Being a maid is hard

Especially if your employeer makes you wear this to do the cleaning:



It seems like that would really slow you down.

If I was a sandwich maker in the middle of an existential crisis...

I would make a sandwich called Pastrami on Why.

I am on fire today!

If I was a member of a death metal band whose members were all nerds...

I would call it BLOODY SINUSES!

WHO ROCKS YOU LIKE BLOODY FUCKING SINUSES!!!

Either the incoming freshman are much, much hotter this year...

or I'm becoming more and more desperate.

Shit, seriously though....It's like I'm back in Texas or something.

In the spirit of Swamp Dog, I'm going to brag about my capabilities

I have a magic tongue. Tying a cherry stem is child's play. My tongue is so dexterous that it can make origami cranes.

Time to just sit back and wait for the ladies to beat down my door.

Jiggsblog salutes!

The New Orleans looters. I mean, when the city is under several feet of water and you're out there breaking windows and stealing stuff, that is hardcore. You went above and beyond the call of douchebaggery, looters! We salute you!

Another album cover

To be honest, I'm a little confused by this one. Perhaps Swamp Dog is some kind of super hero trying to protect the world from a giant alien mouth invasion. But what could "If I ever kiss it... he can kiss it goodbye!" mean? Perhaps it's a warning about STDs transmitted by oral-genital contact. This would fit the notion that the world is being attacked by giant alien mouths.

Also, it seems like the ellipsis in "If I ever kiss it... he can kiss it goodbye!" are completely extraneous.

Religion is cool

Although I have converted to Pasatafarinaisim, two recent news items about religion have caught my eye. The first is this site, which is trying to collect the most offensive religious jokes in an attempt to show that a new law in the UK about hate speech would curb free speech rights. I don't know if the method will work, but the jokes are still pretty funny.

And then there is Wait Wear, a new clothing line that includes such gems as the "Abstinence Ave, Exit When Married" underwear:



and the "Traffic Control, Wait for marriage" bikini brief:



As one commentator said "I don't know about you, but they should probably be writing on those panties 'If you can see this, it looks like I changed my mind about abstinence'".

Your mouth is writing checks your ass can't cash

That is a funny threat. But I think it might be funnier if it was:

Your ass is writing checks your mouth can't cash.

Trust me. It's a hilarious visual.

I heard this on the radio

"In 2001, the average high school student made 30 thousand dollars a year. That same year, the average collge graduate made 50 thousand. That's a difference of 25 thousand dollars!!" Clearly this ad's writer is one of those high school grads.

The best thing about not having any money...

Is that when you get mugged you can laugh your ass off while you're bleeding to death.

"Joke's on you, you mugger asshole! I don't have any money!"

Woody Guthrie: what a lazy sack of crap

I was thinking about the lyrics for "this land is your land". Specifically the following:

This land is your land, this land is my land
From California, to the New York Island

That's right. That lazy sack of crap rhymed "land" with "island".

I wonder how he thought of that one? He must be a fucking genius!

I also hate folk music.

Little League World Series Champions

The boys from Ewa Beach, Oahu won it all for my island brethren. They came back from a 3-run deficit in the bottom of the sixth to send it into extra innings, and won it on a walk-off home run to start the seventh. 7-6 over Curaçao. Highlights:

Vonn Fe'ao pitching for Hawaii in the top of the 7th, throwing 77 mph and sporting a game face so mean it looked like he might put a ball in some kid's earhole just for the hell of it.

One of the Hawaii dads couldn't get time off work, so he borrowed a large sum of money for travel expenses, quit his job, and came out to PA. Such a powerful tribute to a parent's love of his son and total lack of fiscal responsibility.

I have spent all day...

Trying to come up with a good Katrina and the Waves joke in time for the hurricane.

I am a horrible person. Plus I can't even think of a good pun.

I had this dream about a bath tub/toilet

It was toilet that you could immerse yourself into. It would be clean and be filled with warm water and have a big drain/flushing system. The thinking in the dream was that it would be a relaxing way to take a dump. In the dream, I thought I had come up with the greatest invention known to man and that when I woke up, I would be able to sell the design to a toilet company and make a fortune.

Upon waking up, however, the fatal flaw finally occurred to me: Why would anyone want to sit around and bathe in shit water?

