Screw you, Massachusetts!

I got a bill from the Mass. D.O.R.* for my 2007 taxes. It seems by some error (I probably forgot to carry the one), I underpaid by $3. So they want me to pay them $3, plus 8 cents interest, plus 7 cents in penalties.

Are you kidding me? I'd wager it will cost the state more than $3.15 to send out the notice to me and process my check. They should have just called me up and ordered me to set $3 on fire.

The only good thing is that they gave me several options to pay: check, money order, online debit, or a sock filled with 315 pennies.

* D.O.R. stands for Suck My Balls**.

** Or the Department of Revenue. Either way.

Youtube Comments: Ethnic Addition!

Most comments on our youtube liquid nitrogen smash video ask us what we were on while we were filming. They never believe us when we say it was a tequila, meth colombian blue flake cocktail.

However some comments deserve special consideration, and thus we have our special youtube blog posts. Check out these especially ethnic sounding comments:

doon117:
what do u mean by suck my balls ON 3:31 U DONT EVEN HAVE NONE U FUCKER PINCHI MAYATE CULERO

My response:
You should let your Spanish teacher know that you're practicing your Spanish on youtube. That might turn you into her favorite eighth grader!

bulshyt:
the girl has more guns than you do you white cracker

My response:
Dear Mr. Nat X,

You don't need to say the redundant slur, "white cracker". Just say, "cracker". No one will think you're referring to unleavened bread.

Funny to me

The big buzz surrounding the Conservapedia, which is like the Wikipedia except with a fanatical political bent, has died down which means we can visit it and be amazed at the fair and balanced information. The article on atheism, for example, starts with a section called "Biblical View of Atheism." If I remember my CCD, I believe the Bible is opposed to it.

It just goes to show the formulation "Just like ______, but for ______ people" never works. Like Air America, the Fox News version of Daily Show, and that short-lived chain of Mormon combination brothel/opium den/chicken-fried steak restaurants.

Compare and contrast:

Wikipedia entry on "god"

Conservapedia entry on "god"

The Wiki entry on "god" discusses the belief in deities in general, and various examples in modern and ancient religion. It even covers subtle concepts like theism and deism, which you would expect since the article was written by someone with a degree in religious studies, or by a 12-year old kid with a copy of "Religion for Dummies." Either way, really.

The Conservapedia entry on "god" refers only to the Christian god, which I'm pleased with in that they don't try to throw the Jews a bone with the whole Judeo-Christian afterthought. There are so many unnecessary capitalizations I feel like I'm reading Francis Bacon. The capper is that the end of the article has a link to "other gods."

At least is wasn't a link to "gods worshipped by the hell-bound."

Damn these wasted parking passes!

City of Berkeley: How you mock me with your expiration dates! When I bought ten one-day parking passes, how was I to know that I only would need seven of them? You played me for a fool and screwed me out of six dollars, you transportation department pricks!

Or should I be mad at myself? The parking passes were for my friends, not for me. If I had more parking passes than friends needing them, does that not imply that I don't have enough friends?

Are my misanthropic ways finally catching up with me? Does my preference for sitting by myself and eating cheetos limit the number of parking passes that I need? Do all my friends know that I secretly hate them with the fiery passion of a thousand suns?

City of Berkeley: You have played a cruel trick on me... A cruel trick indeed!

Weddings

A friend of mine from grad school got married on Saturday, and it was a fairly normal Boston wedding - everybody showing up late due to construction on key roads approaching the church, bridesmaid reading Song of Songs while completely unable to hold back the tears, a surprisingly funny priest. Even though the reception was held in a banquet hall on the MIT campus (only the best), it was pretty normal too - dinner took a couple hours to get served and the speeches were dragging along while we looked longingly at the cake.

But there was something special in the air. We didn't even really notice when the bride yelled across the room at the best man when he started telling a story about how the couple got engaged. At first when we heard the groom and the bride would give speeches we thought, "Hey, that's more delay between us and cake. What the hell?" Then the bride got the microphone.

