Monday, August 06, 2007

An open letter to Mike Tyson

A while back we tried to give our friend Mike Tyson some help. He has yet to return our calls. So we try again.

Well Mike, you find yourself in a bit of a predicament. You are tens of millions of dollars in debt. That's about an order of magnitude past absurd. Even assuming you can consolidate it at a good rate, it's still hard to find work that can pay off thirty million and still leave you enough time to retire at a reasonable age. The obvious answer would be boxing, but your boxing comeback ended in a humiliating No Más fashion, in which you proved you lacked the skills, practice, stamina, and/or grasp on reality to beat an inferior opponent. In the past, that would mean a descent into obscurity with intermittent surfacing for minor legal scrapes. But you are living in the Golden Age of humiliation television. If Fridge Perry can fight Manute Bol on television for money, you will end up fighting again to repay the people who now own you.

Since you have clearly lost all of your abilities as a boxer, you have to fall back on your remaining marketable assets: you are the craziest of the tough, and the toughest of the crazy. So it should come as no surprise to you that someday very soon, a man will call you up and offer you one million dollars to fight a bear.

And when that inevitable day comes, I want you to think better of yourself, and think of greater things you can accomplish. I am of course referring to a single-elimination tournament where you are entered against some of the more fierce and deadly creatures in the animal kingdom.

Establishing the participants and seeding of this man versus beast tournament is no easy task, even after reducing the pool to land-based, roughly man-sized animals. I recommend you contact the NCAA Selection Committee, which does a fine job with a similarly difficult task of establishing the 65-team field for the basketball tournament. In addition, they are basically out of work for ten or eleven months out of the year. Here's a rough idea of what it would look like:

This bracket has it all: the Cinderellas waiting to get crushed in the first round, an intriguing 4-5 matchup with serious 2nd round upset potential, and an emu. People will be debating the seeding for weeks: whether the kangaroo was placed too highly due to a history of boxing men, even though historical performance shouldn't affect the seeding; whether another beast should have earned the wolverine's spot; or if you should have made the top seed. This alone will drum up interest in the event and guarantee huge pay-per-view earnings.

Now finding a site for this event will be a challenge. Atlantic City is out, Vegas might have in the mob days, but now there's little chance on or off the Strip. Not even Reno would take it, and they're Reno. But if you were to launch a floating casino on a barge of some sort and get it out into international waters, Golden Palace would probably sponsor the event. They spend all their time and money buying things like the Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich, so you have to figure they'd jump at an actual business venture. This project melds the most despicable attributes of reality television and the Internet, and if I've learned anything, that combination means money. Crazy money.


jamwall said...

Jim Fowler could kick all their asses! Why just yesterday, while Jim wrestled the kodiak bear, I watched from the safety of the helicopter.

Spinning Girl said...

That "elimination tree" had me rolling. In tears, mind you! I am curious as to whether the emu will emerge victorious.

B.E. Earl said...

I see a first round upset (minor) in the chimp vs. orangutan (sp?)

They may be smaller, but they got crazy phat airplane flying skillz. It's Project X.

slappy said...

Jammer: The kodiak was just messing around.

Spinner: Thank you. The emu is definitely a dark horse. Vicious bird.

Earl: I actually was thinking more of the primate over kodiak second round upset. I give the orang props based on Discworld, and the chimp based on Project X and that Eastwood movie.

B.E. Earl said...

Wasn't Clyde played by an orang?

Well, 2 orangs. They had to use a different one for the sequel.

Bonus trivia: The second "Clyde" died of a cerebral hemorrhage 2 weeks after "Any Which Way You Can" wrapped. So says the great IMDB!

slappy said...

Crimony, you're right. My primate in movie references are crap lately.

Next thing you know I'll be tossing Wizard of Oz references around even though those were monkeys and not even apes.

Did they dedicate the sequel to the memory of Clyde I?

Nick said...

Can Michael Vick be the host?