Thursday, May 24, 2007

Open Letter: Satanism just isn't about Satan anymore

Youth these days assume that listening to Judas Priest or watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer automatically qualifies them to worship my dark prince. They pop up at our service on Sundays and treat it like it's some kind of big Satanic game. To be honest, I wouldn't be so fed up with them if there was one truly evil teenager in the bunch, but it's clear that all we get are misunderstood losers.

These misfits make it obvious from the way they dress that they consider the occult to be more of a social club like Greenpeace than their chance to serve the King of the Underworld. Well I have a message for Diane or Skippy or whatever the names of those Sunday Satanists are: A mohawk and a Satan tattoo doesn't make you a Satanist anymore than a stethoscope and a scalpel makes you a doctor. We need to stop accepting such riff-raff into our congregation and focus on doing the truly evil work Satan has planned for us.

Many of the Satanic congregation feel that I am over-reacting to this never-ending heathen onslaught, but how can they forget that our eternal damnation is at stake? How can we be so trifling as to let the primarily good encroach on our hallowed grounds? Must I remind the congregation of the very relevant passage from the Book of Barthok:

It was then that Lord Barthok was interrupted by noises from outside. In the adjacent field, a stray pair of sheep had began to forage. He pondered whether to close the temple windows and continue, But instead decided to sacrifice the innocent at the altar of Gorgon.
(Barthok 17:31)

Did Barthok let the innocent sheep destroy his temple service? Instead of closing the windows and trying to ignore the commotion caused by the innocents, he sacrificed them at the altar of Gorgon. Now I'm not saying that we ought to sacrifice all these Satanic infidels on the altar of Gorgon. but maybe sacrificing just a few of them will get the message across.

At any rate, as a congregation, I think we should try to put the Satan back into Satanism and stem the tide of insincere Satanists coming to our service. Granted we can't keep them out of the Berkeley High gymnasium when the service isn't in session, but when it is, we have every right. In fact, it is our responsibility. After all, we did pay the deposit on the room..

As a final word, the isolation that I am receiving from the congregation because of my hard stance on this issue is making it painfully obvious to me that Satanism just isn't about Satan anymore, but rather about making everyone feel evil, when they clearly are not. It's high time that we take our church out of the Yellow Pages, and instead focus on guaranteeing the damnation of each and every one of the true believers.

May Evil Be With You


slappy said...

Berkeley High is a pretty good location for Satanists.

miss kendra said...

so am i evil if i bought this evil tshirt at hot topic or what?

Kat said...

Did you take peyote recently?

brookelina said...

Can we watch Buffy at services?

Tits McGee said...

Though, as an atheist, I do not believe in your dark lord, I do think he's a lot hotter than that old dude with the white beard.

Maybe I just have a thing for forked tongues.