Thursday, June 07, 2007

A new archnemesis

My workplace is the second to last business on the street in an industrial park 30 minutes outside of Boston. The business at the dead end looks like all the other buildings, but it claims to be the "Global Headquarters" of some generically named company. After months of contemplation, I have concluded that they are clearly a front for a Bond-movie-type supervillian.

There's plenty of evidence. First, they're the global headquarters? Right. "We have branches in New York, Zurich, London, Lagos, Mumbai, Beijing, Melbourne, Santiago, and our global headquarters is in Billerica, Massachusetts." (That's pronounced BILL-rih-cah, or if you're local, Brickah)

Second, I never see more than one car go by to the building on a given day, and when I ride by on my bike at 4pm, there are no cars in the parking lot. Anybody commuting there must be doing so either by secret underground tunnel or jetpack. Either way, definite evidence of supervillainry.

Third, they are located on top of a small hill. You of course are aware that if one was constructing a weather manipulation device or a control tower for a space-based laser weapon, you would want to be on top of a hill.

If only Jiggs Man, Sexy Sancho Panza, and/or The Whirling Dreidel of Death would save the world from their dastardly plans!


Ɯbermilf said...

You are also describing Willy Wonka's operation. Perhaps there are oompah loompahs inside.

jamwall said...

if i were james bond i would destroy their operations by setting off somekind of chain reaction explosion.

but only after banging at least 3 chicks.

miss kendra said...

there's nothing good in billerica.

amera hearts said...

Is Oprah the CEO and President?

Are the windows darkened so no one can see in?

I think you should stealthy try and get into the building or have a covert mission around midnight or so to see if anyone/anything is out and about.

Try and gets pics of people's faces. That way I can run them on my program to see if they are well known super villians or drug dealers!

slappy said...

Ubie: Good point. I need to do some recon.

Jammer: That's more or less how Jiggs Man and company operate, but with a lot of sobbing in between the banging and the explosions.

Kendra: Well, it beats working in West Virginia. Actually, I think that's the town motto: "Better than West Virginia."

Amera: If she is, I'm not going to fuck with her. My stealth mission might be hindered by my tendency to hum the Mission Impossible theme when I'm being stealthy.