Thursday, June 21, 2007

Double-0 Double-U

An open letter to liberals everywhere:

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to call off the hounds. We have been clamoring for the impeachment of George W. Bush, but recent documents that fell into my possession have convinced me that our vitriol and bile have been misspent. George W. Bush is the greatest liberal America has produced in the last 100 years. After skillfully infiltrating the GOP, it took him only 6 years to destroy neoconservatism and compassionate conservatism, leaving Republicans with only paleoconservatism. And you know that a significant fraction of conservatives don't like anything with "paleo" in the title.

In the weeks and months following the September 11 bombings, the right was startled out of their traditional isolationist roles and began demanding revenge on the Muslim world. They wanted to invade and remake the Middle East in our image. Others wanted to transform the military into a sexy, Hollywood fighting force consisting of a million jet fighters and five commandos on the ground. George Bush realized there was no better way to illustrate the folly of these ideas than invading Iraq with a third of the troops needed to secure the country.

On the domestic front, George Bush sought to completely change the playing field for the two major political parties. For most of the 20th century, the Republican Party was the party of smaller government and the Democratic Party was the party of larger government. This meant that voters trusted the Democrats to provide social services and the Republicans to lower taxes and spending. It took years of runaway federal budgets and a massive accumulation of foreign-held debt, but he managed to give the Democratic Party the mantle of fiscal responsibility.

The other virtue of Republican government has always been that the corporate organizational structure of their cabinets gave them an image of efficiency and discipline. Valerie Plame, the attorney firings, unprecedented secrecy, wiretaps, Abu Ghraib, North Korea, and Katrina just serve to highlight and accentuate the colossal blunders of Iraq and the budget, like some kind of fuckup parsley. It got so bad in 2006 the Republicans lost both houses of Congress due to the strategic mastery of Howard Dean.

By now I'm sure a good fraction of the readers are skeptical. I can hear you saying, "Oh, how is it possible that Bush is a covert liberal agent? That's just madness! It doesn't make any sense." Yet here in 2007, with an unpopular war raging that cost his party Congress, how is he helping out his "fellow Republicans?" He's pushing hard for an immigration bill that the GOP base hates more than married gay stem cell researchers burning the flag. I say to you, skeptical reader, how is it possible that George Bush is anything but a covert liberal agent?

You should need no more proof than the following: His presidency has been so disastrous that whatever name is picked for the GOP candidate in 2008, national polls put that person in no better than a statistical dead heat with Hillary Clinton. Do you still doubt Bush's chops? This man has made Hillary Clinton electable.


Carl Spackler said...

i hope bloomberg runs. i'm sick of nothing getting done. we need someone who is not affiliated with a party and doesn't play the games that most politicians do.

amera hearts said...

it's sad, but i agree with carl. not sad because i agree with carl, but sad because i would want a non partied person to run.

what's the world coming to?

slappy said...

Here's a good Bloomberg scenario: Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic nomination and Newt Gingrich launches a late sprint campaign to take the GOP nod. I think a ham sandwich could win the presidency on a third party ballot there.

miss kendra said...

i didn't think this was possible, but that picture scares me just a little bit more.

jamwall said...

George W. Bush...that goddamn hippie!

Nick said...

I want to be the Ham Sandwich's running mate.

What scares me is that I might accidentally invoke the 25th amendment with a glass of milk and some Sun Chips.