Monday, June 25, 2007


A friend of mine from grad school got married on Saturday, and it was a fairly normal Boston wedding - everybody showing up late due to construction on key roads approaching the church, bridesmaid reading Song of Songs while completely unable to hold back the tears, a surprisingly funny priest. Even though the reception was held in a banquet hall on the MIT campus (only the best), it was pretty normal too - dinner took a couple hours to get served and the speeches were dragging along while we looked longingly at the cake.

But there was something special in the air. We didn't even really notice when the bride yelled across the room at the best man when he started telling a story about how the couple got engaged. At first when we heard the groom and the bride would give speeches we thought, "Hey, that's more delay between us and cake. What the hell?" Then the bride got the microphone.

It started with "I've had a lot of champagne." Then it rambled around for a while with choice lines like "[The best man] wanted to tell this story, but I wanted to tell it. It's my special day, and, yeah. So I'm going to tell it." A couple good embarrassing stories followed, and it closed with "I've had a lot of champagne." Any wedding speech where the speaker has a 50% chance of either passing out or even just wandering off, that's a good one.

To top it off, the groom's mother gave a speech about her little boy. Either she was drunk too or just very innocent-minded, because she told the story of her little boy's two nicknames growing up. When he was a kid, they called him Ball because he loved sports so much. Later on in high school his friends found out that Fuzzy was a family nickname, and it stuck. So for the rest of his life now, everyone at the wedding will be calling the man Fuzzy Balls.


B.E. Earl said...

I've got a friend named fuzzy balls, and he lives in my pants.

Nick said...

God, I hate weddings.

Carl Spackler said...

i love weddings. although, i'll refuse to attend any wedding that doesn't have alcohol.

my sister contemplated having a cash bar at her wedding and i told her i would not attend. she thought i was kidding but i wasn't. she later gave in changed her mind. true story!

miss kendra said...

i like weddings except for the people. the food and booze and decorations are cool though.

Ɯbermilf said...

I went to Wisconsin and I came back.

jamwall said...

i didn't know that i used the garter for self-asphyxiation gratification in front of the bride and groom's parents, i was wasted.

slappy said...

Earl: Hey! You stole my best pickup line.

Nick: They do suck.

Carl: The on-campus reception actually helped. For a cash bar, the paperwork is 10 pages, for an open bar, 1 page.

Kendra: You may be onto something. If weddings didn't have people, but did have the decorations and open bar, maybe we'd all like them more.

Ubie: I'm glad you came back. Did you go to Madison? That's a nice town.

Jammer: The worst part was that the bride was still wearing the garter. Heyo!

amera hearts said...

that's awesome.

at my sisters wedding her husbands sister was so shit faced she told the story of how he lost his virginity and when people would try to take the mike from her (it was a long story) she would yell, "fuck off you bastard". this is funny because my sister in law DOES NOT swear. she will shit her pants if you say asshole. anyway. funny all around!