Friday, June 30, 2006

I'm back.

My vacation was excellent, and quite enjoyable.

Not nearly as exciting as the flight back home, though....

I was sitting in my seat, listening to some music on my beat up old MP3 CD player...had my eyes closed...

I got a tap on the front of my shoulder, so I opened my eyes.

This older guy was standing there with his Bose noise canceling headphones on and had some sort of small MP3 player in his hand... this ass clown said to me...

it’s time to downsize, buddy...

as he tapped his MP3 player.

I awkwardly smiled, but inside a fire was raging. This is when things got interesting.

I unbuckled my seatbelt, and to distract everyone I yelled at the top of my lungs as I came to my feet:

There are motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!

While the old bastard was confused I punched him hard in the throat, and he fell down in the aisle. His headphones popped off when he hit the floorboard, so I summarily smashed them to bits.

In the next instant, I was slide tackled by the tall, redheaded stewardess -- who turned out to be an air marshal in disguise.

Sir,

she said while straddling my chest...

suggesting that there may be snakes on the plane could be considered an act of terrorism. I'll have to put you in custody when we land.

Baby,

I said, while slowly and seductively sliding myself out from under her legs...

don’t worry, you're safe from the real terrorist now. It was this old dried up douchebag. He was ruining the flight for all of us. Can't you see that? And if punching a 63 year old insurance salesman in the throat because he insulted the cheapness of my MP3 playing device is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

The aircraft, which had fallen completely silent, suddenly burst forth with thunderous applause....As the stewardess saw the true courage of my actions, a single tear ran down her cheek and she did me right there in the aisle. Hard.

When we landed, President Bush was waiting there at the airport, where he awarded me the Congressional Medal of Honor for my bravery in the war on terror.

All in all, it was the best plane ride home ever.

Oh, and on the BART ride home, I'm 95% sure I saw Corey Feldman.

12 comments:

amera hearts said...

I had a similar experience except I was the one doing the tackling.

Isn't "hard" the best way?

Corey Feldman sucks. Seriously. He creeps me out.

I'll be taking the BART on August 12th, maybe I'll see you!

Spinning Girl said...

My plane ride home was almost as exciting, recently --- I got a FULL SIZE can of Bloody Mary Mix instead of one of those freaky mini-cans. Then I napped, hard. Hard is the best way.

The Husband said...

WOW...i can't believe you banged her right in front of everybody! you should have tried for anal.

miss kendra said...

if you have to be in close proximity to a corey, i guess he's the one you want.

TastyMcJ said...

amera: I will keep an eye out for you.

spinning girl: getting full size cans rocks. Hard.

Carl: who says I didn't?

kendra: I agree. feldman before haim.

Ɯbermilf said...

Tell the truth, Tasty. It was really Corey Feldman who straddled you and did you hard, wasn't it?

Oh, Tasty. How do you expect the therapy to work when you keep finding yourself in these situations?

TastyMcJ said...

Oh... it's true, it's true!!!!

I never went on vacation. I was just at home being straddled by corey feldman the whole time!!!!

TastyMcJ said...

not really.

I was on a plane.

My vacation did involve a family of snakes.

There was a redhead stewardess that may or may not have straddled me.

I definitely punched a sexagenarian in the throat, though.

jiggs said...

GENIUS LEVEL!!!

Nick said...

For once, Jiggs is right.

jamwall said...

genius level, just above menswear near the socks and underwear.

Lee Ann said...

Man, nothing exciting like that ever happens on any my flights!