Tuesday, January 16, 2007

A tribute to ugly: the golden globes

  • Kira Sedgewick wins for the closer. Just think, tonight she'll be able to get all 5 and a half degrees of Kevin Bacon (if you know what I mean!)
  • Was it bright in the auditorium? Because Renee Zellwegger was really squinting.
  • I can't think of anything but "mighty ducks 3" when I see Emilio Estevez.
  • Could Tony Shaloub's wife's eyes be any further apart? Is she a lizard? Or some other weird animal with eyes set far apart?
  • Were the Golden Globes held in Antartica cuz Hellen Mirren had major fripple. Major Fripple was my favorite character in Full Metal Jacket.
  • Cameron Diaz was whoring it up after being dumped by JT. Good for her.
  • I didn't see that movie "The Queen." Was Elton John in it?
  • Tim Allen is dead, but his body is being kept alive by bourbon and cocaine so that Disney can make more "The Santa Clause" movies.
  • The Golden Globes on Salma Hayek are stupendous.
  • What's wrong with Sharon Stone? Seriously actually... What's wrong with her?
  • Each year, Clint Eastwood looks more and more like Skeletor.
  • I cried when Ugly Betty star America Ferrera won the award for best actress in a comedy... Crying, of course, because she is so hideously ugly! (I keed. I keed. I would do her in a New York minute if I wasn't a priest.)
  • Warren Beatty has had a long and distinguished career, but I still think he's a prick. Seriously. Blah blah blah. Just shut up already.
  • It's good to see a promising young director like Scorcese win the best director award. One question I have about him: Did he have his lips surgically removed?
  • Sasha Baron Cohen is fucking hilarious. If only I could smell the rancid pocket of air caught between his legs, I would die a happy man.
  • Philip Seymour Hoffman looks like he just rolled out of bed after not having left his parents' basement for two months.
  • Peter O'Toole is still alive? That bastard is old!
  • Good for you Forrest Whitaker! Is this the first time that a dude with a lazy eye has won best actor? It's good to see people with disabilities succeed.
  • I couldn't understand one single word that Schwarzenegger said. He could have been reciting his grocery list for all I know. Also, was the winner of the award, Alejandro Inarritu, Swedish? Cuz he sounds just like my Swedish friend Toki.


Anonymous said...

uh. you forgot AROGANT prick...as opposed to say an introverted arm-growing prick.

slappy said...

When I think of Emilio Estevez, I think Men at Work, Loaded Weapon 1, Repo Man, and of course, Freejack.

And then I smile.

jamwall said...

don't forget that emilio estevez had his best role yet in "mission: impossible" where he gets killed within the first 10 minutes of the film.

amera hearts said...

i cannot believe you actually sat through the golden globes. that enough is funny.

good list, i laughed out loud.

my goal today is going to be to warm up my apartment by baking a lot of sweet treats.

Diedre said...

slimy wormy arrogant prick! and I can't believe that he is still alive as well.

Carl Spackler said...

selma hayek has quite possibly the best rack i have seen. she is smoking hot.

Anonymous said...

Hey Carl. Nice Mug. Seriously.

miss kendra said...

salma hayek's rack could eat my rack.

if it were very very hungry.

slappy said...

How disturbing.

And arousing.

But mainly disturbing.

TastyMcJ said...

Slappy...That's exactly what I told Jiggs about Emilio...

I think he just has a fetish for youth hockey.

Lilly said...

I love you guys! :-D

Clint looking more and more like Skeletor LOL LOL!

Lee Ann said...

That is great!
I actually was wondering what was wrong with Emilio Estevez. He looked like he had just snorted up a gram and was looking through the blinds...just checking to see if the cops were coming.

Brookelina said...

I could not stop staring at Salma's boobies. They even distracted me from Angelina and Brad, something I thought not possible.

jiggs said...

kat: You've got claws! meeeow!

slappy: all of those movies suck in comparison to mighty ducks 3.

jamwall: I have always wanted to be the guy in movies that gets killed within 10 minutes of the movie.

amera: I am a slave to pop culture. hooray for sweet treats!

diedre: i didn't realize that so many other people hated warren beatty as much as I did.

carl: I second your opinion.

miss kendra: I think you just came up with an idea for a reality show that will shatter ratings records.

slappy: nope. just arousing.

tasty: wrong! mighty ducks 3 is the king of all movies. citizen kane is a steaming turd in comparison.

lilly: i keep expecting Clint Eastwood to say, "How thoughtful Kobra Kahn, you've brought me an army of Snake Men to conquer Eternia"

lee ann: thx! poor emilio has gone downhill after his inspiring performance in mighty ducks 3.

brookie: for my money, salma is hotter than angelina. there. I said it.

Anonymous said...

Salma Hayek's spectacular rack is the #1 reason to watch any award show.