Great Album Covers

McDougal forwarded some pics to me suggesting that I put them in the blog. As we all know, when McDougal suggests something, you're required to do it, according to New Hampshire law, and so here starts a series of blog posts on album covers:



So the game we're going to play here, is to come up with something to describe the album. Some kind of tag line, if you will. I'll start us off with a couple of stupid ones that will be easy to top:

If Ken works by request only, I would be surprised if Ken works.
Does Ken have a forehead?
Ken: What a douchebag.

Donkeypunch

I just learned what the term "donkeypunch" means. And let me just say that it is horrific. Why anyone would want to punch a person when that person was being so generous is beyond me.

Bad names for kids

My girlfriend (yes, even geeks have girlfriends once in a while) is a 4th grade teacher, and yesterday was the first day of school. One of the things the teachers do is get together and talk about which kid in their class has the funniest name. So it got us thinking, what is the worst thing you could name your kid (the first 3 are real, the 4th we made up).

Willfred
Johnson
Zolt
Phuck N. Blough

You suggestions (real or fake) can be added in the comments. :)

I was thinking about the phrase "I've got a turtle head poking out"

For those of you that don't know, it means that you really need to take a crap. So badly in fact that a turd is sticking out of your asshole.

I was thinking, however, what if you really had a turtle living in your large intestine that would periodically stick it's head out of your asshole. Would it snap at your fingers when you tried to wipe? I bet the turtle would have terrible breath.

Poop.

I should be able to dissolve my own teeth if I want to.

Sure, it eats enamel like hydrofluoric acid eats bones.

Sure, it's got enough salt in it to give an elephant a coronary.

Sure, I love California...

But I'm still pissed.

How come I can't get no Twang 'round here?

I mean, I basically put my way through high school dumping this stuff down the back of my throat for money.

No, really, kids are dumb. They'll pay to see that sort of shit.

I'm converting to Flying Spaghetti Monsterism

You can read all about my new religion here.

Little League World Series Roundup

Semifinals are completed:
California beats Florida
Japan humiliates Canada
Curaçao stomps Guam
and my boys from Ewa Beach, Hawaii snuck past Louisiana 2-0.

Quick notes:

* Curaçao, in addition to being the defending champs, is the only team that has the "ç" with a funny beard-like thing on it. I believe the technical term for it is a wattle.

* Both international games finished by mercy rule (10-run) in the fifth. I saw the end of the Curaçao game. When Guam was pitching and down 10, the ump was calling anything that the catcher could get his mitt on a strike just to try and end the game before the kids started crying.

* Hawaii and California are meeting in the final. California represents the West. So what region is Hawaii? Northwest, of course.

* Watching Hawaii is like traveling through time. The coach and at least one player is sporting a mullet. The decisive home run in the last game started a chant in the crowd of "Whoop there it is!" Ah yes, these are my people.

All this Pat Robertson and assassination talk got me thinking.

"In 1972 a crack prayer team was sent to prison by a military court for a sin they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the 700 club."

I'm really tired

I stayed up until 5AM playing the original version of NBA Street.

And yes, I know I'm a loser.

Robertson apologized

Hating Pat Robertson was something we could all get behind. And now he's gone and acted reasonable. Damn it!

More of why I love Pat Robertson

Robertson believes that he was misinterpreted:

"I didn't say 'assassination,'" Robertson said Wednesday on his Christian Broadcast Network show "The 700 Club" about remarks reported by The Associated Press and other media outlets.

"I said our special forces should 'take him out.' 'Take him out' could be a number of things including kidnapping.

"There are a number of ways of taking out a dictator from power besides killing him. I was misinterpreted by the AP, but that happens all the time."

But a video of Monday's telecast shows that Robertson's exact words were: "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don't think any oil shipments will stop."

Batshit Fucking Crazy!

Check out these sites

The friends of jiggsblog have their own good sites:

Friends of McDougal: This site is great if you're a sweaty palmed pervert.

AP's blog: This gal is funny and super hot.

smang: Go for Bruce vs. Prime, stay for the smang. I wish I knew what smang was.

One last one for the day

Can you tell I'm bored? Here is a flash animation describing how to fold a shirt. But this ain't your momma's t-shirt foldn'. Nope, it's some crazy new asian way. If you can figure out what they are saying, please tell me.

