of Fame, along with Texas QB Colt McCoy.

60th minute: English keeper misplays a ball and Christine Lilly walks the ball in. 3-nil and goodbye to England. Take that, you Limey bastards! That'll teach you to burn Washington DC during the War of 1812.

Friday Throwaway!

I'm too busy to put any thought into a blogpost today... But when has that ever stopped me before? I need some aloe because I just burned myself!

Anyway, I was looking through the search terms, and I saw the phrase, "pubic dandruff." This might be the single best search term that we have ever had, and it might even become the inspiration for a new 1919s episode.

In order to honor the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish time of atonement, I went out and rented a Hasidic Rosh Hashanah themed porn entilted, "The Day of Abonement". In case you're wondering, it's got a lot of boning in it.

Do you have a problem with pubic dandruff? Try Head and Nutbags!

I'm so depressed

I figure everyone's heard the news, but I'll recap: OJ Simpson goes to Vegas, insanity follows, he gets arrested for theft, or attempted murder, or treason or something. It doesn't matter. You know what this means, right? 10 more years of Jay Leno OJ jokes. He only stopped doing OJ jokes a couple years ago, which probably weighed heavily on his decision to step down as host of the Tonight Show. I bet he stays on now that he has another decade of limp, uninspired material. This is like Groundhog Day only evil.

The only benefit is that if Conan stays on Late Night he won't have to sack the Masturbating Bear.

Sack.

Commentary on the Comments

A new episode of the 1919s for this week. Here we're talking about the comments we're getting on the youtube. Enjoy:

Are we animals?

Yesterday the computer guys at work discovered that a hacker had broken into our servers, presumably to steal data packets or electrons or something. My guess is that al Qaeda desperately needs technology to measure airborne particulate pollution. So for an entire day we had no connection to the Internet. No news, weather, sports, or even JiggsCasey.com. As far as work goes, that also meant that I couldn't get any journal articles or quotes for ordering parts. Granted, it was Monday so I wasn't doing any of that work stuff, but it had the potential to completely stall my day.

A general malaise swept over the company. Around 9 am people realized they couldn't read the news over their coffee, so they aimlessly roamed the halls. A little later howls of frustration rose as people couldn't check whatever piece of data they needed online. After lunch we had replaced the fluorescent lighting with torches dipped in whale oil, and a small contingent had abandoned Excel in favor of chiseling data on stone tablets.


Today, all has returned to normal - except we had to change our passwords. My guess is that with this many scientists and engineers, at least one is a big Spaceballs fan with "12345" as their password. Although many are still using stone tablets because it makes better looking graphs than Excel. (nerd joke!)

More like Ryan SUCKFEST!!!

This year's emmys was the biggest circle jerk ever! It's like everybody in television got together, jerked off into a cup and passed that cup around.

Ryan Seacrest's opening to the show did nothing to quell those rumors that he is gay. Way to spot those fashions Seacrest! And then he dressed like he was going to a Renaissance Fair. Seacrest OUT!

I was impressed by the shitty editing on the show, and how they cut to a weird disco ball whenever someone said or did something inappropriate.

The boobies were out during these emmys, and I loved it. It was like an episode of "The Red Show Diaries". And somehow, Brad Garrett still took it too far.

I have never seen an episode of the Sopranos. And there were so many clips of the sopranos during this emmys ceremony, I don't think I ever need to.

I'm sick of the Daily Show winning emmys. That show is played out.

Hollywood has a hard on for Al Gore and his internet tv channel. (Insert joke about him inventing the internet here)

Sally Field is a total Emmy hog. What a crazy bitch! Way to censor her fox!

Is it just me, or is Ugly Betty getting progressively hotter? I would totally bump uglies with her... Get it?

Why do I keep watching this shit? Oh well... I'm off to buy some carbon offsets.

Weekend filler

Put another movie review on the spinoff. It's Joe Versus The Volcano!

Fun fact: I saw this in the theaters in 1990. I also saw Ishtar when it came out. I don't know why.

How much do you think it should cost to deck out a place for a wedding reception? I'd have to think you could charge 5 grand for a 100 person affair and clear a good profit, but everywhere seems to think 10 grand is much more reasonable. We need to start up a discount wedding chain across the country and undercut the shit out of everyone. We could be the Walmart of weddings.

