Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Zen and the art of dishwasher loading

There are no meaningful aspects of my life over which I have complete control. For example, some of my self-worth (actually all of my self-worth) is tied into making people laugh, but I can't control whether people will chuckle at my jokes. All I can do is tell the joke and run for cover.

I don't even have control over my own body. Those autonomous forces that pump blood to my brain or move food around my gut could arrest control from me at any moment. This explains yesterday's diarrhea in the pool.

However, I exert total control over the arrangement of dishes in the dishwasher. I make the dishes suffer my every whim as I move the plates and glasses around and around. As their fickle emperor, I take my time, and much like Nero, I'm doing it for their own good.

Close attention is warranted because of the complexity of the dishwasher loading equation. Sloppily overload the dishwasher, and nothing gets cleaned. Load too few dishes into the dishwasher, and it wastes energy, thereby helping the terrorists win.

Seen in this light, loading the dishwasher starts to look a little like one of those meaningful-yet-rebellious aspects of my life in that it requires a delicate balancing of competing constraints. Should I work or play? Look for sex or love? Masturbate or eat cheetos? There are trade-offs between every activity in life and I have control over so few of the variables in the equations.

Since the dishwasher loading equation is the only aspect of my life that I can truly optimize, is it any wonder that I take my time?


TastyMcJ said...

I'm excited that you also cobbled together a coherent poll.

...Though I still stand by my previous suggestion of 'Miscountant'.

At least people like my CPA-hole joke.

It's nice to have self worth.

miss kendra said...

this is why i do drugs.

Carl Spackler said...

A "Fucking" men.

i am so glad there is someone else out there who shares similar views about dishwasher loading.

i can't tell you how important it is to make sure dishes put in properly. it drives me up the wall when people just cram as much stuff as possible in there. i also like to pre-wash my dishes and utencils before putting them in so they get really clean.

so may think of me as the Dishwasher Natzi...but i think of it as common courtesy.

jamwall said...

Masturbating and eating Cheetos didn't work out well for me. I had my pants down, there was cheese powder all over me from head to toe. Plus, the shopping mall where I was at the time didn't have a fountain pool where I could wash myself off.

amera hearts said...

could you draw me a diagram? i'm confused.

i LOVE loading and unloading the dishwasher. it's relaxing for some reason.....

Tits McGee said...

If you said anything after "diarrhea in the pool," I missed it, because I was too busy throwing up.