Canadians v. Danes

It seems that Canada is ready to go to war over what amounts to a piece of rock covered in ice in the great white north. Does the Canadian "navy" really have nothing better to do with their time?

Women can be so catty

So it seems two womens' teams played each other in soccer the other day. One team's goalie decided to go to a concert instead of the game, and instead of doing the lady-like thing and stopping play after a few goals, the team with a goalie decided to trounce the non-goalie team 50-1 (they decided to be nice at the very end and allow one goal out of pitty).

You know you suck...

... when Alex Trebek laughs at your answer.

Bridget Jones is a piece of shit.

I'm not going to lie. I spend a lot of time on IMDb.

They've got an 'automatic' movie recommendation system, that seems good in principle:

With over 462,000 titles on the IMDb it isn't feasible to handpick Recommendations for every film. That's why we came up with a complex formula to suggest titles that fit along with the selected film and, most importantly, let our trusted user base steer those selections. The formula uses factors such as user votes, genre, title, keywords, and, most importantly, user recommendations themselves to generate an automatic response.


But the problem is that their 'formula' is a piece of shit. It's in dire need of a Douchebag filter, to keep out sadistic recommendations meant only to lead the unsuspecting internet community astray.

Take a look at the "If you liked Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, then may we suggest the following..." recommendations:

Suggested by the database :

The Bourne Supremacy (2004)
Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999)
Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004)
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)
A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)
The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1994)
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
The Skulls II (2002) (V)
Basket Case 2 (1990)
Army of Darkness (1993)

Some of these make sense, I guess... but Bridget Fucking Jones???!!!

Some piece of shit asshole was trying to have some fun, I guess...but now, some poor, stupid, trusting teenage boy, having loved the side-splitting hilarity and tounge-in-cheek (or face-cock-in-throat-hole) humor of the brilliance that was 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo' is going to be roped into the shitfest that is Bridget Jones, totally expecting to see someone crack open an egg into Renée Zellweger's Vagina.

And he will be disappointed.

That's just not fair.

I love Pat Robertson

In one of his most Christian political stands, Robertson called for the assassination of Venezuelan "president" Hugo Chavez.

"You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it," Robertson said.

"We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability," Robertson said.

Way to go Pat. Way to go.

New Jiggs Article: The Jiggs Casey Dictionary (Abridged): Orgy

Ever since the days of the Romans, the orgy has been the pinnacle of dirty, dirty sex. For this reason it is the most popular act to claim experience with, even if it was merely a couple in the missionary position when both partners were fantasizing about someone else. The latest entry to our Dictionary aims to set the public straight on the proper usage of the term. Enjoy it, douchebags.

I was on this 7 day bender

and I ended up in Batesville Arkansas which is a little town in North East Arkansas. While I was there, I realized that I get better cell reception in Batesville than I do in Berkeley. FUCK YOU CINGULAR!

I saw Dukes of Hazzard

And it pleased me immensely. Also, Jessica Simpson's breasts give an inspired performance.

Dirty Google

The picture says it all.

I got this message through friendster:

I really got this message through friendster. It suggests the following lesson: Don't use the internet to translate for you. It'll make you sound like a pervert. Anyway, here is the text:

Hello my new friend!!!

My name [name removed]. Your information in this agency has very much liked me. You have seemed to me very kind and serious the man. I want to communicate with you and
distance between us I hope will not be a barrier to our relations.

Now I want to tell to you slightly about myself. I live in Russia in city of Kazan. To me of 27 years. my birthday in June,7.

I have many various hobbies. I like to sew soft toys, and then to give their friends. I as like to be engaged in shaping and aerobics because it very much raises my mood. As I like to float in the river or in lake.I very much love animals, am especial cats, because they very kind and tender essences. I have cat, he already very long lives with me and I very much love him.

I very much ask to write to me the answer, because you unique the man which has liked me. I shall wait very much for your letter. I ask to write to me on my E-mail. His name [email removed by jiggs].

BYE!! [name removed].

One hell of a warranty

I bought a new hard drive today, because I ran out of space to stash porn/data. When I opened the box, I saw this on the drive:



In case you can't read that, it says the warranty is void if the drive experiences more than 350G's of shock. 350G's! Do you know how fast that is? Me neither, but I'm told it is more than a "buttload".

Ever want to read North Korean propaganda?

This site has a searchable database of articles released by the North Korean news agency. Also check out their random insult generator.

You extra-large bloodsucker!
You psychopathological stooge!
You extra-large flunkey!
You swollen-headed stooge, your ridiculous clamour for "human rights" is nothing but a shrill cry!

The Japanese understand how miserable life is.

Even for children.

Kidsbeer

The last line of that article may be the best slogan ever.

Comcast hates their customers

I know it's true because they send out bills to their customers with the greeting "Dear Bitch Dog".

Amazon.com is all growed up

They sell sex toys now (that link is not work safe unless you work at a VERY liberal place).

This is making fun of some group of people

I think it's people from the south (of the United States o' America).

http://www.bpninc.com/evideo/video_mac_hi.mov

The "Flag this Blog" is total bullshit

It's arbitrary fucking bullshit. Some weak minded bullshit horse fucker might happen upon the blog and think "I'm some kind of fucking loser. I should click the fucking flag button like a weak piece of shit."

And the fucking rules they have are so fucking arbitrary bullshit.

Is our blog "questionable"? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Does that mean that some fucking pansy ought to be able to keep other like minded douchebags from reading our blog? No fucking way.

Everytime I start to think that I like Google, they pop up and do some bullshit like this. It flies in the face of everything that the internet is about.

Thank you

I just wanted to thank our loyal reader Friends of McDougal for the most excellent video he recomended to us. I wet myself I was crying so hard.

In technology news

As the resident technologist at JiggsCasey.com, it is my duty to report the following technology news.

We start with a recently filed patent, in which the inventor claims they invented the idea of having a DVD play when it is put into a DVD player. I really have nothing to add to that -- I'm speechless.

Also, for the uber-geek-chick, we have the all new Bluetooth enabled Star Trek Barbie headset with USB. Now you can walk around town with a Barbie sticking out of your ear, in uniform no less.

I worry about the world we live in sometimes.

I'm getting much more mileage out of this used Pantera CD than I thought I would.

I mean. I knew it would rock. I just forgot how hard.

Those Texas boys sure can, uh... Metal.

And they're so deep, too.

"I would kill myself for you. I would kill you for myself"

Think about that.

Speaking of douchebags....

I saw this the other day, about our dear ol' friend Jack B. Thompson.

It also made me laugh.

Be sure to check out the 'Death Threat' buddy icon link.

Instead of me thinking of something 'witty' to post...

just go read this. It's entertaining.

Mild spoiler alert, though, for those who still haven't seen deuce bigalow 2:

Dick for nose? wtf? (imdb message boards).

I hope when my teenage kids start posting on message boards, they aren't nearly as huge douchebags as some of these people.

I wish I could be this cool.

Here is an article about a guy who is selling a keyboard claiming that it is "for uber geeks" only, and charging $80 for it. All he's actually done is scrape the letters off the keys of a regular keyboard.

Genius!

The new US Army

The New Yorker has a sneak peak at a new set of Army brochures. It seems that the Army is getting desperate, as they can't seem to meet their recruiting goals. I can't imagine why not...

I would do anything for love...

Many people wonder what Meatloaf was talking about when he sang "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that." What could have been so important that Meatloaf had to write a song about it?

The answer, of course, is pegging.

Bend over boyfriend, indeed.

Why I flunked out of reporter school

The AP wire reports:

OSLO, Norway (AP) -- Three unarmed Polish researchers stranded on a remote Arctic island were rescued by helicopters as polar bears were closing in on them, officials said Wednesday.

I would have written it this way:

OSLO, Norway (AP) -- Polar bear study aiming to answer the question "Are Polish researchers tasty?" ends inconclusively.

I was just thinking....

He creeped us out in The Frighteners, made us laugh in Starship Troopers, reminded us how big of douchebags your religious zealot terrorists can be in Contact, and he made Tomcats worth watching....

So, where the Fuck is Jake Busey's 'Leading Role in a Summer Blockbuster'?

I mean, come on people.

My ideal movie pitch to the assholes in Hollywood:

Jake and his dad could do some sort of Police Action/Drama/Comedy. They could call it Busey Weapon, or 2 Busey 4 U.

I'd pay to see that.

Goldmine.

In the news...

Some guy with way too much time on his hands has built a full size Viking ship out of popsicle sticks. What in god's name would motivate one to do such a thing?

