Monday, April 16, 2007

Jiggsinetics

In today’s hot fringe religion market, people ask me “Why Jiggsinetics? What does Jiggsinetcs have to offer me, the impressionable, spiritually empty fringe religion consumer?”

Jiggsinetics offers a sense of purpose in a frightening and ever-changing modern world, but what fringe religion doesn’t? We aim to take everything you expect of the fringe religion to the next level. To those ends we provide our worshippers with a full slate of straw men to blame their problems on. It’s more than just psychologists, or scientists, or secular humanists, or the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. It’s firemen, student loan officers, notaries public, hippies, or the checkout clerk at the Walmart.

Once we have centered your life by finding a suitable cast of faceless entities to assign your failings and shortcomings upon, there remains the fundamental question that everyone must ask of any religious philosophy: How will you improve my function in day-to-day life?

Jetpacks.

At the Jiggs Casey Institute we cover the major scientific disciplines, and some of our founders even have letters after their names. So you know we wouldn’t mess around with anything like this. I ask you, impressionable teenager in Oregon: Does Buddhism have jetpacks? Or you, Mormon in Salt Lake City: When you're sent on mission, do you get around with a jetpack, or on your feet like a sucker? And you, Muslim in London: Islam may be a religion of peace, but is it a religion of jetpacks?

We can be that religion. Salvation with jetpacks. Our top scientists have already designed a prototype, and are now perfecting an advanced model that doesn’t incinerate the operator’s ass.

13 comments:

amera hearts said...

awesome, where do i sign?

miss kendra said...

i want a jetpack so bad.

and i am willing to sacrifice my ass, fyi. it's nothing special anyway.

slappy said...

Amera: We're designing the Jiggsinetics uniforms, but it's going slow as we don't like any of the jumpsuits.

Kendra: You should never rely on your own negative opinions of your ass. You only see it in the mirror - usually at a weird angle. Trust more independent observations, like, say, the guys working at the construction site near your apartment.

Brookelina said...

My ass could actually use a little incineration.

Carl Spackler said...

can i join?

jamwall said...

i already propel myself through the air with my own gas.

Lee Ann said...

Whoa....that is awesome!

Übermilf said...

That looks like too much work. I'd rather have a flying carpet.

Does "Slappyism" offer a flying carpet? Preferably with a pillow attached?

Monkey said...

that flying carpet option is for me too. Thank you.

FRITZ said...

I just want a scooter with a place to put my coffee cup. Can Jetpacks also lift and separate size G breasts?

slappy said...

Brookie: Probably a bad idea unless you own a very comfortable couch.

Carl: As soon as we figure out how the tin foil helmets will look.

Jammer: We know. I've seen the full shot of that animated gif you use as an avatar. You're hovering two feet off the ground.

Lee Ann: Thank you.

Ubie: Slappyism is a political philosophy that is centered on the tenets of sarcasm and cynicism. No flying carpets, sadly.

Monkey: We'll need an extra safe jetpack for you. You seem like you would be more flammable than other jiggscasey.com readers.

Fritz: One jetpack can lift, but you need two to separate.

Monkey said...

Indeed. I am. You have no idea.

Micky said...

About 3 years ago I dropped into a black hole – four months of absolute terror. I wanted to end my life, but somehow [Holy Spirit], I reached out to a friend who took me to hospital. I had three visits [hospital] in four months – I actually thought I was in hell. I imagine I was going through some sort of metamorphosis [mental, physical & spiritual]. I had been seeing a therapist [1994] on a regular basis, up until this point in time. I actually thought I would be locked away – but the hospital staffs were very supportive [I had no control over my process]. I was released from hospital 16th September 1994, but my fear, pain & shame had only subsided a little. I remember this particular morning waking up [home] & my process would start up again [fear, pain, & shame]. No one could help me, not even my therapist [I was terrified]. I asked Jesus Christ to have mercy on me & forgive me my sins. Slowly, all my fear has dissipated & I believe Jesus delivered me from my “psychological prison.” I am a practicing Catholic & the Holy Spirit is my friend & strength; every day since then has been a joy & blessing. I deserve to go to hell for the life I have led, but Jesus through His sacrifice on the cross, delivered me from my inequities. John 3: 8, John 15: 26, are verses I can relate to, organically. He’s a real person who is with me all the time. I have so much joy & peace in my life, today, after a childhood spent in orphanages [England & Australia]. God LOVES me so much. Fear, pain, & shame, are no longer my constant companions. I just wanted to share my experience with you [Luke 8: 16 – 17].

Peace Be With You
Micky