Reviews of movies I haven't seen

Welcome to a new segment here at JiggsCasey.com, where I review a movie based entirely on the trailers, crew, and poster. First up: Mr. Woodcock.

Review capsule: It sucks.

Despite the usually reliable cast of Billy Bob Thornton, Seann Williams Scott, and Susan Sarandon, this film disappoints even those who just wanted to see guys getting hit in the nuts repeatedly. Those viewers will enjoy the nut shots, but find the 87 minute runtime to be overlong and wish that the director had tightened the film down to a 25 minute nut shot montage.

I do have concerns over Billy Bob's film selection. If I were his agent, I'd want to get him some different roles or else people might think he's a misanthropic weirdo. Seann Williams Scott? More like Seann Williams I Make A Lot Of Bad Movies. Zing!

A word of praise though for Susan Sarandon, who is still inexplicably hot. I mean, everyone remembers her in Bull Durham but I think she was also in Pride of the Yankees. Heyo! I now understand why she's such a strident Democrat - if the Republicans stayed in power any longer she wouldn't be able to legally harvest stem cells from Chinese orphans.

Booyah, Jiggs!

Booty and I just filmed a covert podcast.

It'll be coming up in a few weeks on the ol' you tube. So. Yeah.

Suck it, Jiggs, we don't need you.

We just need your camera.

And you....

To edit and post it....

Thanks, Jiggs.

Introducing the 1919s

Enjoy this new entry into the pantheon of jiggscasey.com podcasts.

Nerd Test, The Deuce!

Take it!

Here are my results:





I love postin' stuff!

Sunday night brainstorm

We're in the "selecting a reception site" phase of the wedding plans. This entails sifting through brochures to determine exactly how each hall turns dinner and drinks for 90 people into a $10,000 affair.

A perk that some of the places offer is a free ice sculpture, which is always a tasteful kind of thing. I'm thinking of requesting they do a sculpture of the two of us riding a unicorn. Anyone have some other ideas? With your help, tormenting silly wedding people can become a reality.

Thank you, automated United Airlines rep

I called United to book a flight in Hawaii. I wanted to do it online, but to use United miles on an Aloha Airlines flight, you have to do battle with the automated United representative. This, with no exaggeration for comic effect, is part of the transcript.

Automated United rep: What is the departure city?
Me: Kahului (KAH-hoo-LOO-ee), Hawaii.
AUR: Was that {pause} Adelaide, Australia?
M: No.

It's Friday

I spent all of yesterday writing a short summary to apply to give a talk at a conference in December - it's in San Francisco so if I get accepted we can have a jiggsblog reunion. As is very common in research, I haven't really completed any of what I was summarizing, so it kinda feels like I'm trying to con them into accepting me. "Yes, we're going to have some great new data on atmospheric chemistry, and answer some questions people have had for oh about ten years, and we just might cure cancer too."

I posted another movie review on the spinoff site: Cry-Baby starring Johnny Depp, Traci Lords, Ricki Lake and Iggy Pop. I like to imagine that they all became lifelong friends during filming and now just hang out. Enjoy.

I also finished an art project I started earlier this week. I imagined the US flag with monkeys instead of stars. It doesn't show up to well in thumbnail mode, so here's a different version with a single, big old honking monkey in the canton - it's the Liberian flag with a monkey. Both flags are on a cafepress store called, unimaginatively, monkeyflag.

This week in spam

I got messages with the following titles within hours in my spam folder:

1. My boyfriend's tool is too big for my mouth.
2. My new guy's phallus is enormous, and my mouth is tiny.
3. My boyfriend's pecker is too big for my mouth.

Each of them had content like: "Girls always giggled at me and even youths did in the urban lavatory!" or "Princesses always giggled at me and even gentlemans did in the federal comfort station!"

Then it seems like the spam author decided to change course with the titles:

1. I just started having sex and my boyfriend keeps popping out when we do it.
2. I just started dating a guy I like, but his phallus is on the small side and really doesn't satisfy me.

I heart hilarious spam.

