Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Valentine's Day: My Favorite Day of the Year

Valentine's Day is a holiday named after St. Valentine, the patron saint of stupid romantic bullshit. Valentine, a deeply religious Catholic priest, became synonymous with romance because the day associated with his martyrdom (February 14th) is the day birds find their mate. It also has something to do with the fact that St. Valentine loved to bang hot young teen-age boys.

People usually celebrate Valentine's Day by sending poorly-rhymed love notes to their lovers, and then going home to yet another hellish evening with their braying wife. And those are the lucky ones. The rest have children.

While Valentine's Day is portrayed as a highly romantic occasion, in reality, the corporate machine dictates the importance of the holiday. The corporations then sell us products for an occasion that they created. I don't know about you, but I cannot support such corporate subjugation, so I refuse to celebrate Valentine's day... Oh God... I'm so lonely.

Until Valentine's Day came around, there was no holiday dedicated to making bitter, lonely misanthropes like me feel like pathetic losers. Except of course, for President's Day. And just think, being a bitter, lonely misanthrope is just so delightful the rest of the year.

So this year, celebrate Valentine's day like me, by weeping softly in the arms of an inflatable woman and then paying a two dollar whore for an emotionally-empty sex act in a bus station bathroom.

Happy Valentine's Day Assholes!

7 comments:

slappy said...

Wow, you can still find a $2 whore in Berkeley? You just don't get that kind of bargain out on the east coast.

jiggs said...

It's really more of a tip for the dude behind the gloryhole.

miss kendra said...

$2! that's not what we agreed upon! whatever, i'll be there in an hour.

jamwall said...

i don't know, sometimes those $2 empty encounters in the bus station restroom can yield long term relationships.

don't you want someone to share your meth habit?

Spinning Girl said...

fantastic adjective of the day:

braying

I wore my pajamas all day and rubbed one out watching Brady Bunch reruns.

Tits McGee said...

Uh...

I had something to say until I read Spinnerina's comment. Now I have to go rub one out, too.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Lee Ann said...

Thank you for the heart!
<3