It started with "I've had a lot of champagne." Then it rambled around for a while with choice lines like "[The best man] wanted to tell this story, but I wanted to tell it. It's my special day, and, yeah. So I'm going to tell it." A couple good embarrassing stories followed, and it closed with "I've had a lot of champagne." Any wedding speech where the speaker has a 50% chance of either passing out or even just wandering off, that's a good one.

To top it off, the groom's mother gave a speech about her little boy. Either she was drunk too or just very innocent-minded, because she told the story of her little boy's two nicknames growing up. When he was a kid, they called him Ball because he loved sports so much. Later on in high school his friends found out that Fuzzy was a family nickname, and it stuck. So for the rest of his life now, everyone at the wedding will be calling the man Fuzzy Balls.

A Complete Guide to Franz Kafka

Franz Kafka was an extremely talented, but ever self-critical 20th century writer. Most people know of his greatness, but very few truly understand the man. I have done decades of research to better understand Kafka, and with this article, I will communicate my insight to all you dumbasses. Enjoy!

If I had to use one word to describe Franz Kafka, I would use the word Kafkaesque. If I had to use two words to describe Franz Kafka, both words would be Kafkaesque. Kafkaesque is just that appropriate.

The sheer fact that his name has been turned into an adjective shows just how important his novels and short stories have become. For instance, you will never hear any scenario described as Louis Lamour-esque. Nor will you ever hear a phrase like My world is Tom Clancy-esque. (And if you do, that is a good sign that you ought to invest in an M-16.)

Franz Kafka spent his days as an accountant, and his nights writing. Any free time that he had was spent being bitter about being an accountant. He also hated his father.

Kafka's work explores the notion that the world is an absurd place of interminable torture and death--whichever comes first. Many people believe that the oppressive power structures found in his work are metaphorical representations of his father, but there is mounting evidence that they are actually metaphorical representations of Frank Stallone.

Kafka's most famous works are The Metamorphosis (Die Verwandlung), The Trial (Der Prozess) and The Castle (Das Schloss)*. Out of these three works, only The Metamorphosis was published during his lifetime, as the other two were published before he was born.

In The Metamorphosis, Gregor Samsa wakes up one day to find his toast burnt. He also happens to be a cockroach**. The story describes the complexities of life as a piece of vermin. For example, he can no longer change the channel on the television since the remote control had yet to be invented. In spite of its rather depressing premise, the story ends happily when Samsa dies and his family joyfully moves to the country.

In The Trial, the protagonist Joseph K. is brought in on trumped up charges that he violently murdered his ex-wife and her young lover. The story is made all the more absurd when K and his best friend, a football player only identified as A.C., lead the police on a lengthy slow speed chase in a white Bronco. The situation looks hopeless for K. until Johnny Cochran arrives.

The Castle, unlike the previous two stories, is about a castle. In it, the hero is a surveyor in Prague, asked to survey a castle in a small town. The hero desperately attempts to gain entrance to the castle, but much like my quest for a bigger penis, the hero's search for truth and belonging is never realized.

As you can see, Kafka was clearly one fucked up dude.

*I know the German names too... I am so smart.
**Though it is never specified in the text, I am certain he is a German Cockroach.

More like Rocky Balboner!

I watched Rocky 6 on DVD and it was totally awesome.

When a computer picks young Balboa as the victor in a simulated fight over reigning champ Mason Dixon, Rocky tosses away his walker to enter the ring one final time for a charity bout, with half the fight's proceeds going to NaMBLA.

The climax of the film, and the simultaneous climax in my pants, occurs during the fight when Mason Dixon, played by boxing champ Antonio Tarver, reaches into Balboa's mouth and rips out Rocky's spine for a Mortal Kombat style fatality.

While the pacing of the film up to that point is a little slow, it's still a poignant reflection on what happens to a fighter when he grows old and goes back to the ring for one last great fight: He gets his spine ripped out.

Also, yesterday I cut my gum with dental floss by flossing too hard... Who does that?!?! I'm a moron!

To follow up on the Rocky post above...

This week's retarded joke is:

Jiggs's penis is so big, it calls him "Little Jiggs"


(My experiments were very boring today.)

