Thursday, March 22, 2007

Maxims and Interludes

I've been dividing my time evenly between trying to figure out why delicate electronics aren't working and lifting very heavy vacuum pumps. So I have nothing for the blog. Instead, enjoy this piece of randomness I threw together some years back:

Friedrich Nietzsche published Beyond Good and Evil in 1886, a stinging rebuke to the Western concepts of morality. Within its short essays is a chapter called "Maxims and Interludes," where Nietzsche strings together dozens of aphorisms, one-liners, and non-sequiturs for no apparent reason. I always admired the blatant disregard for the flow and continuity of his arguments, so I decided to update the format for this century. I hope that mine is more timeless than Nietzsche's.

The profound and choking loneliness of existence is no excuse to surround oneself with morons.

Renee Descartes postulated the existence of an objective reality independent of our own observation. Then again, Descartes was an idiot.

There is no greater form of conceit than declaring yourself better than the sum total of humanity.

The human body is a beautiful thing, but not in the fresh produce aisle at Safeway.

I am tired of every Republican, Libertarian, and anarchist claiming that government has no role in society and all things are better on the free market. We must not worship the free market, because that would really piss off God.

Some nights when I cannot sleep, I envy men who do not suffer from insomnia. Their penises are probably bigger than mine.

When I walk under a streetlight and it burns out, I think I caused it.

Stream of consciousness is just an excuse to avoid editing.

The most important public works project a government can pursue is subsidized high-speed rail, for low cost transportation, pollution prevention, and phallic implications.

I don't think you need 57 varieties of anything.

When a boy is raised with caring and understanding, he is completely unprepared for junior high school.

I like to pee at the kids urinal. It makes me feel like a giant.

The transition from badass to kitsch should be described using the verb form of Billy Idol.

Maybe no one wants to hear what you think is wrong with the country. Did you ever think of that? Jerk.

The condition of a nation can best be determined by the quantity and quality of their shopping districts geared to the middle class.

I'm not sure Albert Brooks and Steve Gutenberg are different people.

Perhaps there are more elegant solutions to the problem of being in the land of Truthtellers and Liars, but it seems you could just as easily beat the truth out of either of them.

Why is cannibalism wrong? Murder definitely is wrong, but after the fact, why is eating the corpse so much worse than burying it, burning it, or dissolving it in a tub of lye? I think it's a conspiracy by the beef industry.

Remorse is unbecoming in a politician. The people punish not for the indiscretion, but the apology.

What's love got to do, got to do with it? Plenty, Tina. Love has plenty to do with it.


Monkey said...

I do not believe there is any research that supports your theory that men with large penises sleep better.

My brain is asleep.

Ɯbermilf said...

I base my personal philosophy on the lyrics of disco music.

Pardon me, I must get down now. And shake my groove thing. While bumping booties.

miss kendra said...

i think billy idol (verb) is awesome.

Rebecca said...

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math

thats all I have.....

jamwall said...

bitch! get yo ass back to read some muthafuck'n descartes and his theory of mind/brain duality!!!!

that was my imitation of ike turner if he was a philosophy professor.

slappy said...

Monkey: Well, nothing conclusive.

Ubie: Is that anything like the politics of dancing? Groove away.

Kendra: Thank you. Do you plan on Billy Idoling 10 years from now?

Rebecca: I believe the main problem with the gene pool is that people keep peeing in it.

Jammer: The cogito was fine like cherry wine, but Descartes couldn't handle the flava. Ran from it like a bitch. David Hume, on the other hand, he was one bad mofo.

jamwall said...

oh, david hume can out consume karl wilhelm friedrich schlegel

slappy said...

Socrates himself was permanently pissed...

A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed.