Monday, April 10, 2006

Like a douche, I'm still awake.

I started watching this retarded Steven Seagal movie called "Marked for Death" and I just couldn't stop watching. Steven Seagal is the slowest, the ugliest, the stupidest and the least charismatic of all the major action heroes. And in Marked for Death, he also shows that he runs like a girl.

I have a problem. And that problem is that I can't stop watching bad martial arts movies. For those of you that don't have the displeasure of being acquainted with "Marked for Death", I have included the synopsis below:

Chicago DEA agent John Hatcher has just returned from Colombia, where his partner was killed in the line of duty by a drug dealer who has since been taken down. As a result of his partner's death, John has decided to retire, but his retirement may not be permanent. On the next day, after reuniting with his sister Melissa and Melissa's daughter Tracy, John gets into a shootout against a Jamaican drug kingpin known as Screwface, taking down some of Screwface's men. John brings himself out of retirement when Screwface retaliates by attempting to kill Melissa and Tracy. After the shooting, John is reunited with two old friends - a local high school football coach named Max, and a Jamaican Chicago cop named Charles. John and Max set out to hunt Screwface down, only to discover that Screwface has gone back to Jamaica. John and Max take Charles with them to Jamaica for an all out war against Screwface and his drug empire.

20 comments:

Lilly said...

I agree with you 100%! Steven Seagal has always -- and I do mean always -- bugged me big time.
A bit like Tom Hanks [or Tom Wanks I as I like to call the arsehole]. He bugs the shit out of me too.

Oh, it feels good getting that off my chest :-D

Nick said...

Fuck you Jiggs. That movie was full of so many great quotes.

Fingers: I'll sell anything to anybody, Hatcher, except you. I wouldn't sell you the sweat off my balls.

or

Monkey: You want some blow?

Hatcher: Yeah, I want some blow. Put your hands where I can see them or I'm gonna blow your head off.

the best

Hatcher: One thought he was invincible, the other thought he could fly.

Max: So?

Hatcher: They were both wrong.

Spinning Girl said...

I stayed up late too, but I was watching Pride and Prejudice. I love, I love, I love that movie.

miss kendra said...

bad action movies are the wind beneath my wings.

demolition man! yes!

Lee Ann said...

I agree with SG...that is an awesome movie!

jamwall said...

what i object to, is all the department store mannequins that were dismembered and disfigured while making this movie.

jiggs said...

lilly: seagal SUX!

nick: You're wrong about this just like you're wrong about everything in your life. Those are good quotes, but just think how good they would have been if schwarzenegger had delivered them. Seagal delivers these hilarious lines completely stone-faced like he doesn't even know they are funny lines. seagal SUX!

spinner: you're such a girl.

sassafras: demolition man was awesome. Now stallone can deliver a hilarious line and he can hardly speak!

lee ann: you too are such a girl.

jamwall: Why'd they have to kill so many of them! Don't they have any sense of decency?

Tumbleweed said...

OMG, the first thing we don't agree on. I like Steven. I know he is pretty laid back for an action hero, but that's what makes him cool. He never gets fired up! I wish more men were like that. Plus, he really has the ass kicking talent like Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee, gotta respect that!

miss kendra said...

we should watch demolition man together.

also maybe the last boyscout.

jiggs said...

tumbleweed: Seagal is always cool as a cucumber, but I think part of that is his inability to act. I won't disagree with your point about his ass kicking abilities.

miss k: oh my. you're so hot. I heart bruce willis' smirk. In fact I heart bruce willis. Here are my thoughts on bruce.

Lee Ann said...

Is he going to kick some booty dust?

Spinning Girl said...

However, I do like The Godfather and Highlander. And Blade Runner. Do those count for anything?

slappy said...

Have you read Blade Runner? (aka Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?) I'm a big proponent of Philip Dick. He also wrote stories that led to Minority Report, Total Recall, and Paycheck. They're nothing like the movies, but for some reason Hollywood loves to take his stories and turn them into action shoot-em-ups.

I am psyched over A Scanner Darkly - the story is about drugs and paranoia and the movie will have Robert Downey Jr. and Woody Harrelson. Now that's casting!

slappy said...

Spinner: How do you feel about Highlander II through Highlander XVII?

That's Mr. McDougal, to you, punk said...

know which -- one of those three word titles. It was the one where he walkfucked up when he moved away fromthe three word title movies where he was always the same character with the same arc doing the smaeed around repeatedly saying "Anybody seen Richie" and what the fuck was that fat dude's anema who played richie? I'm sure you've seen him in othermovies. Man, Segal. He really There's one movie with him that thing. There was one where he was in a coma with that chick from Weird Science. She wasn't in a coma though. I think she sucked his HEY WAIT A MINUTE when he was out though.changed my life. I don't

Nick said...

Bom means "fuck you" in Polish.

jiggs said...

lee ann: he only kick booty dust if it's in between his foot and the ass that he is kicking.

spinner: I wasn't trying to say that liking Pride and Prejudice is a bad thing. Only that liking PnP is consistent with you being female. Additionally, I think liking highlander is cool. That movie is hilarious. And I know that Tasty would want to have 10 million of your babies if he were around to read your comment. cuz he likes the bladerunner.

slappy: scanner? Haven't even met her!

herr mcdougal: it's good to see that you're as lucid as ever.

nick: I was not aware of that. thanks for providing me with another way to insult you. BAZANG!

Nick said...

It's from The Last Boyscout, Jigga. Don't you know anything?

jiggs said...

nick: apparently I don't.

I saw the last boyscout once, decided that it was awesome, and then never watched it again. I usually don't watch movies more than once.

josh williams said...

I posted recently how I could kick his ass and he was a puss then I read my post , post posting in full blown sobriety. I saw all my typos misspellings and then tried to edit, blogger stalled and has stalled on me for days. Steven Seagal is a puss! My apologies to any one with the last name Segal.