Saturday, December 08, 2007

Campaign 2008

Mitt Romney, formerly of the Massachusetts Douchebag Party (where he took over the position of Vice Douche from John Kerry), now is fighting to be taken seriously in the Republican Party. Apparently the whole Mormon thing scares the hell out of a lot of Americans. I don't know, I grew up with a lot of Mormons and thought they were very nice, very clean, very blonde people. Maybe it's the tithing. GOP voters may think that's too much like a tax.

Anyway, Mitt gave a religion speech recently (in entirety here), which was mostly written by performing a find and replace on Jack Kennedy's religion speech, switching out "Mormon" for "Catholic," "Prophet" for "Pope," and "secret underwear" for "satin panties." [Kennedy was a special kind of Catholic] Totally normal, run of the mill politics, until he decided to reach out to the religions of the world.
I believe that every faith I have encountered draws its adherents closer to God. And in every faith I have come to know, there are features I wish were in my own: I love the profound ceremony of the Catholic Mass, the approachability of God in the prayers of the Evangelicals, the tenderness of spirit among the Pentecostals, the confident independence of the Lutherans, the ancient traditions of the Jews, unchanged through the ages, and the commitment to frequent prayer of the Muslims.
Even though Huckabee forced me out of the race by snatching the Chuck Norris endorsement, I still plan on playing kingmaker - sort of like a less retarded Larry King. Well, I can't help but declare that Mitt Romney has eliminated himself from the race by confirming his douchebagishness once and for all. It's bad enough insulting everyone's intelligence by writing a Disney-esque ode to the religions of the western world, but damn. "Ancient traditions of the Jews"? Way to go for being old, my Jewish brothers!

But really it's the "frequent prayer" compliment for the Muslims that sets the speech apart. That sounds like what you say when you're congratulating everyone on the team for a job well done, and then you end on the guy who showed up drunk to every meeting and relieved himself on the final draft of the report. "And Pantsless Bob... you were... frequently... around."

I only want Mitt to stay in the race long enough to give a similar speech on the races of the world. I look forward to him complimenting Asians on their ability to do trig and calculus, Hispanics on their spicy fourthmeal, Blacks on their awesome booty, and Samoans on their dominant line play in the NFL.

6 comments:

Tits McGee said...

Best. Political commentary. Ever.

Carl Spackler said...

i think religion has NO place in politics whatsoever.

thats why i can't stand the Christian Coalition and other similar groups.

we need to run this country like a business not like a church.

slappy said...

Tits: Thank you. As always, you please me.

Carl: How about Scientology? Then we could run the country like a business AND a church.

I was pleased when after the faith-based Bush initiatives, churches figured out that the 1st amendment also serves to protect religion FROM politics.

Ɯbermilf said...

I demand real answers from candidates. Like, what the hell kind of name is "Mitt?"

amera hearts said...

i would have to agree with carl's comment.

you should be in utah right now where mitt romney is everywhere. it's crazy. everyone loves him.

slappy said...

Ubie: Yeah, I think we need a "no dumb first name for presidents" amendment to the Constitution. Of course, that would further impede the quest to become President Slappy.

Amera: Utah's crazier than usual?