Sunday, October 02, 2005

I have a crush on Ms. Pants

What's the best way for me to communicate this idea to her?

She already knows I love bacon.

23 comments:

Calzone said...

I knew you were tryin to work it..The band references, the desperate attempts to show that you weren't just "funny man"Jiggs.

I'd just find out where she lives and start following her around. leave her notes in her mailbox like..."Don't you think our names sing so beautifully together? I've spent entire nights writing them in the blackness with silver bolts of lighning. (John Hinckley. 1981)

Monkey said...

I've always found singing loudly beneath someone's window, or better yet, hanging from a tree outside the window and singing.

This song is best:
"Love... exciting and new... come aboard... we're expecting yoooooooooouuuu." Dress in a Seafaring Costume when you do this.

Or... you could just put a post up on your blog...

slappy said...

Hire a mariachi band.

Melliferous Pants said...

Drunk dial.

Melliferous Pants said...

Or, you could pay my rent.

slappy said...

What about writing you a sonnet? Interpretive dance? Sock-puppet theatre?

slappy said...

I find drunk dial is more effective for post-breakup than for courtship.

Friends of McDougal said...

Islamabad in the house.

Friends of McDougal said...

You can't go wrong with sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

Put on some Alice in Chains, break into her house, and hold an ether-soaked rag over her face until she falls in love with you.

Friends of McDougal said...

I don't even know what Alice and Chains sings.

I'm kind of "older".

Seriously, just work that ether thing.

In retrospect, the whole "rock and roll" part is played out.

There's no such thing anymore.

Calzone said...

whoa...McDougal thinks Alice in chains is for the kids. He is fucking old. But yeah dude ether works but quote her some Hinckley when she wakes up.

Monkey's Human said...

I find drunk dial is more effective for post-breakup than for courtship.

It depends. If the courtship is brand spanking new, shiny out of the box, drunk dial can be surprisingly charming. Of course, it is a method that should be used exclusively, or to excess. This has a different outcome altogether.

Monkey's Human said...

There should have been a negative modifier somewhere in my last comment.

Melliferous Pants said...

Ether?! I'm adding that to my red flag list.

Lee Ann said...

Singing telegram!

jiggs said...

Calzone can read me like a book. Unsurprising, I guess, since we were in the Korean War together.

And to everyone: Thanks for all the advice. Now I know what not to do. (With the exception of Lee Ann's idea of a singing telegram which sounds awesome)

Monkey's Human said...

Engineer, 37. Looking for woman. Pulse optional.

I found my ideal match on Jiggscasey.com. Who knew it would be this easy? Thanks Jiggs Casey!

Friends of McDougal said...

I tried that Jiggs Casey personal ad crap.

I did it eight times. Every time it either hooked me up with a stuffed animal, Jiggs, or myself.

No thanks, Jiggs Casey.

I'll stick to the Thai whores.

Fred said...

Thai whores? the uncertainty of gender was always an issue with me.

slappy said...

Uncertainty of gender is the spice of life. Just ask Monkey.

Monkey said...

Every time it either hooked me up with a stuffed animal, Jiggs, or myself.

And what the hell is wrong with a stuffed animal I ask? This is bigotry! Plain and simple.

Slappy ~ Oh you are so right. So very right. I embrace my transgender nature joyfully, reverently and soberly.

Friends of McDougal said...

How does she know about the bacon?

Did you say it with a shirt?

jiggs said...

I drunk dialed Ms. Pants and blurted out "I love bacon". Then I asked her if her refrigerator was running and quickly hung up the phone.