Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Yes Slappy, there was a Santa Claus

Here's a flashback to a classic article from before we were a blog, before we were a website, way back to when we were a literary magazine. We were basically the Atlantic Monthly with more dick jokes.

I was going through the old family scrapbook the other day and found this newsprint article from my youth. My brother Ulysses had it printed up and gave it to me in order to ruin the magic of Christmas once and for all. He had his reasons: he wanted me to be aware of the harsh realities of life. That and he was an asshole.

Feb. 4, 1959

Clear Lake Globe

A harsh winter storm resulted in the crash of a small single engine commuter plane in the fields outside of Clear Lake yesterday, claiming the lives of all three passengers, well known celebrities Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. The pilot was also killed, but further investigation proved he was not in fact famous. The three were traveling on a mall tour from Mason City, Iowa, to Fargo, North Dakota. After hearing the news the other childhood celebrities continued on with the tour, leading to a very somber show at the Hillsdale Mall in Fargo. The was especially true for Nicky the Arbor Day Mule, who lost a coin flip to the Tooth Fairy for the last seat on the ill-fated flight.
Our own local Police Chief Chris Pederson has been placed in charge of the investigation. "We're taking a look at the possible causes for the untimely demise of Mr. Claus and the two other guys. We've basically got a whole crapload of [parents] who are mad as hell," he explained. "They're expecting to have to take over for these three. That extra work, and with the having to lie about this [tragedy] to their ... kids, they want some answers."

Pederson continued, "These [parents] are causing an uproar over the possibility of foul play. Personally, I don't buy it, the man was a goddamned saint. But just to make sure we have questioned anyone with a grudge or anyone who might have profited from icing the fat man. So far the only suspect we have taken in for questioning is one Mr. Jesus H. Christ.

Jesus released the following statement to the press following the 17-hour questioning period.

"I must admit my concern was growing about the blaspheming of my holy days, but I forgive. That's my gig. I am shocked you are even accusing me, I mean, a small prop plane, inexperienced pilot and a winter snowstorm in Iowa in February? That's no miracle. Besides, what could I possibly have against the Tooth Fairy? Granted, it smacks of paganism, but we're not really in competing markets. Santa and the bunny trespassed against me, but I forgave them. I'm no killer."

His father is quoted as saying, "I rejoice that the minions of Satan have gone to join their master. They have sinned in mine eyes and lo! they have tasted the cold steel of vengeance come forth full force upon them! For I am thy master and ye shall have no gods before me, no jolly elves nor egg-laying rabbits. Especially no fairies. The war hath come for the souls of the unconverted and the rivers and oceans will turn red then black with the blood of those who will not join us."

Jesus when later notified of his father's potentially incriminating quote: "Hey, that's just Dad. You know how hard core Old Testament he is. But that's just it, he's old school. If they died in a plague of locusts, sure, but a plane crash is not his style. Doesn't even believe in the airplane, something about giving them wings if he wanted them to fly. It's kinda embarrassing, but hey, you gotta love the guy. Created the universe and all."

Official investigations have ended, and the Cerro Gordo county offices have declared the investigation over in the following statement: "The Santa crash was an accident. All rumors otherwise are simply that. Rumors."

I can't remember if I cried when I read about poor Mrs. Claus, but something touched me deep inside the day my brother told me Santa died.


jamwall said...

Wierd that Buddy Holly, Freddie Prinze and the Big Whopper died the same way.

slappy said...

It wasn't Freddie Prinze, it was Lou Diamond Phillips.