Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Raising the bar

Yesterday I had the single best crap of my life. I needed to go really badly and when I did I thought it was going to be an all-around messy affair. But it turned out to be the poo to end all poos: A single log of such size and girth that I nearly passed out when I looked in the toilet. "THAT CAME OUT OF ME!?!?" I said to myself. I didn't think my intestine could possibly hold anything of that size. But thanks to a bowl of shredded wheat and a whole of raw vegetables, I pooed a log that would make an elephant proud. Had I been in a public bathroom, I would have asked people to come and take a look at it, because it was just that impressive.

As you might be able to tell from my wonderment at the size and shape of my huge poo log, I don't usually have such great poos. It's not like I poo water or anything, but a log over 4 inches is a rarity for me. And this log that came out of me yesterday was at least 12 inches long. It was like I had pooed a ruler!

POO!

19 comments:

Zombie Lou said...

Lou Reed's poo is like currency in several third-world countries. If they had a poo lottery, the winners would want to roll around in Lou Reed's poo.

jamwall said...

jiggs, its because you were thinking about me, wasn't it?

merkley??? said...

how much did it weigh? that's what's really important you know -- density.






HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! word verifiction is eieio!

as in fuckin old macdonald had a crap eieio.

i will remember this for the rest of my life.

Nick said...

Another masterpiece from Jiggs.

Monkey said...

Dearest Jiggs... I offer this advice from a friend of ours. If you poop anything larger than your head (this achievment of yours certainly qualifies), you must use a plunger before flushing.

Just a friendly public service announcement.

Congratulations? It's a boy?

Tumbleweed said...

Well, somehow I knew your comment section would be polluted with mostly men after a poo post,so I thought I would up the female ratio without actually making a worthwhile comment.

Calzone said...

Man thats cool..you should take a picture and show it to some ladies

Fred said...

can you please post details of your diet? i've been trying to achieve a bog-blocker for ages, as a friend of mine deserves it.

jiggs said...

Lou reed: I actually have some of your poo. I traded my 1954 mickey mantle rookie card for a gallon of it 2 years ago.

jamwall: how did you guess?

merkley: i don't know how much it weighed, but I weighed myself after the poo and I was 16 pounds lighter.

eieiOH!

nick: you said it. both the poo and the post are of the highest calibre.

monkey: somehow, miraculously, the poo went down sans plunger. I was so happy that I felt like it my birthday and Christmas all rolled into one.

tumbleweed: sweet. thanks.

calzone: the last time I took a picture out of something that came out of my ass and showed it to a woman, they threw me in jail. Like no one have ever seen a barbie doll before!

freddy: so there were two parts. One was two bowls of shredded wheat cereal. I dunno if they call it the same thing across the pond. and secondly, I ate 2 kilograms of vegetables including broccoli, cauliflower and celery.

jiggs said...

Freddy: and by the way, I hope your friend enjoys your log!

Fred said...

oh they won't. i hope.

Brookelina said...

YaaaaaayyyyYY!!!!

Oh awesome! My verification is PORKO.

Ɯbermilf said...

I don't need to see poop.

The youngest is still in diapers.

jiggs said...

fred: you should never use poo for evil!

brooke: I'm pleased that my poo pleased you. I love bacon.

uber: You're trying to tell me that you;re not the slightest bit curious about my giant poo? I don't believe it.

Anonymous said...

I need to blog my famous pregnancy poo. I was only three months pregnant, but after 7 days of constipation I gave birth to my first child: an enormous poo that I didn't think was possible to poo.

I didn't name it. I looked at it with relief, and said "good bye". I had to lay down afterwards, I was so worn out. My sweet husband plunged the toilet for me.

I think I shall remain anonymous after this lovely confession.

Anonymous said...

I would like to ask Merkley??? something:

How do you weigh a poo? Just wondering.

jiggs said...

anon: That's awesome, yo. I don't see how women survive pregnancy.

and my guess is that the easiest way to weigh your poo is to weigh yourself on the scale right before you poo and to again weigh yourself right after the poo.

merkley??? said...

you poop in a ziploc bag and take it to the grocery store and weigh it on one of the vegetable scales DUH!! -- everybody knows THAT.

Spinning Girl said...

I am so proud of you.

And ... strangely aroused yet repulsed, simultaneously.