Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Fuck you Barbara Walters!

Who do I have to boink to get on her fascinating people list!

Lance Armstrong is on the list and he only has one nut!

27 comments:

slappy said...

Which makes you three times more fascinating than Lance Armstrong!


word ver: srjsdddq - Blogger has developed a stutter.

jiggs said...

3 and a half times more fascinating than Lance Armstrong.

TastyMcJ said...

you should send her a tape of your aristocrats telling....

just make sure to pantomime the 'hungry goat' portion.

allison said...

jiggsy- apparently you have to jump up and down on Oprah's sofa or rap a song about goldiggers.

jiggs said...

I retract my statement about Lance Armstrong not being fascinating. On second thought, having a single nard and doing it with Sheryl Crow is extremely fascinating. Dare I say, erotic?

jiggs said...

AP: We just had a cowboy themed party a couple weeks ago and I made a playlist of Cowboy/Western themed music. That golddigger song was on it because of Kanye's last name. Also golddigging is like prospecting.

jiggs said...

And Tom Cruise? Does being nuts automatically mean that you're fascinating?

Spinning Girl said...

Tom Cruise is fascinating. The way Hannibal Lecter is fascinating.

allison said...

Cruise is really getting on my nerves lately.

Lee Ann said...

What a list! hmmmm!

Calzone said...

She asked me to be on it. I said only if she would have sex with me. so i screwed her, pulled her wig off, stole her wallet and through her outside.

Monkey said...

The way Hannibal Lecter is fascinating.

My thoughts almost exactly. I read the article and screamed, "TOM CRUISE??? WHAT THE HELL IS FASCINATING ABOUT THE COUCH JUMPER?"

I guess being an oddity gets you on the list.

Date Katie Holmes.

jiggs said...

Calzone, you totally lived out my Barbara Walter's fantasy.

And I think AP, Spinning Girl, Monkey and I should write a song entitled:

Why Tom Cruise is a douche

Calzone said...

jiggs,

Monkey, my sister, (who is slappy the ventriliquist dummy and John Clog Hater) and I often ponder how a sociopathic, stuffed animal with a sex addiction is so popular.

Especially considering if I said the things i said as myself, I would be considered a psycho.

Monkey said...

Let's be clear here that I am NOT Calzone's sister. That would be... disturbing.

jiggs said...

Monkey, you're not even a girl! How could you be Calzone's sister?

And Calzone, I thought about it a little bit. Part of the answer is that you get away with what you do the normal rules of society don't apply of the "blogosphere".

For example, my little sexual pun-athon with Ms. Pants would have resulted in me losing my johnson in real life.

Your innate charm however carries you the rest of the way. That's what I'm missing: Innate charm.

jiggs said...

My last comment was missing a "because"

Booty J Patrol said...

You're missing inate charm and the fact that you aren't a fucking dragon. :)

Calzone said...

its true. It is safe to flirt with a stuffed dragon. It makes me bullet proof.

I meant my actual sister. She is way more fucked up than me. She does monacle of terror and john Clog Hater, linked on my blog.

jiggs said...

That's true as well. While I was taking a dump a moment ago I was pondering the notion that people want to buy into the fact that a stuffed dragon is a little perv and not think about the reality that there is some real person acting as the wizard of oz.

Booty J Patrol said...

My entire universe has just been turned upside down. You mean there is a person that controls the Dragon? Is Santa and the Easter Bunny fake? What about Chanukkah Harry. He's real, right?

Calzone said...

Exactly...and I'm even safer because I hang with Monkey.

I think I should start posting as myself and disown monkey. I bet within three weeks there will be numerous restraining orders out on me.

Calzone said...

Booty..you can still dream of me....hush..shh...its okay baby, go back to sleep.

Monkey said...

Chanukkah Harry is definitely real as is the Great Banana.

jiggs said...

Calzone, posting as yourself would be quite an amusing experiment. It's too bad that text can't really convey the heavy breathing that I imagine Calzone does when he talks about cumming into women's shoes.


And Booty, Channukah isn't even a real holiday. Why would Channukah Harry be real? Jews are funny because they think they're religion is real!

Melliferous Pants said...

Maybe you should get rid of one of your nuts, I bet you'd make her list.

What do you mean a person controls Calzone?! Next I bet you're gonna say Tom Cruise is gay and our president is a liar. Hmph!

jiggs said...

But if I got rid of one of my nuts, I'd only have 2 and a half nuts left!