Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Houston, we have a problem (the first post of the year)

Sure, the previous post might claim that it was published on the second of January, but we all know that that's bull honkey. This is the first post of the new year. SUCK IT LAST POST!

So now on to business.

IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU CUM...OR CAN THEY?
One question that has been bothering me recently is whether astronauts masturbate. The thing is that they are being monitored pretty much all the time in space, so how would they ever get any private time? Or is everyone really comfortable with each other in space, and so maybe astronauts just do it in front of each other.

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A CIRCLE JERK
Presumably, there is a jizz vacuum of some sort on the space station because you wouldn't want semen (as opposed to spacemen) floating around. If that were to happen, there would be lots of accidental moneyshots if you catch my drift (drift pun intended).

HOUSTON, WE'RE GOING TO NEED SOME LUBE UP HERE
The one thing I'm sure of: Astronauts use astroglide if they need some moisture. And as far as I'm aware, it's extremely dry in space.So they need moisture.

WHERE'S MY MOTHERFCUKING JET PACK!?!?
We've got some great ideas for the upcoming year. Especially if you like poo. Which I know everyone does. I've also got a hankering to write some children's stories. And if everyone behaves themselves, there's a slim chance that I will post a pic of what I really look like. So stay tuned, fair readers.

Also check out the year end retrospective below if you haven't. It's hilarious.

31 comments:

miss kendra said...

i am first.

thus i am the first commentator of the year.

i rule.

miss kendra said...

and i promise to behave.

as well as can be expected, that is.

Zombie Lou said...

Lou Reed thought he jizzed in space. Lou Reed realized he only jizzed on the TV screen during a Star Trek episode.

merkley??? said...

i saw an article or tv show about a harness NASA made to enable astronaust to have sex in zero gravity -- true story.

slappy said...

Hey Lou: Original or Next Generation?

Monica said...

I shall not rest until these questions have been answered.

jiggs said...

miss k: low five!

lou reed: JIZZ... IN... SPAAAAAAAACE! I have the same question as slappy: TNG or TOS? Or was it Deep Space 9?

merk: I wonder if I could get on that research grant.

slappy: low five!

jiggs said...

monica: good to see ya.

Zombie Lou said...

Lou Reed gave Captain Kirk a pearl necklace.

Lou Reed worships William Shatner. Lou Reed would gladly jizz all over TJ Hooker as well.

sysm said...

There was something on this in the Ricky Gervais podcast last week. Recommended.

I was thinking the same thing. In zero gravity, what kind of speed, and what kind of force, would any bodily discharge have?

As far as your ejaculant goes, I'm thinking it would look a great deal like Silly String.

Almost worth a ride in the Vomit Comet to find out.

Fred said...

i jizzed into space once. the space in yo momma's mouth!

Friends of McDougal said...

I'd like to sign on as the first douchebag of the year.

Hey, Jiggsy. Look outside, blackjack motherfucker.

That's right.
I got McDougal's Cadillac back.
Cadillac Jack.
Black Cadillac.
Heart attack.
In the Cadillac.

Carnell.
Williams.
Caddy.
Who's your daddy?

Rollin' through Compton in McD's Caddillac.
Ladies checkin' me cuz I won't be back.
Six AM, I got nothin' to do.
But get McDougal's Caddy back from you.

Caddy, Caddy. WHo's yo' daddy?
When I roll through Berkley, I roll hard.
Like that big Indian dude in the shitty Sandler re-make of "The Longest Yard."

Jiggsy's Caddy.
Who's yo' daddy?
Mc, Mc, Mc, McDougal.

From the M to the C to the ... hey, what smells like doody?

Roll call ...

Jiggs Casey's cock is under the seat.

I got McDougal's caddy back plus Jiggs Man's meat.

Meat.
Seat.

Jiggs installed a meat seat.

The Mc in McD is for M.C.

Escher
Escher

Hey -- Fran Drescher.

Fran is in the house, and i'm bustin' mad rhymes.

Fran Drescher
Fran Drescher

Put Jiggs' member in the Nanny's fanny.

Fran Drescher
Fran Drescher

ROLL CALL.