And in other news, it looks like the Russians have entered the modern world, publishing studies about things we already know: Sex makes people healthy, cheerful, strong, beautiful and sleepy.

Baseball news

I'm thinking the bobblehead phenomenon may be in its last throes. In Norwich, CT, the Navigators (AA) are having Benedict Arnold Bobblehead Night this Saturday.

Gossip is good...

...according to a new study by David Wilson of SUNY Binghamton. It serves to move information through a social network and allows individuals to connect much like the grooming rituals of our ancestors.

But it's not okay to go around telling mutual friends that your ex is bad in bed and has a small penis.

Hypothetically, I mean. That would be wrong.

I'm on the do-not-fly list

Piece of fucking shit. I can't check-in online and I can 't use those check-in machines. I've got to wait in the line like a chump.

What kind of a terrorist is named "Jiggs Casey"?

I was all for inconveniencing people like Arabs. But when it comes to inconveniencing me, well things are just going to have to change now.

Maybe I should change my name to something that is unlikely to be the name of a terrorist like "Asswipe Jones".

of no informational value

I had a blister on my big toe, and it peeled off in the shape of West Germany.

It's not the Virgin Mary, but it's something.

More on Texas

Recently, one of Bush's neighbors shot his gun in the air near the group that is having a month long vigil in protest of the war in Iraq. When the Secret Service asked him what the hell he was doing, his response was "I ain't threatening nobody, and I ain't pointing a gun at nobody. This is Texas.''

Would someone who is from Texas or lives in Texas explain how this is an excuse to fire a gun in the air near peaceful protesters?

O, Henry! is like some sort of bastardized Snickers clone.

I'd never had one before.

As with most of Nestle's chocolate, it totally sucked balls.

Also, they tried to trick me into thinking the bar only had 120 calories, but it's actually 240, since it's 2 pieces (each is a serving).

That is totally lame.

If Rosa parks had been subjected to Fox news

Some guy writes in his blog what he suspects would happen. For example:

Limbaugh: “We have just found information that before Rosa Parks sat in the front of the bus, there were numerous times, she sat in the back of the bus! Ah ha! A flip-flopper!"

quick movie review

Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex*
*but were afraid to ask (1971)

Pros: Woody Allen, Regis Philbin, and Burt Reynolds in one film.

Cons: No segment on how to seduce your 20-something year-old adopted daughter.

Four Jiggses out of Five.

Reality check

NARAL ran a TV spot claiming John Roberts supports abortion clinic violence, using the time-honored political tactic of exaggeration, extrapolation, and bullshit. The NYTimes ran an editorial denouncing the ad.

Note to all liberal advocacy groups: When the New York Times runs an editorial against you, you done fucked up. You done fucked up bad.

As Jiggs mentioned...

we saw Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo earlier.

It was Nine Dollars well spent.

In fact, I wish Rob Schneider was actually a man-whore, because I'd pay another nine dollars for him to give me a 'Portuguese Breakfast' right now.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Then you need to get off your damn ass and into the movie theatre right fucking now.

I don't want to give too much away, but I only had one concern going in, and that was the possible absence of Oded Fehr.

All I will say is that I wasn't disappointed in that respect.

I'm not one to make baseless generalizations, but anyone who sees this movie and doesn't like it is a miserable piece of shit. (Fuck you, 89% of all movie critics)

Mangina or Prostidude?

Tasty is going to write more about this later but I wanted to be the first to say that everyone should go see Deuce Bigelow European Gigolo. One word: it is awesome.

Consider this quote from Roger Ebert:

"Deuce Bigalow" is aggressively bad, as if it wants to cause suffering to the audience.

I agree with this quote entirely. Where else can you see a woman plunging her face cock into another woman's throat hole?

The movie is amazing. I give it 5 hammer and sickles.

Apparently, you can't say "gloryhole" on tv

Conan got bleeped last night when he tried to describe the minor league baseball mascot "Chewbacca trapped in a gloryhole".

I've never actually been inside a Macy's....

but I don't think it would make me want to rub shit all over myself.

But then again, I guess there's a time and a place for everything.

Take that, High Society!

The magic of airbrushing

This is amazing. It shows what one guy and photoshop can do. You can also look at this frightening example or see the whole archive.

