Friday, March 02, 2007

The Slappy Platform: Social Issues

My fellow Americans, the central tenet to my social policy is the right to not give a shit. As long as you don't hurt people around you, and you don't interrupt my cartoons to tell me about it, you can do it.

You're gay and you want to get married? Fine. As long as I don't have to sit through the ceremony or buy you a $50 set of candlestick holders, I don't care. Three guys want to marry two girls? Fine with me, you filthy hippies. Two guys want to marry a goat? No, because the goat can't consent. Talking goat? That might be okay. We'll leave that to the Supreme Court.

But part of the right to not give a shit is the right to disapprove of other people. You can even hate on people. No one is allowed to force other people to accept their lifestyle. Timmy Hardaway is allowed to hate gay people. George Takei is allowed to mock him mercilessly. Actually, I support this kind of free dialogue because that's what America is all about, and it's always fun when someone famous makes an ass of themself.

The new church/state test will be one of equal time. If a town wants to put up a nativity scene because some Christians ask, that's fine as long as if some Jews want a Hanukkah shrub they get some love too. The city also has to put up something nice for Ramadan if the Muslims ask. And a little display for the Flying Spaghetti Monster if some douchebags ask. Nothing for Kwanzaa, though, because that's totally made up.

Medical issues such as abortion and euthanasia will be left to doctors and patients, not old lawyers on Capitol Hill. Anyone who is a medical doctor on the Hill who claims he can diagnose a brain-dead patient in Florida based on a few minutes of videotape will be forced to perform a find/replace on all of their official government biographies to switch every instance of "doctor" for "douchebag."

Marijuana: legal. Regulated and taxed like tobacco. For too long we have ignored a steady stream of tax revenue and unnecessarily punished the proprietors of late-night fast food establishments. Every other drug needs to be decriminalized. For people who get arrested for drug possession, I will focus our efforts on treatment, not incarceration. Addicts will be shown time lapse movies of Keith Richards from the 1960s to present day, and I'm talking eyes held open like Clockwork Orange. I can't see how that would possibly backfire.

Together, we can build a more awesome America.

19 comments:

Vote McDougal said...

I apologize for my "fuck you" comment last night. What I really meant was "fuck your mother."

jamwall said...

slappy! you and i are like conjoined brains! i don't give a shit either!!!

oops!....is it cartoon time?

Booty J Patrol said...

Hmm... This sounds a lot like the Libertarian platform. Are you trying to split the Libertarian vote?

And here I thought you were a bleeding heart liberal.

slappy said...

McDougal: Oh. That's okay then. I accept your apol... HEY!

Jammer: Apathy is the way to go. Adult Swim updates their online Fix at 6 tonight.

Booty: Liberals and Libertarians have very similar social views (unless you're PJ O'Rourke, who is less of a libertarian than an old crank). It's the fiscal issues where I'll make you crap your pants in rage.

Faith said...

found you through miss kendra - as a queer jew who hates goats, you have my vote.

slappy said...

Glad to meet you Faith. My goal is to use the queer Jew and the agnostic half-Filipino, half-German demographics as my power base.

My curiosity has been piqued: why do you hate goats?

Booty J Patrol said...

Even with your liberal fiscal views, I'll still have to vote for you. Because when my choices are "100% income tax and a government sponsored hooker on every corner" vs. "A flat tax and a police state", I'll choose the former.

slappy said...

Somehow I knew you'd vote for anyone who promised you discount hookers.

Well, I can't promise low costs (because you get what you pay for), but prostitution will be legalized. Sadly, this will lead to the decline of the pimp, but 1970s cinema will keep the legend alive for future generations.

miss kendra said...

i bet faith hates goats because

a- they are smelly
b- they are cloven footed, right?

jews don't like cloven feet.

Übermilf said...

But do you want to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony? With apple trees, and honey bees, and snow-white turtle doves?

That's the song I sing. Let the world hear today. It's the real thing.

slappy said...

Ah, cloven hooves. That'll do it every time. I thought maybe a group of goats used to bully her over by the bus stop in junior high. Damn goats.

Ubie: I'm tone deaf, so if I taught the world to sing it would be very sad indeed.

Brookelina said...

I love you. I'm voting for you. Then I'm going to have sex with you and ruin your career.

Yay America!

slappy said...

Woohoo! Sex scandal!

Übermilf said...

Can I film it? I close my eyes during the embarrassing parts.

slappy said...

Like all of the weeping afterwards? Thank you.

Friends of McDougal said...

I still don't understand what the fuck is going on over here.

Tits McGee said...

Can I be your intern?

slappy said...

FoM: It's sort of a neo-classical-absurdist-satirical- post-modern-science-show-for-kids with poop jokes.

Tits: Woohoo! Intern sex scandal!

G3T Films said...

You know what would be easier Slappy? Moving to Amsterdam.