Thursday, March 29, 2007

War for dummies - A reference for the rest of us!

There's a song that goes "War! War! What is it good for?" The song then goes on to assert that war is good for "absolutely nothing." This seems like an extreme oversight on the part of the lyricist, and if I had written that song, the suggested answer would have been "plenty!"

The thing that war is good for is killing people. Clearly, it makes life much more pleasant as it leaves you free from the hassle of a bunch of irritating people bothering you as you try to enjoy your stuff; which brings me to the other good reason for war: taking other people's stuff. Of course, taking other people's stuff also opens up the opportunity of giving you more stuff to enjoy in your new irritation free existence.

Many of you are probably wondering what the best stuff to take is, and while that is a matter of personal preference, I have always been privy to things made of gold, like watches, jewelry and earmuffs.

But war isn't all free stuff and good cheer. One of the few downsides to war is the content of the editorial pages in your local newspaper. Whenever a war is brewing, Noam Chomsky wannabes come out of the woodwork to bring up useless moral ideals like "justice" and "peace." Don't despair, though, as these weak-willed poindexters always fall into line when ordered to do so by a man with an assault rifle. Let me suggest an M-16.

There are three key players in a war. First there are the pacifists. This group, primarily made up by women and homosexuals, is also known as the whiners. The aforementioned editorials are all written by pacifists.

The group that you and I belong to is known as the hypocrites. We're in favor of the war, but there's no way in hell we would go out there to fight as that would prevent us from enjoying our stuff.

The third important group in a war is the military. The military is made up by soldiers. These soldiers are also known as the poor. Thus this brings me to another positive aspect of war: lowering unemployment.

Each of these groups plays an important role in the dynamics of war. The pacifists gather in large groups, put their whiney signs in your face, and get their asses kicked.

The soldiers do the fighting during a war. To be honest, I don't really know what this entails, but I think it has a lot to do with marching and getting yelled at. Also, apparently there's some shooting involved.

The most rewarding role in a war, though, is that of the hypocrite. Hypocrites get to sit in high-back leather chairs and sip brandy while sympathetically discussing how our boys are doing out there in the shit. And after that, it's time for a quick dip in a vault filled with gold.

I know what you're thinking: "War sounds great! Where can I sign up?" You're lucky in that there is no paperwork. When you were born into the American middle or upper class, you automatically became a hypocrite. So just sit back, relax, and wait for the shooting to start!


Carl Spackler said...

great post. i think you did a good job of explaining the three different categories of people.

slappy said...

Jiggs, sometimes you lack vision. Why declare war on a whole country so we can take people's stuff when we can much more easily declare war on Noam Chomsky and take his stuff?

Brookelina said...

War - friend only to the undertaker.

Lee Ann said...

Jiggsy, This is one of your best!
I hate that I am a hypocrite, I hate that there are pacifists, but mostly I hate that we have war!
We should organize some sort of Sit-In!

Seriously, good post!

jamwall said...

the hypocrite's roll sounds AWESOME!!

where do i sign?

jamwall said...

ok, so i can't apply for hypocracy.

can i sign up as the guy who stands in the back and makes smartass comments?