Technology corner

On CNN.com there's a headline for a new gadget: the Jerk-o-Meter. Don't panic, it isn't a device to detect chronic masturbators. It measures speech patterns and rates the speaker's interest in the conversation on a level from 0 to 100. The designers claim it could be very useful to monitor cell phone conversations and warn the speaker that he/she is acting like a jerk, or tell them to hang up on the other person. Thank god, I was wondering when some brave scientist would finally smother the last vestiges of human interaction.

Baseball

Ah, I love my plucky Oakland Athletics. They beat the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (don't ask - drinking the water down there makes you insane) 5-4. The winning run in the bottom of the ninth was scored when the pitcher dropped the throw from his catcher. You can see a clip here.

Wow. I have finally found the more embarrassing way to lose a game than balking in the winning run. I'm just glad when I screw up at work it isn't broadcast nationwide on Sportscenter.

Coca-Cola

I'd like to teach the world to sing, but I'd rather teach the world to bum rush those bastards singing "I'd like to teach the world to chill" and toss them off the damned rooftop. Corporate whores!

Finally someone has given us the ad that makes Old Navy spots look like they have soul and are superbad.

I'm only drinking RC Cola from here on out.

Talk about cheap furniture

This article is about a guy who built enough furniture out of FedEx boxes to fill his entire apartment, such as this lovely bed:

Sucks to be you...

One in 25 'fathers' raises another man's child.

Can you imagine raising some bratty ungrateful child for 16 years, only to find out your wife is a slut and the bastard isn't even yours? I mean, think of all the cash you had to throw away on some other guy's kid. And even worse, that guy is probably still out there getting laid all the time, and you're stuck at home with your wife who doesn't want ot have sex with you because your penis is too small and she's "tired" from dealing with "your" kid all day.

Koreans hate the Japanese...

...and I have no idea why. This site has a bunch of pictures made by little kids that were posted in a subway station in Korea. After looking at it, I still don't know why they hate the Japanese. Perhaps it is similar to our targeted predjudice.

CNET hates google now too

It looks like we're not the only ones that don't like Google's policies. CNET UK has post an "apology" for the actions of their sister company in the US.

For those not up on the news, CNET recently posted an article about personal privacy, and in it used Google itself to find out some personal information on Google's CEO, like his address and salary. Google did not like the fact that their search engine was used to find public information on the internet, and in exchange has banned anyone at the company from talking to CNET for 1 year.

horse hating

For those of you that hate horses, this blog is for you:

http://horsehater.blogspot.com/

All this talk of Texas...

in my previous blog post's comments has got me all reminiscent about the days of yore.

Jiggs's comment earlier today reminded me of this joke we used to tell in grade school (and I'm sure everyone has heard), but I thought I'd share it with everyone:

There's this kid, whose name is Texas, who starts out at a new school. He's kind of scrawny and awkward, so he doesn't really have many friends and tends to get picked on a lot during the school day.

This other kid Ralph is kind of the school bully, so he's been punching Texas, calling him names, etc. For his birthday that year (which happened to be right after the start of school), Ralph got a brand new pocket knife, which he was very excited about.

So, anyway, one day soon after, Ralph takes his knife to school to show off to his friends and eventually decides to scare Texas with it. His friends are egging him on to 'cut the kid', etc, and so eventually Ralph decides he hates this little punk enough to stab him in the chest and kill him.

Then Ralph and his buddies run off, leaving the knife, to go back to recess or eat lunch or whatever.

Later that day, Ralph comes home and his mom notices that he's not whittling with his knife like he had been for the several days prior.

Mom: "Ralph, where's your new knife?"

Ralph: "Oh, I lost it mom."

Mom: "Aww.. really, do you have any idea where you might have left it?"

Ralph: "Yeah...(singing) Deep in the heart of Texas"


...and scene.

I really do want to make sweet man-love with Bob Saget

I'd be all like: Talk dirty to me Danny Tanner! Pretend that I'm Stephanie and that I need a spanking!

Your independence is hereby revoked

A letter supposedly written by John Cleese. Regardless, it is quite humourous. Here's how it begins:

"To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today."

I'm back, bitches

I just returned from a week long sojourn to Texas, where everything is bigger.

I took advantage of my time there, making sure to cover all the bases:

-I killed, BBQ'd and then ate an entire steer
-I watched an execution carried out by the state
-I saw some titties
-I drank Lone Star Beer 'til I puked.

