Sunday, December 18, 2005

Canker Watch: Day 5

My canker sore is still there, but it is slowly getting better.

I invested in this weird stuff called "Kanka". I know what you're thinking, but it isn't some sort of weird combination of Franz Kafka and Paul Anka. It's actually a canker sore analgesic (I said anal) plus weird coating solution that's supposed to make the sore heal faster.

Kanka comes in a little glass bottle with a little plastic stick that sticks out of the cap. You open the bottle, pull the little plastic stick out and then rub the end of the stick over the canker sore. Immediately after applying the Kanka, you feel a searing hot pain on your canker sore that makes you want to punch your cock. So I did.

But then the analgesic (anal!) kicks in and it starts to feel better. Unfortunately, I got some of the Kanka on my lips and I started talking like Marlon Brando. Sometimes you just can't help but talk like Marlon Brando.

8 comments:

miss more said...

How has no one mentioned that you've lost your livelihood?

"I have a tiny penis" and "my tongue is God's gift" are your mantras.

Let's pray for a miracle from Jesus, groupies.

jamwall said...

franz kanka was my favorite writer, he was a real sore spot for the mouthpiece of the media..

....i'll bet i made jiggs go poopy!

jiggs said...

ms more: Yes, without my tongue I am nothing more than a dope that can't please a woman. With my tongue, I'm the greatest lover since Abe Vigoda.

jamwall: I just pooped a little. Then I stopped. Then I pooped a whole lot. Then I pooped a little. Then I pooed.

Tumbleweed said...

I love your tongue already!

allison said...

i have a zit.

jiggs said...

tumbleweed: You're not going to trick me into flirting with you, no matter how flirtatious you are. I've sworn off blog flirting.

ap: well you and I can be slight blemish buddies.

Lee Ann said...

Jiggs ~ I am not going to comment on your tongue....;)
It has been said many times already.

dirty martini said...

I have the solution to all of your problems! (well your canker sore phoblems anyway...)

ALKALOL

Alkalol is a soothing topical mucous and solvent cleaner. Alkalol should be used from one-half to full strength, preferably warm. Nose: use in a douche cup or an atomizer. Throat: use as a gargle or a spray. Apply Alkalol freely on cotton or gauze for appropriate use in treating sunburn, and minor burns. Ingredients: Alcohol (1%), Cinnamon, Pine needle extract, Spearmint extract, Thymol, Eucalyptol, Menthol, Camphor, Benzoin, Potassium chlorate, Sodium bicarbonate (baking soda), Sodium chloride. Keep this and all medicines out of reach of children. Avoid swallowing. For more in-depth information regarding Alkalol and The Alkalol Company, simply go to the following website
http://www.alkalolcompany.com/

My mother-in-law has managed drug stores for 20 years and recommended this to me. It works great and is all natural! Your pharmacy may have to special order it for you or you can order it online.

**No comments about the nose douche.**