Friday, October 12, 2007

What the world needs now, is guns sweet guns...

Thousands of deaths each year are caused by guns in the United States. While many see this as a tragic loss of life and a sign that our society is becoming ever more violent, I see it as progress. What kind of country would we be if our citizenry didn't use the most efficient tools at its disposal to do its murdering? There is so much murdering to be done, and so little time to do it. Without guns, it would be damn near impossible to achieve all of that murder.

Those poor countries with stricter gun laws than we have in the United States can't even compete with our murder of scale. For instance, some pathetic loser in Germany would have to resort to running his victim over with his automobile if he wanted to murder as efficiently as someone with a gun. And who would want to risk a new paint job? On a Mercedes, it most certainly wouldn't be worth it.

The dumb sap in Germany would then be reduced to using a sabre or nunchuks or some other prehistoric murdering implement. Who wants to fence someone in order to kill them? And have you ever tried to use nunchuks? You're as likely to injure yourself as you are the person you're trying to murder. Plain and simple, that just isn't good murdering.

Many people in the United States lament the loss of the old days when murder was a personal affair. You really got to know your victim when you murdered with garotte wire, and you could add that personal touch.

Well I hate to break it those people, but we just can't hold the majority of murderers back for a few Luddites worried about the quality of murder. We live in an age of progress and efficiency, and all those mom and pop murderers out there should just fade away if they can't compete. The people deserve Wal Mart style murdering - cheap, efficient, and in bulk. We can't just stop time because a few people lose their jobs as murderers. That's just not, nor should it be, the American Way.

And in this day of venereal disease, who wants to risk getting covered in the victim's blood? You don't know where the victim has been. If they've been to Britain, they might have Mad Cow Disease. Play it safe when you're murdering. Use a gun!

6 comments:

jamwall said...

Unless mom and pop are more like Peter Lorre, then you could "slip someone a Mickey" or put scorpions in their underwear.

Carl Spackler said...

you won me over when you used the word Luddite.

you are a true genius!

Ɯbermilf said...

what about pushing people out of windows? That's underrated.

miss kendra said...

the vd part was where you won me.

ew, germs!

amera hearts said...

al gore was awarded the nobel peace prize. what else can happen today that bogels my mind?!?!?

Scarlet Hip said...

You are a true patriot. In your honor I'm going to sing the national anthem in my American flag underpants.