I had dinner at my favorite Scottish Restaurant: McDonalds

I had a McHaggis with a side order of bannocks. To drink, I had scotch. And for dessert, a McFlurry.

In the land of E!

Paris Hilton is "concerned" about someone going around impersonating her.

Oh dear, that's terrible. Her double might ruin her good name by appearing drunk and half naked in public, doing horrible reality television shows, and releasing a sex tape.

More to the point, is there another person out there that looks like Paris Hilton? Could there be two gelfling children running around?

New York Times Science update

They ran a special on the lobster industry in New England. As usual, they had a series of links below the teaser for background information:

Lifecycle | Mating | Molting | Recipes

Now that's science!

This guy clearly has a blood fetish

A teacher in an Oregon highschool was reprimanded for licking the bleeding wounds of highschool athletes.

Complaints filed against Reed also cited other risky behavior, such as licking blood from wounds on a football player's arm and a high school student's hand.

No joke here. I'm just disgusted.

Miss Jailbait USA!

Miss Teen USA was watched in prisons all over the country tonight. Because it's the biggest night of television for perverts everywhere, I was on location covering it for "Modern Pervert" magazine.

Seeing the 51 teenage beauty queens made me appreciate the whole paradise of 70 virgins thing.

How to write well

I was reading a style guide for writing techincal specs, and the author pointed out something that I had never noticed before. He said that people are afraid of reading large blocks of text (that I knew). Then he said that people are so afraid of it that magazines will sometimes take a quote from the article you are reading, and put the quote in a huge box right in the middle of the page in a big colorful font, just so you don't think that you are reading a big block of text. After reading that, I thought, "Holy crap, he's right! I've been duped this whole time!".

"Holy crap, he's right! I've been duped this whole time!"

Two jiggs posts

The Jiggs Casey Dictionary (Abridged): Fascist

Our new Dictionary is well on its way to completion. This marks our second definition. We decided to go with fascist because what with a war going on, the word is being misused right and left by, well, the Right and the Left. Once again the JiggsCasey.com staff feels obligated to step in and set everybody straight. Enjoy it, douchebags.

Classic Jiggs: Personal Ads

We weren't able to write an article this week... let's just say that the federalis noticed that our blog mentions cocaine every other posting and they've been keeping us busy. So we've decided to honor the season of wearing minimal clothing by running our personal ads section again. You can submit your own ad or read the desperate pleadings of the "Inter-Net" community. Or both. Enjoy it, douchebags.

I just realized that Mexico is the land of diarrhea

At least for losers like me that can't deal with the water and spicy foods.

This is the 300th post to the blog!

Google = Douchebag Central

Don't write anything negative about Google. You'll get blackballed, just like we got blackballed for saying that Google sucks.

NCAA puts ban on Indian mascots

According to this article, the NCAA has banned Indian mascots. It makes me really sad, after all the bad things we have done to the Native American peoples, that we ban Indians from sporting events.

Bobby Knight is back!

Straight out of Lubbock-- Bobby Knight will be hosting a reality show for ESPN. 16 students vie for a spot on the Red Raider basketball team. I'll be sorely disappointed if there aren't multiple kids getting choked in each episode.

Roger Ebert hates "The Dukes of Hazzard"

Now, that in and of itself is not funny (or not even surprising). However, his writeup of the review is hilarious. Some choice quotes:

"The movie stars Johnny Knoxville, from "Jackass," Seann William Scott, from "American Wedding," and Jessica Simpson, from Mars."

"(Jessica) Simpson is so remarkably uninformed that she should sue the public schools of Abilene, Texas, or maybe they should sue her."

"Scott and Knoxville play Bo Duke and Luke Duke; the absence of a Puke Duke is a sadly missed opportunity"

Lazy Americans live up to their name.

It looks like right after the last election, people were so fed up with President Bush's re-election that they increased the hits on the main Canadian imigration site six-fold. But alas, that is as far as they got, because Canada actually noted a decrease in applications for permanent residency from Americans following the election.

If you search for "Colombian blue flake" on yahoo search

jiggscasey.com is the only thing that comes up!

BBC = awesomeness

Scientists in Italy measured the Po river for metabolic byproducts of cocaine, which is apparently equivalent to asking the five million residents of the entire river valley to piss in a cup. It turns out the total cocaine usage is about 40,000 doses per day.

