Friday, December 22, 2006

Let the truth be known

As the official jiggsblog lefty, I think now is the time to break this story: I was the one that destroyed the Republican Party.

Well, not just me, or course. It was a team effort. About eight years ago I was recruited for an elite psyops team to debase the GOP until they bore no resemblance to the ideals of the party. The Democratic party lost the elections in 2000 and 2004 so badly in part due to the reallocation of resources from strategy and advertising to the psyops team, and in part to lull the Republicans in to a false sense of security. The latter should be obvious to even the most casual observer – why else would a campaign concerned about John Kerry’s elitist reputation allow journalists to get photos of him windsurfing?

I won’t bore you with the nuts and bolts of dismantling a political party’s ethos; sufficed to say that it involved subliminal audio overlaid on the Fox News channel and a significant quantity of LSD in the Congressional water supply. The results speak for themselves: a party of small government voted for a new cabinet post, unprecedented federal spending, and the largest expansion of entitlements in decades. A party concerned about the abuse of centralized power passed the Patriot Act. A party that loathes pointy-headed internationalist meddling got stuck in an endless slog to bring democracy to Iraq. Hell, we even got a member of a party of social conservatives to send creepy instant messages to underage Congressional pages.

Sure, we made some mistakes. I think by now we realized we went too far. We crippled our international standing in Iraq, and the huge deficits have caused a distinct risk of a devaluation of the dollar, but we were on a roll. I mean, we got them talking about sending people to Mars and opening a permanent manned base on the moon. That’s the kind of wacky, moneyburning shit that only us liberals could get behind. But yeah, we’ll stop destroying the country indirectly, and give Pelosi a fair chance to destroy it directly.


Monkey said...

Well... this explains a lot.

Tumbleweed said...

Crap, I was too busy doing my part for Global orgasm day to read this. It makes me go blind.

Brookelina said...

If you had this power, why did you wait so fricking long to use it?

slappy said...

Monkey: I like explaining things.

Weed: You must be very good.

Brookie: We waited until they had all branches of government sewn up.

jamwall said...

nice work slappy! now you need to solidify their relationship with the putrid evangelicals and catch ted haggard diddling a male prostitute and inquiring about where he can purchase meth, and we'll be on our way!

...whoops that's already been done!