Thursday, July 26, 2007

Little Known Facts

The human brain is 90% fat and water, just like you, Tubby.

Unpopped kernels of popcorn will not pop if you put them in the microwave a second time. Lacking water to moderate the effects of the microwave radiation on the starches in the kernel, they will explode with the force of a thousand suns.

While it is true that an ant can lift 50 times his own body weight, he has very poor cardio.

93% of people live their lives in quiet desperation.

Everybody knows about town names like Blue Ball, PA, and Hell, MI, but perhaps the strangest town name is Stupid Motherfucker, WV, pop. 2870.

The greatest town in all the world is actually Baton Rouge.

The Caspian Sea is really a lake. Similarly, the Cuyahoga River is really a festering channel of vile sludge.

Mixing bleach and ammonia is quite dangerous, as these chemicals will result in the secret formula for Coca-Cola, which can rot your teeth.

The average size of the adult male's penis is 3.4 inches, according to the Bureau for Increasing Self-Esteem.

Ice will melt faster if you pour salt on it. Ice will also melt faster if you douse it with gasoline and light a match.

The earth is eight light-minutes away from the sun. If the sun suddenly extinguished now, we would not be aware of it until eight minutes later, which is why physicists live in a constant, unyielding state of fear.

The life of Robert Leroy Parker, aka Butch Cassidy, has been somewhat distorted by Hollywood. He only killed six people in his career as an outlaw, but he could fly and shoot laser beams out of his fists.

Actually, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus.

It is said that hell is other people. Actually hell is other people stabbing you with pitchforks in the eternal fires of damnation.

Chinese is not one language, but a family of seven distinct language groups. Apparently the Chinese also have a very rich culture.

The greatest actor of all time is Gerard Depardieu. He is so skilled that most of the public is convinced that he is French.

The state bird of California is the quail.

The story of George Washington and the cherry tree is just a myth. There never was a
man named George Washington.

Fried food is bad for your health, but is actually quite tasty.

The truth is not beauty, nor is beauty truth.

Cigarette makers add nicotine to their products. They also add tobacco, a known carcinogen.

Man cannot live on bread alone. Man also needs water and shelter of some sort.

Second only to public speaking in people's fears is being poked in the eye with a sharp stick.

The first draft of Hamlet was actually a comedy about a prince of Denmark driven so mad by his mother's remarriage after his father's death that he starts having conversations with a 6'3" rabbit named Hamlet that only he can see.

Lake Superior contains 3,350 trillion gallons of water. To put that into perspective, if each gallon of water was sold for one dollar, that would be 3,350 trillion dollars.

The least important demographic to advertisers is transsexual Luddites aged 85-100.

Teflon does not bond to anything except Teflon, so the way manufacturers attach it to a pan is by coating a rough surface with Teflon, filling the abrasions until the Teflon becomes lodged, and then sticking layers of Teflon on top. Another means to coat a pan is by successive layers with increasing concentrations of Teflon, culminating in a pure Teflon layer.

The airplane's "black box" is actually orange so authorities can locate it in a crash. A black bear, on the other hand, is black.

It is said that Love is the greatest gift of all, unless you could somehow have Love dipped in gold and encrusted with diamonds.

The first Thanksgiving dinner consisted of venison, ducks, fish, lobster, corn, squash, plums, berries, and the blood of the innocent.


Spinning Girl said...

This totally made my day. Laughed OUT. LOUD.

Also, aren't black bears brown?

And why do we insist upon dressing like bears? (

Nick said...

Fuck the quail.

Ɯbermilf said...

You know very well that Santa DOES SO exist.

Please issue an immediate retraction or I will blow you up with my cupcake bombs.

slappy said...

Spinner: I think you're thinking of brown bears. I saw a black bear once. Definitely black.

Nick: Hey, our quail will fuck you up... aw who am I kidding? Our state bird is a total pansy. Our state fossil, though, is the sabre tooth tiger. Bad ass.

Ubie: I still maintain that wasn't St. Nick, but Carl in costume. He gets off on dressing up in holiday themes and getting savagely beaten.

So I hear.

jamwall said...

I'd rather have love dipped in Magic Shell dessert topping and powdered with Comet cleanser.

Nick said...

I wish someone would blow me up with cupcake bombs.

miss kendra said...

cupcake bombs are the bomb.

oh wow, did i really just say that?

amera hearts said...

i loved this post and after a few days from hell, i laughed. thank you!