Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Ending American Oil Dependence

The LiveEarth concert over the weekend reminded me of this classic piece describing how we can end American oil dependence. In addition to the comments, you can add your two cents on the environment in our new Smoking Poll in our left sidebar. Enjoy:

I have come up with the perfect plan to end American dependence on foreign oil. In fact, the plan almost seems too perfect because it has neither moral nor scientific drawbacks. I propose we tap into the vast renewable energy resource that has until now provided no benefit to this country: peace activists. We need to start converting peace activists into oil immediately.

Like most great ideas, my plan to convert peace activists into oil seems obvious in hindsight. America has two things that it doesn't need: High gas prices and peace activists. Why not kill two birds with one stone? Or rather, why not kill two peace activists with a process called thermal depolymerization?

Thermal depolymerization is a high-pressure, high-temperature process that converts a mass of long carbon chains (like a peace activist) into shorter carbon chains (like oil). When it is applied to two peace activists, you get a double bonus because in addition to generating over 8 gallons of black gold, you would also have two dead peace activists.

Now I know what you're thinking: How could I possibly think that these machines could be used on peace activists? With their dreadlocks, hackey sacks and many unflattering odors, wouldn't peace activists cause trouble for the thermal depolymerization process?

As it turns out, thermal depolymerization is extremely robust and can even turn turkey shit into oil. And if thermal depolymerization can convert turkey shit into oil, it will have no problem with your average unkempt peace activist, regardless of the number of protests he has danced in or how much turkey shit he has rolled around in.

And when my plan comes to fruition, just think of how satisfying it will be to drive through the wilderness, perhaps pausing for a few moments to idle your hummer over an ancient Native American burial ground. No matter whose grave you disturb, you'll always know that your hummer is powered by dead peace activists.

After years of listening to the poorly thought-out chant "No blood for oil", we can finally achieve the dream of "Peace activist blood for oil."

8,000 gallons of oil from this crowd could drive one Hummer almost 4 times around the world.


Nick said...

This sounds like one of McDougal's crackpot ideas.

Tits McGee said...


miss kendra said...


hippies for oil!

ew, what if our exhaust stank of patchouli though? are we willing to take that risk???

slappy said...

Once again, if you need help in constructing your hydrothermal hippie-to-oil plant, I'll gladly consult.

The advantage of the process is that it converts biomass into diesel or gasoline, eliminating the patchouli-stink. You wouldn't have weird odors like you get for biodiesel.

I am thinking about this too much.

Ɯbermilf said...

Teens seem to have more oil; we should use them.

amera hearts said...

jiggs, i love how your mind works!

Lilly said...

Very good -- made me laugh :-D
Good luck with the project!

jamwall said...

i hope they do something. i can only drive my mega-hummer one block at a time before it blows through a whole tank of gas.