Personally, I blame the worldwide popularity of the VH1 series I Love the 80s.

I've given up on only using my sense of taste

I've been slapped by three women, one man, and a lamppost.

Most of these closed-minded sods were incapable of distinguishing my greeting lick from my sweaty-palmed pervert lick.

An addictive game

Guess the google. Basically, it shows you a bunch of pictures, you guess what google search generated it.

Chappelle Show is no more

It looks like Dave Chappelle has called it quits for his TV show for now (and it looks like that snitch Charlie Murphy broke the news). A sad day indeed.

However, given that 87.73% of all JiggsCasey.com readers claim their only 2 sources of entertainment are our site and Cahppelle Show, looks like they only have us to turn to now!

I've decided to use only one of my 5 senses

All five of them work for me, but I've decided to only use taste.

After I finish typing this blog post, I will no longer be able to type because that requires touch. In fact I won't be able to type any more at all unless I develop a taste-based keyboard.

I made up a new song

It's sung to the tune of that song that is played on the organ at sporting events and ends with "CHARGE!" except with every note of the song, you also say "hate". It's goes something like this:

Hate
hate hate hate
hate
hate hate hate
hate
hate hate hate
hate
hate hate hate
hate hate hate hate, hate hate
HATE!

Etymology corner

Phishing, the attempt by Internet parasites to defraud people out of personal account information, is not actually derived from the term "fishing," rather from the devotees of the band Phish that used to follow the concerts across the country like so many hippie locusts.

I'm a huge douchebag.

Kim Jong Illin'

Dear Leader Kim Jong-il never forgets a phone number, a cadre's career or a line of computer code...Kim pilots jet fighters, pens operas, produces movies and accomplished a feat unmatched in the annals of professional golf by shooting 11 holes-in-one on the first round he ever played.

So it turns out that Kim Jong Il and I have a whole lot in common (besides our small dicks).

more NASA goodness

The New York Times reports that NASA is responding to the shuttle difficulties like good and proper engineers: by saying fuck it and returning to an old design.

Yup, it's the old Apollo program look. 30 years and a semi-infinite amount of money later, and we're going right back to the Apollo rockets.

My prediction is that in five years we'll be sending people into orbit via catapult.

I love lesbians so much...

I masturbate while watching Ellen Degeneres' talkshow.

In the news...

DNA Test Frees Man after 18 years:

What's remarkable is what this guy did while he was in prison:

Doswell spent his years in prison getting an associate's degree, learning to speak Spanish and mastering seven musical instruments, including the guitar, saxophone, flute, drums and trumpet.

Just think, had this guy Doswell been free, with his work ethic, we might now have a cure for cancer.

I'd like to learn how to play the flute, but I just don't have the time. Maybe I should get framed for a crime...

Gore Launches Cable Channel

"We want to be the television home page for the Internet generation," said Gore, chairman of the board of San Francisco-based Current.

Gore is still a douchebag after all these years.

Dentures Removed From Man's Bronchial Tube

TAIPEI, Taiwan - A Taiwanese man is breathing easier after a surgeon removed a missing set of dentures from one of his bronchial tubes — three years after he lost them in a fall.

When I look in the toilet after taking a crap, I see Taiwan.

...and for the 'Gourmet' Burger Joints...

I've just invented the best things ever.

I call them TastyMcJ's Wafruffalos (that's Wah-fruff-uh-lows).

Basically, you take some ground up Buffalo meat, fashion it into a small patty, then cut it with whatever they use to make waffle fries, beer batter it and deep fry the shit out of it.

Hell yeah. I just invented another food group, bitches.

AWESOMENESS!!!

Angelina Jolie is turning into Mia Farrow

According to this hollywood rumors site, Jolie is going to adopt another child, this time from Russia. It seems clear that she's turning into Mia Farrow. You know what this means? Somehow Brad Pitt is going to become Woody Allen?

With children from China, Africa and Russia, it's also possible that Jolie is just trying film her own Benetton ad.

Katie Holmes craziness not involving Tom Cruise

So Katie Holmes had to pose in a nude bodysuit for her Batman Begins action figure.

Something tells me that Miss Holmes got conned, or possibly Punk'd. I doubt they put Christian Bale in a nude bodysuit for his action figure. The fact that it all took place in a North Hollywood Motel 6 should have made her a little suspicious.