Double-0 Double-U

An open letter to liberals everywhere:

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to call off the hounds. We have been clamoring for the impeachment of George W. Bush, but recent documents that fell into my possession have convinced me that our vitriol and bile have been misspent. George W. Bush is the greatest liberal America has produced in the last 100 years. After skillfully infiltrating the GOP, it took him only 6 years to destroy neoconservatism and compassionate conservatism, leaving Republicans with only paleoconservatism. And you know that a significant fraction of conservatives don't like anything with "paleo" in the title.

In the weeks and months following the September 11 bombings, the right was startled out of their traditional isolationist roles and began demanding revenge on the Muslim world. They wanted to invade and remake the Middle East in our image. Others wanted to transform the military into a sexy, Hollywood fighting force consisting of a million jet fighters and five commandos on the ground. George Bush realized there was no better way to illustrate the folly of these ideas than invading Iraq with a third of the troops needed to secure the country.

On the domestic front, George Bush sought to completely change the playing field for the two major political parties. For most of the 20th century, the Republican Party was the party of smaller government and the Democratic Party was the party of larger government. This meant that voters trusted the Democrats to provide social services and the Republicans to lower taxes and spending. It took years of runaway federal budgets and a massive accumulation of foreign-held debt, but he managed to give the Democratic Party the mantle of fiscal responsibility.

The other virtue of Republican government has always been that the corporate organizational structure of their cabinets gave them an image of efficiency and discipline. Valerie Plame, the attorney firings, unprecedented secrecy, wiretaps, Abu Ghraib, North Korea, and Katrina just serve to highlight and accentuate the colossal blunders of Iraq and the budget, like some kind of fuckup parsley. It got so bad in 2006 the Republicans lost both houses of Congress due to the strategic mastery of Howard Dean.

By now I'm sure a good fraction of the readers are skeptical. I can hear you saying, "Oh, how is it possible that Bush is a covert liberal agent? That's just madness! It doesn't make any sense." Yet here in 2007, with an unpopular war raging that cost his party Congress, how is he helping out his "fellow Republicans?" He's pushing hard for an immigration bill that the GOP base hates more than married gay stem cell researchers burning the flag. I say to you, skeptical reader, how is it possible that George Bush is anything but a covert liberal agent?

You should need no more proof than the following: His presidency has been so disastrous that whatever name is picked for the GOP candidate in 2008, national polls put that person in no better than a statistical dead heat with Hillary Clinton. Do you still doubt Bush's chops? This man has made Hillary Clinton electable.

Spicy club sauce

I heart search terms. When you can't think of anything to post because it's 5 in the morning and you're tired, search terms come to the rescue.

1. I hate Andy Samberg - People searching for that phrase suggest that I am not alone in my belief that Andy Samberg is a douche.
2. teens boys hot blog and hot young boys - It's true! We are hot young teen age boys!
3. dutch tranny and mexican donkey sex and mexician sex show- Sexual stuff is always funnier when preceded either by "dutch" or "mexican". Other nationalities might possibly be funny, I just don't know of any.
4. nudists party videos - Nudists love to party! And nudists also don't mind pubes in the guacamole!
5. "invert the penis" without surgery - This is what happens when you accidentally see your parents having sex... in an amateur porn video.
   

The Gay Agenda

An election is approaching, so it's just a matter of time until we start hearing from the GOP about the danger of the "gay agenda." As most of you, I always thought this was just paranoid ranting, but that was before I found this copy of the gay agenda left behind after a secret gay leadership meeting at a Krispy Kreme. (Yes, the secret gay leadership meetings are at a Krispy Kreme. What's weird about that? Gay people can't like donuts? Those fresh glazed ones are so damned good when they're hot. Gay or straight, there's no denying it.) You will be as shocked as I was to see how intricate their plans are. It's almost enough to make me vote for McCain. But not Romney - that's just crazy talk.



Bring down Ted Haggard with some combination of meth and male prostitutes.

Get photographic evidence of Dick Cheney doing lines of coke off a 19-year old Puerto Rican manwhore's ass.

Take over Bravo channel.

Gain at least 20% control of the Kids in the Hall.

Take over C-SPAN.

Design rainbow flag.