Fanny packin
Nanny packin

Meat packin
Cadillacin'

Suck it, bitch.

Tumbleweed said...

You always get me thinking on such a deep philosophical level. You are so good for me. I wonder if you can just think yourself into orgasm in space without even touching your member. Then the jizz would just go to the same place your pee does.

Ɯbermilf said...

You people need hobbies.

Clean, healthy hobbies.

Not the ones you obviously have now.

Tumbleweed said...

Hey Jiggsy baby, there is a new product from some Kansas fuck that I think you will find interesting. I linked you in my post.

Tumbleweed said...

I linked Charles too!

fitting word verif:
tiljzz= "until jizz"

Calzone said...

I thought this blog was for intellectuals.

Fucking poons

jiggs said...

lou reed: I would love to do it with TJ hooker!

sysm: the ricky gervais podcast was about jacking off in space?

freddy: You just zinged me like a bitch.

mcd: Unfortunately, first douchebag of the year is a title that I have. But I can certainly cede it to you for tax purposes.

I didn't realize you are a rapper in addition to your many other talents. We should start calling you the "Notorious MCD"

ROLL CALL!

tumbleweed: The philisophy of jizz and poo, by jiggs casey...

If I could think myself into orgasm in space, I would by the next shuttle ticket out there.

uebermilf:you're probably right. Though I don't know if I would call what I do right now a "hobby" per se, or just self-debasement.

The Husband said...

masturbation in space...wow...even i didn't think of that. major points for you Jiggs. i would think they could go into the so called bathroom and jerk it...atleast thats what i would do.

Brookelina said...

I would love to have sex in space. I would just love to have sex period.

Did I say that out loud?

slappy said...

Well, I'll have to violate my new year's resolution to refrain from commenting on blog entries about masturbation in space.

NASA tends to go for technological solutions, so I imagine they would just put an attachment inside the suit that would take care of everything, "hands-free" as it were. This would of course require some new rules of etiquette (not during a space walk, not while your having a conversation with a fellow astronaut, etc.), but the general principle is sound.

Charles (Jiggs' Member) said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jiggs said...

calzone: suck it!

carl: We thought about that, but the issue is the electronic monitoring by NASA. They'll know that you're heartrate is up way too high for peeing.

brooke: It looks like we're in the same boat. Sex in space would be great, but any sex at all would be better. Especially if I could have it before the end of the decade.

Slappy: Are you suggesting that the crew get into their spacesuits to jerk off and then just get out of their spacesuits? You know how long it takes to put those things on? Well I don't, but i bet a really long time. And further, everybody is going to know you did it because you put on your spacesuit and didn't go outside.

slappy said...

Great, now I have an image of Kennedy declaring "Before the end of the decade, we will get Jiggs some action!"

I think I must have been confused, I thought the astronauts always wore some basic kind of suit, big enough to hold the necessary equipment. I'll talk to the design team a little more and see if we can figure out a workaround. Maybe if it just became part of the usual spacewalk procedure...

Lee Ann said...

Glad they are not spacemen!!!!

jiggs said...

Slappy: the pics of the people on the space station (for example) don't have them in anything more than a jumpsuit it appears. One could theoretically add the apparatus onto that, but I bet a dead give-away might be the whirring of the apparatus.

Now if JFK put all his effort into getting me laid, I'm fairly certain it would happen then.

lee ann: sorry, i'm having a hard time who "they" are in your comment.

Nick said...

I wish McDougal would bust a phat rizzhyme for me. You lucky twat.

Also, you misspelled motherfucker, motherfucker.

The rap music has made me overly aggressive. One thousand pardons Jiggs.

jiggs said...

nick: I know. I'm lucky to get phat rhymes.

Also, it's weird, but I accidentally mispelled "motherfucking" at first, but liked the odd placement of the "c" so I left it that way.

ChickyBabe said...

I'll never look at a space mission the same way ever again!

And there goes my Star Trek fantasy...

Lee Ann said...

The little men from the sea!

jiggs said...

chickybaby: I don't know if you read the jiggsblog discaimer:

Jiggsblog and its affiliates cannot be held responsible for ruining fantasies.

Lee ann: Oh I get it.