Wednesday, August 29, 2007

"I take a wide stance" by Senator Larry Craig

I am not gay, and never have been. I am the victim of a witch hunt... A witch hunt against people that eat a lot of fiber.

Because I eat a lot of fiber, I have to take a wide stance when I take a massive dump. The wide stance increases the power I can bring to bear. And honestly when that turd just won't cooperate, I need every megapascal of pressure that the wide stance affords me.

Apparently, in some perverse circles, taking a wide stance in a public bathroom is somehow indicative of a request for sex. Can you believe that? It's so disgusting!

When I'm really applying the intestinal pressure, I shake and tap my foot. It's absurd that such a completely normal reaction to the stress I'm putting on my body could be misconstrued as requesting sex!

And when I really have to go deep down inside myself to force out a monster turd, I shout phrases like, "I am requesting gay sex!" How my shouting of the phrase, "I am requesting gay sex!" could ever be construed as a request for sex, I'll never know.

8 comments:

jamwall said...

He's not gay, just a straight man who likes being slapped in the face with a penis.

I had no idea MSP Airport was considered the "bath-house" of major metropolitan airports. I would have otherwise hung around the stalls with my camera more often.

slappy said...

I believe this is the first use of the unit megapascal on blogger.com.

Ɯbermilf said...

Jamwall, I thought you WERE the reason MSP airport was considered thusly.

B.E. Earl said...

His mugshot screams "Repressed Homo Urges".

Is it wrong that I'm so attracted?

Scarlet Hip said...

I am so glad you explained this. It all makes sense now.

Lee Ann said...

I must have been living on the other side of this world....I feel so innocent and out of the know. Who would ever know to tap their foot on the foot of the person in the stall next to you to get sex? Seriously, how would you ever find that out?

slappy said...

Do you think he checked out the guy going into the stall, or is it more of an "I'll have sex with anything" kind of offer?

amera hearts said...

through im today, (yes i leanred how to use msn messenger this week)my friend told me that when she was poo-ing at work she pushed really hard and her back cracked so loud the woman next to her banged on the door and asked if she was okay.

weird.