Plant newly branded rainbow flag on uncharted South Pacific island, future site of weather-controlling machine.

Put Will and Grace on air to dispel myth that homosexuals can't make a terrible formulaic sitcom.

Discover cure for cancer; don't share it with straights.

Circulate rumors about Tom Cruise to turn him into a couch-jumping Scientologist nutjob.

Develop tactical nuclear weapon.

Steal all colors, starting with purple.

Convert the Teletubbies, starting with Tinky Winky.

Cause global warming.

By the power vested in me by my 44 magnum

People spend too much money on weddings. I know a couple spending $12 an invitation on over 250 people. That outrageous!

Getting married should be a lot like getting a gun. After you decide to do it, there's gotta be a mandatory 10 day waiting period in case you were drunk or high when you made the decision. That'll give both parties time to think about whether they really need it.

Then everybody has to head off to the range to take the safety lessons and when you're done shooting stuff, the instructor gives you your license and you're married. And you'd have the best wedding gift of all: a gun!

Have I mentioned that I'm becoming a writer for Larry the Cableguy?

GET 'ER DONE!

Just like golf, but miniature

First, JiggsCasey.com would like to make a firm stand here: minigolf must have wacky holes. There have been too many courses I've seen, particularly here in the Northeast, where it's just like 18 relatively flat putting greens. If you don't have some combination of weird slopes, holes that lead to detached greens, water hazards, windmills, or a loop-de-loop (my favorite), don't call yourself a minigolf course.

I was one of three couples went to Kimball Farms out here in the greater Boston metro today. They've got a very nice pair of 18 hole minigolf courses. Us three gentlemen played a minigolf skins match. Sorry, Tits, that doesn't mean we were stripping. Basically, each of us put $1 for each hole (skin). If one person had the best score on the hole, they won the money. If two or three of us tied for best score, the skin goes to the next hole. When one person wins that, they take all the money.

It was wonderful. A new high for me in degenerate gambling. I didn't win anything in the first 17 holes - even though I tied for the win on a bunch of them. Bleak, but I rallied and managed to only lose a few bucks... because the couples played 9 holes of best-ball pitch-and-putt (60-100 yard holes, you get a pitching wedge and a putter) with $5 each for the best score. As it turns out, I can pitch pretty good, but my girlfriend has a great short game. I would pitch the ball onto the green, and she would alternate between too short and over the green and a bank off the guys playing in front of us. So we'd use my shot on the green and I would promptly putt the ball somewhere not very close to the hole, then she would re-shoot my putt and sink it. Any distance, any break in the green. She'll mess you up.

Then we had ice cream and played bumper boats. Bumper boats are inner tubes where you hold a two-stroke engine that runs a little propeller in the water. A two-stroke engine is the dirtiest engine design in the world, and unfortunately I knew what I was breathing in, but then I got to ram into the guy who won a bunch of money from us in minigolf skins and it all felt beautiful.

I'm getting screwed by the man!

And this man is named, "Atari." I posted this image on cafepress and Atari told cafepress to take it down:

I guess that the faded image that resembles an old atari controller violates trademark.

Cafepress gave me the contact information for someone at atari and I wonder if I should email them and give them a hard time. Like what if I got rid of the orange button. Would that still violate the trademark? Or if i put a ball on the top of the stick. Would that still violate trademark?

Random thought

Do you think that the long-term popularity of the Play Doh Fun Factory is because it is basically a brightly colored plastic pooping machine?

Mr. Gorbachev, Tear down that wall!

America remembered Reagan's "Tear Down This Wall" speech yesterday. It was the Berlin speech's 20th anniversary. This reminded me of the tribute to Reagan that we made when he died. Enjoy

Campaign 2008: Promise

New campaign promise: Should I ever get the invitation, I will never raise my hand in a presidential debate. In part because I feel a debate should be about the exchange of ideas, not soundbites, and in part because it would open me up to such childish mockery.

"Okay, raise your hand if you fantasized about Ru Paul before you figured out she was a dude."


"Show of hands: how many of you are wearing frilly panties right now?"

