Thursday, February 22, 2007

What I gave up for Lent

Ed.: Since Lent started yesterday, I decided to post this classic piece.

Even as I'm gallivanting around the world, fighting for freedom, I still do the little things that remind me of home. And since Ash Wednesday, I've been engaging in the Christian Tradition known as Lent. And to honor the practice, I've given up anal sex. Also meat on Fridays.

Many of you are probably wondering how a devout Zen atheist of my zealousness could possibly engage in such a very Christian practice. Well, I've subscribed to Lent ever since my Christian boyhood and have continued the tradition because I like activities that last forty days.

What I've learned in the many years that I've been Lenting, is that choosing the appropriate thing to give up is a tricky business. It's a delicate balancing act because you've got to give up something that's desirable but also something from which you can refrain.

To provide an example of how things can go awry, one less than stellar Lent I tried to give up cocaine. This failed miserably since I was a coke addict at the time. As you've probably already guessed, 5PM Ash Wednesday, I was snorting Colombian blue flake off a Dutch hooker's ass.

The take home lesson here is that it's important to know your limits. Don't try to give up air or food or some narcotic that you happen to be addicted to. It's just a recipe for Lent failure. That's why this year I'm keeping it simple and cutting out anal sex.

I thought about cutting out sex altogether, but who am I kidding? Priests can't even give up sex with young boys for Lent. Then I thought maybe I could just give up a particular position like the jackhammer. But that really wasn't much of a challenge. For me, anal sex is that desirable act from which I can successfully refrain.

Come Easter, however, I will certainly be craving a little anal action. So when Easter finally rolls around and Lent ends, look out world! I'll be searching a very special place for Easter eggs; that place being someone's ass.


jamwall said...


40 days???

did it say that on the lent papers when i signed them that i had to give up snorting palmolive dish soap and having sex with dead people on friday for 40 DAYS??


i thought lent meant that we had to give up lentils, that's totally easy.

i thought i was an athiest anyway..

Carl Spackler said...

great post.

i'll let you hide those easter eggs in my ass if you like.

Spinning Girl said...

I just thought of a perfect place to stash my Cadbury Cream Eggs.


slappy said...

Won't they melt?

Friends of McDougal said...

wqhy does your post live down here.

I prefer it on top.

You know?

Friends of McDougal said...

Also, I thoguht you were from Dubai~`

Word Ver: bukop

Ɯbermilf said...

You are a dirty, dirty boy.

miss kendra said...


jiggs said...

jamwall: you wanted to give up lentils? you crazy bastard!

carl: deal. but only if they have a flaired base.

spinner: you are most certainly welcome!

slappy: that's half the fun!

mcdougal: no. I'm not sure what you mean.

miss kendra: it's true. cheers.

jiggs said...

mcdougal: also, I am not from dubai. I am from oman.

Tits McGee said...

I love you.