Your daily dose of high culture

Here's a one-act play I wrote a few years ago. I am still looking for a venue and two actors capable of bringing my vision to life.

Welcome to the House of Tao:
A Mirror on the Condition of Man

Setting: Park. Mid afternoon. Blue skies. It is a Tuesday. Two men cross paths.

Man #1: {Said with a seething hatred compounded by a guilty awareness of the role of class conflict in this instant dislike. He is from a broken home. Destitute, ever hungry, he was beaten daily with a souvenir hula dancer table lamp purchased in a Kahului drug store during a five day six night vacation in Maui and Oahu when he was seven. He was not allowed to go.} Hello.

Man #2: {With embarrassment over his transparent attempt to appear humble and streetwise. Born into affluence, he has always felt uncomfortable around people who were clearly less fortunate. He buys the Wall Street Journal every morning instead of having it delivered so that passersby would not see mark of his high socio-economic standing the sitting there on the doorstep, even though he would save over 57% off the cover price with a subscription. He has a slight itch in his left nostril.} Hi.

Man #1: {Silent as he imagines stealing the man's shoes, not out of need or even want, but because of an outbreak of shoe thefts in the neighborhood northwest of his old apartment building. That only involved sneakers, but in the weeks since he read the story in the Times he had become fascinated by the idea of stealing of shoes. Loafers at first, now even wingtips. He would never do such a thing, though, due to a mixture of two parts morality for one part fear.}

Man #2: {Looks up to the sky. Feels tears welling up but conceals them completely. He smells like turpentine and olive oil. Perhaps his defining characteristic, it permeates his very essence.} Nice weather we're having.

Man #1: {Exhibiting an ennui that defies his youth. Can it be that his soul is forty years older than his corporeal body? No.} Supposed to rain tomorrow.

Man #2: {His hands are cold. He recalls the new gloves he purchased at an upscale department store. He had them for no more than a week and now they are gone. Gone! Where have they gone? Maybe he left them somewhere in the closet, maybe on the subway. Yes, he must have lost them on the subway. Damn.} Yeah.

Man #1: {Choked with rage, though it instantly melts into passive distrust. This in turn gives way to a mild amusement, then bemusement. Then he gets tired and tries to ignore his conflicting emotions towards this man. And yet, he cannot.} Nice day, though.

Man #2: {He is tired, it is obvious although he doesn't show it in his posture, alertness or speech. He was up until 3:30 the night prior fixing the bathtub drain that was leaking through a crack in the ceiling onto his commemorative Civil War chess set. In the end he still had to call a plumber.} A bit cold, but a nice day.

Man #1: {Nodding, turns around and walks off in a way that would be wistful is not for the fact that he doesn't know Man #2}

Man #2: {Is thinking of a number from one to ten. It is a seven.}

Fuck you unions!

"Union" is an accurate term only if you are using it to describe them as the unholy union of socialism and the devil!

Yesterday was Labor Day, and instead of honoring labor and resting, I decided to thumb my nose as big labor. I went to the local toilet seat factory and personally manufactured 3500 toilet seats, more than double what the factory outputs per day with it's full unionized labor force. And that was all before lunch, which lasted for only ten minutes before I was back to work.

Not only that, but some lucky toilet seat buyers will get a free laser powered poop removal system. Those turds won't even make it to the water before you smell shit smoke!

Smell my shit smoke, unions!

College Football Roundup

In honor of the first college football weekend, I bring you three game reports. For the non-football-lovers out there, I'm sure Jiggs will post something good soon.

#1: Cal beats Tennessee, 45-31. Thank god. I don't have to listen to SEC fans babble on about the West Coast for a while. Ha, SEC. This time we won and we can read. That's two we got on you.

#2: Hawaii beats Northern Colorado 63-6. Sadly, I bet a dollar on the Rainbow Warriors to win by 59.5. I'm serious. They missed covering by a field goal. My first stupid college football wager of the season goes against me.

#3: Michigan loses, at home, to Appalachian State, 34-32. Appy State is the champion of 1-AA and Michigan was ranked #5 in 1-A. This isn't like Buster Douglas knocking out Mike Tyson, this is like Jiggs knocking out Mike Tyson and then demanding that Mike make him some pancakes.