Dandruff like me

So yesterday, I get out of the shower, dry myself with the towel and check myself out in the mirror. Only this time, instead of being mildly aroused by the sight of my own nakedness, I notice that I have dandruff! Very very bad dandruff; As if I tumbled head-first in a cocaine factory dandruff.

It was odd to have such very bad dandruff because I didn't have *any* dandruff the day before. In the span of one night I had gone from Jiggs Casey, the ruthlessly sexy man about town to Jiggs Casey, dandruff guy. My life was over.

As I started to pick out the white flecks from my hair, I imagined my future; A future where I am resigned to buying 'Head and Shoulders' shampoo. A future where every month I approach the check out stand at Target and shamefully hand the bottle of dandruff shampoo to the checker, looking like a horse that needs to be put down. A future where I'll never have sex again.

Then, in order to better understand my tiny white tormentors, I plucked a dandruff flake from my hair and looked at it, deeply, intensely... But it didn't look like dead skin... It looked like... like... a tiny bit of tissue!

I looked back at my bath towel and noticed my "dandruff" all over it. A tissue must have gotten in the wash and covered the towel with its disgusting tissue flesh. And when I used the towel, the universe played a joke on me and transfered them to my hair.

How silly it was for me to think I had pubic dandruff!!!

My latest money making scheme (please don't steal it)

I am going to open a chain of old-school barbershops - not some bullshit "unisex salon" like Supercuts, but a real barbershop with combs soaking in weird blue liquids. The catch is that the barbers don't talk to you. I like going to a place where the guy knows how to trim the back of my neck with a straight edge razor (without it feeling like he's scraping my skin with a stone hand-axe he crafted from a large piece of flint), but I hate having the same conversation every four weeks.

Yeah, the weather's been terrible lately/finally we got some good weather, huh? Work's a drag, isn't it? And the traffic! Don't get me started on the traffic. What do you think about those clowns in Washington? How bout that local sports team? Sure hope we beat our crosstown rivals.

Bush extended Hilton's prison term...

Bush extended Hilton's prison term, and his approval rating went up by 23 points.

If there's one thing all Americans can agree on, it's that Paris Hilton should still be in the pokey. Everybody is sick of the way the rich and famous get out of every legal scrape and/or murder, and they're justifiably taking it out on Paris while OJ looks for the real killer.

And also I think dudes like the idea of Paris being in jail because they associate women's prisons with hot lesbian prison sex. I mean... Other guys do that... I don't do that myself...

I am not a perv!

A new archnemesis

My workplace is the second to last business on the street in an industrial park 30 minutes outside of Boston. The business at the dead end looks like all the other buildings, but it claims to be the "Global Headquarters" of some generically named company. After months of contemplation, I have concluded that they are clearly a front for a Bond-movie-type supervillian.

There's plenty of evidence. First, they're the global headquarters? Right. "We have branches in New York, Zurich, London, Lagos, Mumbai, Beijing, Melbourne, Santiago, and our global headquarters is in Billerica, Massachusetts." (That's pronounced BILL-rih-cah, or if you're local, Brickah)

Second, I never see more than one car go by to the building on a given day, and when I ride by on my bike at 4pm, there are no cars in the parking lot. Anybody commuting there must be doing so either by secret underground tunnel or jetpack. Either way, definite evidence of supervillainry.

Third, they are located on top of a small hill. You of course are aware that if one was constructing a weather manipulation device or a control tower for a space-based laser weapon, you would want to be on top of a hill.

If only Jiggs Man, Sexy Sancho Panza, and/or The Whirling Dreidel of Death would save the world from their dastardly plans!

Something so disgusting...

that it almost made me gag. In a certain sense, this video is safe for work because there is no nudity or bad language or violence in it. It's just a video of something called "virtual asian girlfriend" where she makes out with a pane of glass in front of the camera. But if you do watch it at work, I can guarantee that you will look like a creep.

The reason this video is so disgusting is that her kissing style is so wet and tongue-y that she gets her spit all over the pane of glass and you see it dripping down the glass and then she basically licks it back up. It totally grossed me out.

