Monday, March 12, 2007

The Slappy Platform: Campaign Finance Reform

I have no plans to change how much money can be raised. Instead, I will ban campaigns from advertising on TV. Candidates are spending too much money and skewing their focus on voters who can read, but choose not to. Candidates are only allowed on TV if they are appearing on a reality show. If you want to whore yourself to get into office, at least you can be honest about it and sing, or eat rancid animal parts, or juggle chainsaws.

Besides, there's no reason that every four years we need to torture the people of Ohio, Florida, and Colorado with "Are you aware that my opponent eats live puppies" attack ads.


miss kendra said...

but what if he DOES eat live puppies???

what then, slappy?

Ookami Snow said...

I would be down for a presidential talent show.

Isn't that why Clinton won?

slappy said...

Kendra: Then we'll just have to rely on a scathing expose on the jiggsblog.

Ook: Clinton won in part because of the sax and in part because Ross Perot split the Texan vote into pro- and anti-crazy factions.

Vote McDougal said...

Ignore this man! Come to our website and see McDougal eat live puppies!

Kat said...

In canada the green party grows the pot, the liberals sell it and the conservatives smoke it. Then we all call the kettle black.

jamwall said...

i would ban the wearing of assless chaps to weddings and funerals.

mostly i'm just banning assless chaps because it means that i won't have to go to weddings and funerals.

slappy said...

Vote: You didn't eat any puppies. Those were twinkies that you drew eyes and noses on.

Kat: So Canadian life revolves around weed and hockey, huh? Why the hell am I down here in Boston?

Jammer: You could also just ban losers from going to weddings and funerals. ZING!

That was unnecessarily harsh. I'm sorry. I was forced to wear a lilac-colored tie best described as a "bolo-cravat" at one wedding.

jamwall said...


i was forced, during one wedding, to wear a "minute bol" tie. it was 7 feet, 7 inches long. i had to hire an entourage to hold the long end of the tie anytime i wanted to walk around.