Friday, March 30, 2007

The Slappy Platform: Energy

My guiding principle for energy policy is a variation on the Clinton triangulation, except I will position myself between the left and right wings so that I piss everyone off. As long as no one is very happy with what I'm proposing, then I feel I'm very close to the right answer.

I will end subsidies for extracting fossil fuels, thus annoying the pro-business conservatives.

I will push for next-generation nuclear power plants to replace coal and gas-fired plants and reduce our carbon emissions, which will make the environmental left confused and angry.

I will provide large subsidies for farmers who produce ethanol from switchgrass, so people who hate subsidized farming will hate me.

Then I'll phase out corn-ethanol subsidies, causing the farmers to turn on me, the fickle corn-loving bastards.

My administration will put a plan in place to reduce carbon emissions, but at a reasonable enough pace that it doesn't reduce our GDP, angering both conservatives who think that global warming is a UN conspiracy and upper-middle class idle youth who wear dreadlocks and play hackey sack and blame every problem in their lives on corporations.

Right after I sign legislation supporting solar home power systems and the construction of wind turbine farms and doubling the budget of the National Renewable Energy Lab, I will go to the San Diego Zoo and bitch-slap a panda. Why? Because fuck him, that's why.

And as I lie in traction, recovering from my panda-mauling, I will bask in the satisfaction of cleaning the environment without letting any of the annoying interest groups be happy about it.


Carl Spackler said...

can i be part of your cabinet?

Übermilf said...

I think you should bitch-slap Tiger Woods.

slappy said...

Yes, I will need a cabinet. Also a running mate. I should post an application soon. It's under 12 months till New Hampshire.

I'd be concerned about bitchslapping Tiger. I know he looks all calm and shit, but he's got a lot of golf clubs. If he snapped it could get ugly. I'll stick with endangered species.

amera hearts said...

i can't stop thinking about sex. geez.

slappy said...

Do you have a thing about Tiger?

Übermilf said...

Maybe she has a thing about Pandas.

jamwall said...

fucking pandas!

slappy said...

Jammer, that's disgusting.