Wednesday, August 01, 2007

The Lost Andy Rooney Transcripts

Andy Rooney has been giving his views on 60 Minutes for almost three decades. Sometimes insightful, sometimes delightful, always hilarious, Andy Rooney came to embody observational comedy for everyone that has never heard of Jerry Seinfeld. Not all of his musings made it on air, however, including this transcript that failed to get past the censors.

Why the money shot? I have been watching pornographic films for fifty years and I still can't figure out why every scene has to end with the man expelling his semen all over the woman's face or bosoms. It has become so ingrained in the pornographic tradition that no one ever asks what the point is.

Is it to emphasize the genuineness of the sexual act we are witnessing? I'm not sure about that. The close up penetration shots seem to accomplish that just fine. Perhaps it has to do with the direct appeal of the bodily fluid, but if so wouldn't the money shot be more of a niche market, like squirters or golden showers?

But rather than a niche market, the money shot is a convention, much like the close up shot from behind of doggystyle action that really only shows the man's testicles. It's not an attractive shot, but it's there because it's always there. No one thinks it's hot. Not even Prince, who is a pansexual, which I believe means he would have sex with a man who was also half goat.

Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy the pornographic industry immensely. They do a fine job, and are a symbol of the invention and innovation that used to be found in a lot more places in this country way back when. But if anyone out there figures out why there's a money shot at the end of every film, could you let me know? I've been trying to figure it out for a while.


mark said...

I agree with you. There is one female porn director out there that actually allows the guys to cum inside the vagina that they are pounding. She has strict rules about what she will allow in her films. No violence is permitted and also nothing allowed that would denigrate a woman. The women are allowed to choose the sex positions and the orgasms focused on the gals. It's really a very refreshing change of pace.

Carl Spackler said...

do you ever notice that most guys in porn shave off all of their pubes?

do you think chicks like that in real life?

jamwall said...

Just when I'm trying to quit masturbating to Andy Rooney.

Thanks a LOT!

slappy said...

Jammer, we all know you never really meant you were giving up Andy Rooney. You drawn to him, like moth to flame.

Nick said...

Just what we needed, equality in porn. Can't there be one last bastion of good old American denigration of women? You've already taken the work place back, can't you leave us be!?

Panpsychist said...

Ah, the money shot; ok here is my take on it. Blame it on clowns, yes I said it clowns; someone has to speak the truth regardless of how blunt and painful it may be.

All of us saw clowns as kids: at the circus, on TV, at parties. And what is the big finale of that whorish-looking-flamboyantly-dressed- contorted-faced thing at the end of the show?

You guessed it, a big spraying fountain of scarfs, confetti and anything else that honking freak can stuff into his "pipe-loader".

Images like that scar...ummm stay with a person for life. Then one starts doing the sloppy pubis bone slap happy dance, buys a video camera and all those images of spewing trinkets rush back like a feverish DMT peak.

I know, I know, it is a "hard" thing to come to grips with, but the truth will set us free people!

Spinning Girl said...

How come you don't mention plushophilia?

slappy said...

I think we may have a great Lincoln-Douglas debate on our hands. Denigration of women: Mark will take the con, Nick the pro.

Panner: So much can be blamed on clowns. Like global warming. Little known fact that each pie thrown leads to the emission of 5 tonnes of CO2. Yeah, tonne. At, we've gone metric.

Spinner: Is that the love of stuffed animals or the love of luxurious couches? Either way, I am so in.

Panpsychist said...

Well, spinning girl, you just had to go there didn't you? I purposely left out the warm and fuzzy world of plushophilia.

But now that we are in the midst of this (*coughs and spits out acrylic lint*) furry issue then we may as well dive ears first into the matter.

Oh Hell! Now my 4 foot, (oh, sorry slappy, I meant my 1.21920 meter) Tye Dye Giraffe is giving me that come hither look.

Gotta cut this short, but just remember the timeless words of Foxwolfie Galen: "I absolutely do not agree with how the Vanity Fair article turned out... there are things in there that I did not say, and many other things that are twisted. They conveniently omitted the several times that I specifically said that my plushophilia has nothing to do with the furry fandom as practiced by most other people."

Wiser words have never been sputtered.

Now excuse me while I go and do things to this slutty Giraffe that would make Mephistopheles blush.

Spinning Girl said...

p.s. Porn is gross.

Just for the record.