Thursday, January 05, 2006

Ok. So I lied.

The poo on my bed was fake. But I didn't know it was fake until I opened the little baggie. That's when I smelled not shit, but caramel. And not even murry's poo smells like caramel. When I confronted her about having the gall to use fake poo, she regaled me with the details of how she made my poobag and I asked her to write her recipe down so I could share it with you:

Making your own poobag: A Recipe for Success

After some careful thought, and technical savvy, I was able to create a beautiful rendition of poo just using some candy bars, a ziplock bag, and a microwave oven. It's quite easy to make your own poobag and I thought I would share some pointers in case anyone wants a jump start on their April Fools.

First, you need to start with a good base. Depending on the effect you want to go for, an appropriate base is key. I chose a Snickers bar and package of Twix because they both have a good shape and weight to them, and are solid. I would imagine a 3 Muskateers bar would melt very nicely into a puddle of diarrhea. If you wanted to super-size your roughage, a BabyRuth bar could be just what the doctor ordered. This, however, brings me to a side note: Know Your Audience. A BabyRuth base gone astray could end up looking like a rock. You would have been less inclined to believe something like THAT came out of me. In my case, the subtle Snickers was what I needed. I was hoping the peanuts from the Snickers would peek out after a little melting and I depended on the cookies inside the Twix to provide distinct log-like shapes. Also, don't be afraid to accessorize. Some dark chocolate chips thrown in add a nice color variation, and a little shredded coconut would make for some surprising textures. It turned out that the caramel in the Snickers left my "poo" with a nice sheen, giving the finished product a professional look.

Secondly, melt your bundle in increments. You want to remove factory produced telltale markings (like those underneath the candybars) as well as form everything into a realistic shape. But remember... less is more.You'll notice from the side shot that the ziplock bag is puckered. A bit of overzealous microwaving caused the caramel to boil, which melted the ziplock bag a bit. Don't zap your creation for more than 10sec increments. Then, shape, squeeze, and freeze... just enough to cool down the sugars and prevent meltdown of your container. If you are patient, you'll have a winning poobag in under 20 minutes.

Thirdly, stay calm and collected. Any mistakes can be disguised with a little creativity. Too many nuts? Add some more plain chocolate and make sure they are well coated to disguise them. Or pick some out but be careful to microwave out any fingerprints. In my case, my melted plastic bag was disguised with some festive wrapping paper. The curling ribbon hid my oopsey, and made for a very attractive presentation. Don't let things look too neat though. Notice the inside of the ziplock is smeared with chocolate. I mean really... no one poops cleanly into a bag. I didn't want you to be able to see the "poo" that well so as a last step, I blew a little air into the bag before I sealed it. I thought it lent the final package an "I've been off-gassing for 10 days" look. I never expected you to open it. Sicko.

Anyways, I hope I didn't gross anyone out too badly. I am pretty proud of my creation. It achieved a much better effect than any store bought gag poo, which is what I was originally going to fall back on. And when you think about, if you can get over the looks, what you end up with is one fantastic super candy bar.
That's true. It does make a great candy bar. I ate up my poobag the moment I realized that she made it out of a snickers and a twix..


merkley??? said...

one of the biggest things that makes me the most awesome human alive is that i refrained from calling your fake poop fake outright in the last comments and instead i said that i would pretend it was fake, because i didn't want you to be offended thinking that i thought that you werent worth a real shit.

see? i'm very sensitive and tactful.

Fred said...

phew, i feel much better now. at least not as dirty as before.

come see Ocho!

ChickyBabe said...

I'm never eating chocolate again!

Fred said...


Lee Ann said...

Still haven't seen it, but you are hilarious!

The Husband said...

i had the balls to look at the pictures but i'm now upset upon hearing its fake. i've been known to be able to produce some logs so next time i give birth to one i'm overnighting it to you.

jamwall said...

of the candy bars that resemble poo, carl spackler prefers the baby ruth candy bars.

they float, hold together well in cholorine and maintain their crunchiness.

Nick said...

I still had to stifle vomit.

Oh hey, I didn't know if you heard or not but Texas won the Rose Bowl. I would like to take this opportunity to offer everyone at Casey, Inc. a hardy "In Your Face!"

miss kendra said...

i heart you for eating the poo bag.

i hope you had an audience.

jiggs said...

merk: that's right merk. your sensitivity and tactfulness put mine to shame.

fred: did you put on some denim?

chickybabe: don't be like that. Chocolate still loves you, even if it can be shaped into a poo like mass.


lee ann: I'll pass your compliment on to murry

carl: relax! put on some denim. I will accept any overnighted poo however.

jamwall: everybody out of the pool!!!

nick: I'm the only one that was gunning for USC to win. I guess California isn't ueber alles after all.

miss k: me eating my poo bag was a private moment, filled with reverie and soft weeping.

Brookelina said...

I'm still not looking at the other pictures. I don't care what you say.

SignGurl said...

I looked at the pictures yesterday and can I just say, "This blog rocks!"?

Eating the poo bag, who'da thunk it?

Übermilf said...

I knew it! Actually, I think you could also use that mixture as a cupcake topping...

Spinning Girl said...

Yummm. Mind if I reference this on "Spinning Girl and Friends in the Kitchen?"

jiggs said...

brooke: that's a safe bet.

signgurl: thanks, yo! And it was a tasty poo bag.

uebermilf: go cupcakes! fuck cake!

spinning girl: I'm not much of a cook, so if we ever really did a spinning girl and friends in the kitchen, this would have to be my entry.

Monkey said...

Only Übie would look at this and see a cupcake recipe.

I for one, have printed said recipe out and will begin baking on the 29th of March. Thank you to Murry.

And thank you Jiggs for being so forthcoming and forthright and forthskin.

LBseahag said...

But there was corn in it...I saw it with my own eyes...

jiggs said...

monkey: you said forthskin. heeheehee

LBseahag: I fairly certain those were peanuts. Actually I hope those were peanuts.

Fred said...