In other youtube news, the comment section on liquid nitrogen smash is gaining a life of its own. Up until yesterday when I responded to a bunch of comments, I had ignored it for nearly a month but people kept commenting and people held short discussions in which one person said to another, "you used to be a federal offense." The video has been viewed over 12000 times and it's all quite pleasing.

Additionally, we got a comment that went like this: "Explosion of fun? More like an explosion of dumb, idiot, faggot, retardation." To which I responded, "Did you have a thesaurus on hand?" It's true. I do think I'm funny.

2012 Olympics... of Sucking!

Yeah, take that London. That's what you get for making the lamest Olympics logo in history.

The only explanation I have has to do with time zones. As is my understanding, when it is 7:00 pm in Boston, it is the year 1985 in London. Good job with the hot pink, guys. I can't wait to see the acid-washed denim uniforms for all the British athletes.

Ban the Sears catalog!

Or you'll start smoking crack!

When I was a young boy, I remember sneaking peeks of the lingerie section of the Sears catalog. Because of my youth and inexperience, the tame photos of middle-aged women in their nighties could get the blood flowing to all the right places. Now, the thought of me getting excited from such innocuous imagery is laughable. These days, if a sex scene doesn't include an act named after a Mexican, I won't even get a chubby.

The Sears catalog is the marijuana of pornography! It's a gateway porn to hardcore!

Those cops that came to my school told me not to try the evil weed because they said it would make me want to smoke crack. But they didn't warn me about the Sears catalog, and now look at me. Once upon a time, I could enjoy the Sears catalog. Now I get my jollies watching a donkey do it with a panda. Just think of how many other nice little boys turned into raging perverts because of the Sears catalog. It gives me a chubby just thinking about it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go smoke some crack.

Campaign 2008: More Debates

Fred Thompson is entering the race soon, I hear. I will put this debate out there to blunt any momentum he might built next month when he announces.

Fred Thompson, you claim to be the next incarnation of Ronald Reagan - an outsider to Washington better known as an actor than a politician. You are not the next Ronald Reagan. First of all, you are a good actor. Ronald Reagan was in a movie with a chimp and couldn't get top billing. Second, you were only a senator for one term, and you didn't do much while you were there. You're John Edwards minus hair.

While we're at it, Al Gore, don't even think about it. You used to be what we call an easy target. Now, you've added fat to the list of things people can mock you over. I know the triumphant return must appeal to you, but you would be looking to repeat history: Vice President for a 2-term popular president who led the country through a peaceful economic expansion, lost a tight election over dodgy electoral shenanigans to a young, inexperienced political scion, spent years out of the limelight only to return with a new sense of charisma... that's not your story; that's Richard Nixon. Don't become the next Richard Nixon. Stick with the PowerPoint.

The only other big name that might run is Newt Gingrich, so I may as well cover all my bases. Newt Gingrich... are you fucking kidding me? 1. You are Newt Gingrich. 2. Your name is Newt Gingrich. There will never be a President Newt.

I respectfully await any or all of your rebuttals in the comments section.

I am a super hero

Slappy was partially right when he suggested that I was off fighting crime with Tasty and Booty. I was off fighting crime alright, but not with Tasty. Tasty was off in Hungary beating the paprika out of evil-doers. And not with Booty because Booty was off masturbating in the shower.

No, for this mission, I needed two female sidekicks and I found them in Miss Kendra and A-Team.

LOCATION: Hollywood, California

MISSION: Senator Feinstein is deep into military secrets. She has been selling information about our new fusion bomb to North Korea and receiving payments strictly in kimchi. As everyone knows, Feinstein has a penchant for Hollywood hookers and can often be seen cruising down Hollywood Boulevard searching for pootytang. The mission is to assume the role of Pimp Jiggy and pimp out my deadly hos to Feinstein.

Of course, A-Team and Miss Kendra will assume the ho identities Vinyl Vixen and Ms. Kitty, respectively. Each of them will be armed with the deadly neuro-toxin K3n-E-G33 and are under orders to take Feinstein out and end the evil kimchi shipments.

As usual, the best part about any undercover mission is the costuming. And as you can tell from our sexy costumes, The Vinyl Vixen, Pimp Jiggy and Ms Kitty are ready for action! Talk about MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!