Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Ultimate Fighting: The New Copernicus!

Ultimate fighting is the most challenging, as well as the most misunderstood sport today. It is challenging because one must become proficient at multiple techniques, combining them into a single complete art. Thus ultimate fighting truly is the thinking man’s televised beating. Much like a chess match, but with slightly less blood-letting.

But in sharp contrast to the truth, critics often have the confused and inaccurate perception that ultimate fighting is mindless, no holds barred brutality like street fighting. This is certainly incorrect as many holds are certainly barred. Some critics go as far as calling ultimate fighting “human cockfighting” which is insulting not only to the athletes, but to all the good men and women that are enthusiasts of actual chicken-based cockfighting.

Others not bothered by the violence criticize ultimate fighting as a display of latent homosexuality. These homophobes see one man in between the legs of another man, with his face buried in the other’s chest and can only see it as frustrated attempts at lovemaking. Such critics also go as far as calling ultimate fighting “human cockfighting”.

These critics expose their homophobia because there is nothing homoerotic about ultimate fighting. Let me repeat. Ultimate fighting is not a repressed expression of homosexual tendencies. And if I ever catch someone saying something to that effect, I’m gonna kill that fucking faggot!

There Are Rules: No Really, There Are Rules.

Many people think that ultimate fighting is uncontrolled, drunken Irish brawling. Nothing could be further from the truth as the sport is very closely regulated. For example, a fighter cannot bite or gouge an opponent’s eye. A fighter cannot use weapons, not even a gun. A fighter cannot murder their opponent. A fighter can’t even call the opponent’s house and ask if their refrigerator is running.

In fact, some pussies have even started calling it “Mixed Martial Arts” instead of ultimate fighting precisely because so many holds are barred. Could there be anything more civil than ultimate fighting? Not afternoon tea, you queers.

The Complete Fighter: That’s Right. Boxing Is For Pussies.

There are three modes of fighting in ultimate fighting:
  1. Standup: Beating the shit out of your opponent at a distance of a few feet.
  2. Clinch: Beating the shit out of your opponent when they are right next to you.
  3. Grappling: Beating the shit out of your opponent when you are both on the ground.
There are two primary kinds of grappling used in ultimate fighting: wrestling and Brazilian jiujitsu. The wrestlers control their opponents on the ground long enough to hurt them with strikes. Their style is called, “Ground and Pound”. The gay jokes you are making aren’t funny, by the way.

BJJ: One letter more than a blowjob

Brazilian jiu-jitsu is the Brazilian variant of the traditional Japanese martial art, battle tested on the violent streets of Rio de Janeiro. Brazilian jiu-jitsu is one of the most powerful and complex aspects of ultimate fighting. A jiu-jitsu practitioner with good technique can control and defeat a fighter much larger in size. But because the system is rather subtle, is can be hard for a beginner to understand the battle for positioning. Some faggots even consider it boring.

Because of this I am going to take this opportunity to show you some pictures of jiu-jitsu positioning so that you can gain some insight into the sport. Now one thing you must remember: There is nothing gay about these positions; nothing gay at all.

The Guard: The person on the bottom has his opponent in the guard. You can see this because he has wrapped his legs around his opponent to keep him close to his body. While the guard is primarily a defensive position, if the person on top is not careful, they can be submitted via choke or application of pressure to a limb. Remember, there is nothing sexual about this position, whatsoever.

The triangle choke is a submission in which the legs of the man on the bottom are wrapped around the head of the man on top, thereby suffocating the person on top. I know this one looks kind of sexual, but it’s not, you fags.

The Mount: The mount is the worst... Ok. I give up. There’s no way this doesn’t look gay. It’s called the mount, for pete’s sake! You win, queers.

Finish Him

In conclusion, I just want to reiterate that ultimate fighting is not about drunken, no holds barred street fighting. As it turns out, it’s about repressed homosexual tendencies being manifested as physical competition that mimics gay sex. And much like gay sex, it’s smart, the acts of strength and agility are amazing, and it’s extremely compelling to watch.


Lilly said...

Jiggs, I've been looking at the pictures you've posted....are you a poof?

Carl Spackler said...

"it turns out, it’s about repressed homosexual tendencies being manifested as physical competition that mimics gay sex. And much like gay sex, it’s smart, the acts of strength and agility are amazing, and it’s extremely compelling to watch."

i think you are a literary genius. this is one of your best comments ever.

Carl Spackler said...

seriously, i haven't stopped laughing yet.

this is a literary masterpiece.

i find it especially funny because some of my loser friends like UFC.

i may read this to them. on second thought, what if they get upset and try to "mount" me?!?!?

jamwall said...

I once went to an Ultimate Fighter tryout. I wanted to look really badass so I arrived with the black leather pants, no shirt, with metal chain suspenders and a couple of nipple piercings. I also wore one of those biker leather captain hats.

They never mentioned my guns, but kept commenting that my lips were pouty and slightly moist.

Plus, that mounting position hurt after the 9th time.

miss kendra said...

carl is correct, this is genius level.

Tits McGee said...

I totally need some "quiet time" now.

Nick said...

Carl is the best. "some of my loser friends..."